Painful memories, is there a middle age crisis?!?

Hi,

Im having a major crisis right now, which coincided with some chronic pain relapses.

As you might ready know, I live alone, and loneliness is finally wearing me down. I had a lot of hobbies in the past, sometimes I traveled alone, with my camera, and I manage to stay somehow happy. I dint close the door to other women, but I had several disappointing dates, and just gave up. It's almost impossible to meet new people "available", and dating apps are killing me slowly.

I guess I have to find a way of being at ease with living alone. The problem is that my inner child got bored of all the hobbies and of being alone. It is screaming for company, and it is making me very anxious. Sometimes I can't even breath. It started with a choking sensation, it is better, but I still feel this irritability. I cry all the time which eases the pain/discomfort of being alone.

Anyway, the problem now is that everywhere I go, I got this memories from the past. They make me feel a deep pain, memories such as when my son was little, going for walks with my mum/wife, etc. The place where I live, changed a lot, and when you go to the cafe you find strange people, most of them, digital nomads, that had their eyes on their laptops, and don't even care if you exist or not. Also much younger.

I had similar crisis in the past, like when I enter adolescence, or when I go and live with my wife, or when my son was born.

I wonder, should you avoid these good but painful memories? Are all people nostalgic? Sometimes nostalgia makes me feel good, but in this crisis, it makes drews all my energy.

I wonder are these cruises/phases only temporary adaptation periods? Is there specific moments in one's life, where this is normal? Is this middle life crisis a myth, or real? Does your brain changes, to enter these new phases in live, not only getting old. I mean, I feel like a completely different person, since it last year.

Last question, can one live alone? With no love? No hugs, or human affection?

Thanks

 

I read your post and it reminds me of a time when I felt like I was a victim of my own thoughts. But we can control what we think or at least control how we react to our thoughts. Your thoughts are just passing by like the clouds in the sky. They don't define who you are or dictate how you need to feel. I think you could benefit from some guided meditation that helps you with this. Practice just being and not becoming attached to your thoughts.

 

Thanks Ellen. I feel old, obsolete. I never felt old before. The problem with life is that I feel like someone is behind me pushing me forward, and we all know what lies ahead. You have to reinvent yourself. Suddenly the things that make you happy in the past aren't enough, you lose your sight, your teeth. I hate change. I hate being alone with my thoughts. Freddie Mercury had all the money in the world and success, but still he felt very lonely. As I said, the worst feeling I had, when I was a child was feeling sad, because I never understood death. Nobody wants to die, even the ones that killed themselves. We are following the teaching if Sarno, that it is no longer with us.

It's easy to control your thoughts when you are not alone

 

Be grateful for what you have.

 

What you are describing is not going to be fixed by external things. Not a partner, not friends, not experiences, a job, possessions, etc. there’s always going to be low moments where you are alone with yourself and these thoughts of despair come creeping in. Death can be a horror on the horizon or it can be a teacher that is telling you to find joy with what you do have. To savor even mundane experiences and live them fully. Filipe find some form of spirituality, Buddhists and Hindus and various others of various beliefs spent their lives meditating and connecting with the universe and/or god and they believe there is more to life than just this reality. Have some faith that things aren’t just going to be shit and doom forever. You got through massive health struggles yet you’re hitting this major low. What does that tell you? I think you need a bigger internal shift to navigate this situation.

 

I feel different, the world feels different. Suddenly, I had more doubts now about the world than ever before... I just wish this is just a phase, entering the second half of my life. I fear my inner thoughts.

I read a lot about how you create your life, that life is a mirror of yourself, of your own thoughts. It make sense. If you don't control them your life will be miserable. Anyway, It gave me a lot of stress, and fear. It made me doubt about God.

I just wish there wasn't this mystery. That we all knew what on earth we are doing here. Where is Sarno? Can anyone tell? I m in this existential crisis...

I feel this constant irritability/rage even with small things. Im not at ease. And there is really almost no stress in my live, other than my thoughts, the fact that I can't get any company/woman, the fact that I don't like getting old, because the clock is ticking, or that the external world is not what I dream for, and it is totally different, people are different, etc, is creating.

Sometimes I'm afraid I contracted this irritability virus. I mean the things that I use to love doing aren't enough anymore, to calm me down.

Its depressive to know that life's main goal, is that all if us have to fight their repetetive unwanted thoughts. It's a constant battle.

Social media is destroying relationships, but I have to accept it, otherwise I developed rage, that turns against me, which make me sick. I have to accept that foreigners are raising house costs to its limits, and that Lisbon is turning into one of the most expensive cities out there, despite that people here earn miserable salaries, of 1000€, me included. So tiered... Pain and frustration, I think it is a good description of what is the human condition.

 

Pain and suffering, the human condition, yes...That's why one turns to God when desperate.

You can move to a different city/town, go to a good church, find like minded people, grow a plant/garden, get a pet, volunteer, go out in nature and walk, exercise, eat a salad, find a hobby etc. Instead of spreading your misery around. I get it, you are sad. But writing online about it doesn't help. At all. Someone might come and read your comments and then project their own issues on you. It happens. They might even call you an a$$hole for being sincere here. You never know...

Better to get away from social media and in the real world.

I'm saying this for me too. Ciao!

Take care Filipe.

 

There's a Buddhist saying that thoughts are like trains arriving at a station. You can jump on and let them take you where they want. Or you can remain in the station and watch them pass.

You have jumped on the fear train. You can get off, but you have to act.

 

Strongly disagree. I'm engaged and I find it harder to control things because it adds more pressure to be "okay" for the person I'm with and not project my issues on to him, which I do regularly. Thankfully he hasn't run screaming yet.

 

Life is a constant fight. Even to get company. I'm alone, and nobody really cares about anyone. They are hypnotized by facebook, Instagram, YouTube, their careers, exploring someone else, etc. The women I met on dating apps, are looking for a guy that tick on all the boxes of their check list. And they think they have this knowledge just by watching your digital profile, photos, etc. There was a Portuguese girl that block me, just because she wanted to date only foreigners, and she thought I wasn't Portuguese.

I miss having a family. Never thought tens could be so powerful, it is not about the physical pain, anymore. It is more profound, and it is smothering me.

 

We often bond over shared interests - are there activities that you could engage in that could result in friendship/company outside of romantic relationships? There's less pressure that way and you can enjoy yourself regardless

 

Actually, I'm trying to do that for the first time. I always been very frustrated in the girl department. I remember going out, when I was a young adult and get very frustrated because I would come home, without meeting a new girl. I would be very happy if I met a girl, and had the probability of having a relationship with that girl. In fact I use to say that I was very happy until puberty. I had my toys, and didn't care about girls.

Girls have been always been a subject of both pleasure and frustration in my life. I'm a romantic, but being a romantic is outdated today. The think that most of the girls always said to me was that I don't give them a fight, in other words, I was always available, always sweet, so they would lose interest rapidly (I hope nobody label me a misogyn this time for relating my own experiences with girls). Don't get me wrong, girls do find me very attractive, and good looking. I'm fit, I do sport, and I don't look 50.

Today, I'm a sinple man, and I want to find a simple woman. I don't care if she cleans toilets, as long as she have a good heart. I'm tiered of acting, or pretending I'm someone I'm not. And that's a problem.

Anyway, as I was saying in the beggining, for the first time, I joined a group at my local church. I went there once and feel very good. The warmth of people took my frustration away.

Pain is rage. It's inner rage. Your inner child wants the life he always dreamed of.

The other time I had chronic pain, I felt rage because, in the begging nobody believed I had this neuropathic pain, because all the exams were fine.

TMS it's powerful. You have to listen to your heart.

 

Great! I think this shows that it's the feeling you're after, irrespective of the source

 

Yes, I guess you're right, but I could either do this or howl at the window. At least here, people understand me. Most of my friends drown themselves in pills. In fact, my friends say I'm like this, in this crisis because I refuse to take Zoloft. There is no single pill that can replace human connection. Besides, I already tried it a didnt feel a thung. We all now drugs are dangerous placebos.

By the way, what do you guys think about Joseph Murphy, and Goddard Neville? Could it be that our world is just a mirror of our thoughts? Can one manipulate reality this way, for the better or for the worst? Ive always been so afraid of being lonely, that I'm always alone. When I was a child I remember thinking that the world do the opposite of what I want. Still believe that in a way