Shutting down: Is this normal?

I am really enjoying this thread. Diana thank you so much! Your story is identical to mine except that I don't have the Peace of Mind that you are developing in any steady way. It feels so circular. One day I am convinced I am healing now, then pain worsens and I slide back amd become depressed, so many times after having a long run of feeing better and better.

 

What’s your story, @TrustIt ? I noticed you just joined the forum. It helped me beyond measure.

 

@TrustIt
@feduccini and @Diana-M posted this success story. I think it's one of the best and most clear explanations of how mindset really effects those ups and downs. Here's a thread with the video:
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/crowding-tms-out-of-your-life.29530/ (Crowding TMS out of your life)

 

Actually, I have been a member for a few years. I haven't checked in or posted anything for a while. I started dealing with health issues approx 10 years ago. I went down a rabbit hole trying to figure it all out. Began with a sinus issue that created post nasal drip that was CONSTANT and driving me crazy, still going on, after it created a cascade of other symptoms b/c of the stress I put on myself. Doesn't sound like a big deal compared to some others' situations, but mucus dripping down my throat 24/7, yes even in my sleep, took me into a spiral of this and that - digestive issues, orthorexia, muscle loss to the point of debilitation, practically bedridden. I was also dx'd with hashimoto's and couldn't find anyone to help me with that and all the information is fear based (the body is attacking itself). Don't really even believe that, but the information seems so damn solid! Since I don't know if this is TMS, I can't seem to let it go. My brain went into overdrive...constant confusion winding up in decision fatigue where I couldn't decide on what to eat, what to take, so many "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts", questioning everything I did and didn't do. I terrorized myself day after day...literally. Then all the emotional stuff like anger and depression started on top of the pain, etc. I will leave out all the things I tried in the way of supplements, practitioners, workshops....and on and on..b/c you know where all that leads. I have gotten better over time, and can now walk about a half mile and have stopped catastrophising around food and I now just eat anything. I have no idea if anything effects me or not as I can make no cause/effect connection with anything. I had made everything an enemy. I lost of ALL motivation to do ANYTHING! I mean ANYTHING! After a lifetime of being so responsible, and so in control of everything, I just succumbed to being "sick" and let my wonderful husband take care of me, which he still does. I know I have some guilt around that, total self-imposed. I also think some of my issues are around empathy for my husband b/c he has CFS and doesn't feel great either. In other words, I may be "taking on" his "stuff" from a sense of guilt. I could be perpetuating a lot of this so as not to appear lazy....I have an excuse? To nutshell, currently I experiencing loss of purpose and questioning what I am doing here if THIS is my experience. What am I contributing to anyone or anything? Angry b/c I lost my singing voice which was the very thing that brought me joy. So joy left me. I have since been diving back into this forum, and yes it is SO helpful, and rereading Steve's book, TGPD. So without going into more copious detail about my journey, I came back here for some encouragement by reading other peoples' success stories....Steve's Wall of Victory, and this forum. Right now, I feel like I have come through hell and on my way back to life. I am also very humbled b/c I arrogantly preached to people what they should do and what they should eat to stay healthy. The irony doesn't escape me. I'm now just trying to be patient and surrender to reality, whatever that is in the moment. I am absolutely convinced the majority of this is TMS. What I don't know is if the thyroid issue has actually caused, and is still causing, some of it b/c the symptoms for thyroid issues are so varied and I have experienced a number of them. I don't want to hurt myself by being in denial. I also don't want to hurt myself by obsessing over it.

 

I love this, Diana. So true.

 

Yes, thank you Cactusflower. Such a familiar story for so many of us. So many things that are identical.

 

I am going through the same problems right now. My T3 came back low and Doc wants to retest. I am falling apart at the seems.. I live under almost constant pressure with caregiving of my son who had a stroke. He has been with me for 5 yrs at home. It is just the two of us. I have two wks until the retest and trying to keep it all together before getting the report. I know how you feel as I am so scared. Watching what I eat every minute, etc. I feel that this could be tms also but if you have read my other posts it, just been a world wind of stress for the past 20 yrs. Can I ask you if you started meds for your thyoid? My Doc gave me a script that I filled but dcided to do the retesting first. Still working, reading ec on my discomfort in my back and legs too. I live in a new area so I have no support as yet. Thank You Trustit.

 

I did finally succumb to taking some medication. I rationalize it by thinking at least what I am taking is not synthetic. It's a natural dessicated thyroid called NP thyroid . It is naturally derived from porcine, but is still prescription. I am so adverse to taking ANY meds (I am 77 and have never taken any pharmaceuticals) and that in itself has been part of my stress...the resistance! I am very opposed to most conventional medicine (other than trauma situations). I know you must indeed be under a lot of stress over your son. I'm so sorry to hear that. I decided to see an herbalist for thyroid issue only. Will see how that turns out. The rest - the pain, the obsession about food, the depression and anxiety and confusion....I know are all mind and I am treating all these as TMS. What I DO KNOW at this point is that I absolutely have to force myself into some activity, no matter how much my mind tries to justify avoiding it. In addition, I find this forum, Sarno and Ozanich books, nature and CHANGING ROUTINE is key. We get entirely too "comfortable", even with pain and illness. So strange since it makes no sense that we would "ask for" pain but there are definitely payoffs. I'm sure you love your son and will do anything for him. That said, look deeply at this and acknowledge your innermost feelings about it that you don't want to see or admit b/c you are a good mother, a good person. But none of us are ALL GOOD. That's just not human. Accepting those parts of ourselves that aren't pretty is one of the hardest things to look at, but ultimately necessary to see and accept our whole selves. IOW, you must have some resentment that you are forced into care taking, on top of the worry about him? I hope you understand what I mean by this, just something to consider. When we are in these situations, whether it's taking care of ourselves or someone else, our lives feel so small and so alone. We tend to sink more and more into our "internal" world, when what we need to do is go more into the external world in order to replace those negative thoughts our heads, as this is where the trouble starts.

 

@TrustIt
Thank you for posting your story. Even though the symptoms are different, I can really relate to the journey down into hell. It’s interesting that you used to sing and that was your joy And then you got this drip down the back of your throat. I used to write; that was my joy and then my hands cramped up. (They’ve recently loosened quite a bit, but I still can’t type.)

I too have fear of medication— Although ironically, I’ve had to go on it quite a few times. I’ve been on thyroid medication for more than 30 years with no problem.

I think all of the TMS things wrong with us —every single one— Is like a big logjam of all our issues. Control issues; over work issues, Self-esteem issues. All you can do is keep hammering away on these background issues— And try to lift your life up. It sounds like you’re reading some really good books. One that has really helped me a lot lately is called, Feeling Good, by Dr. David Burns. It’s been a life changer.

Welcome back to the forum! It sounds like you have a lot of good advice and we could use your inspiration!

 

And thank you for responding so quickly and so thoughtfully. Conversations like this are what I need right now, along with forcing myself to some kind of activity outside my house. My plan is to go to our humane society and play with the cats. We can all use your advice and inspiration as well. It's better to have company who inspires us to heal rather than commiserates on all the negatives about not feeling well. Interesting that you have done well for so long on thyroid med. What do you take, just curious? I may just have to do this and I need to get over my resistance. It's my last "decision" that is NOT helping me let go. Would love to keep talking!

 

That’s a great idea to play with the cats! I, too, am aiming toward getting out of the house more. I hope we can both do it!

I’ve taken synthroid for 25 years. I’ve only had the dosage increased twice in all that time. And very slightly.

I’m very stressed out about medical decisions— and especially about taking medication. I didn’t even know it was a thing until I came on here. People are afraid of taking medication and of going off of it. I guess at its root, it’s a form of anxiety. I feel for you, because I’ve been consumed by this issue on and off over my lifetime.

 

I also take thyroid meds. And my initial discovery of thyroid diseases (I have two) was a long struggle because of improper medical care.
@nancy it sounds as if you have good care and your Dr. is on top of it.
Initially, medication can sometimes need a bit of a balance period, but most Doctors will under medicate you at first, and then level up as needed. When my correct balance was achieved, I felt a world of difference. Your Doctor seems to be offering you choices (to take meds now or later) and is giving you testing to re-check if you do need treatment. Sounds like someone who cares!

 

I tried synthroid but I almost jumped out of my skin when I tried it! Horrible experience. I'm one who needs the T4/T3 combo. I think people have really begun to wake up about the medical system, especially in the last 4 years with all the misleading information! It's so in bed with Big Pharma. I just think generally they make matters worse, then more meds on top of meds. But that's just me and we all make our choices about that. I do wonder if our bodies "know" medications are generally not good for us, but our minds have been so pumped full of fear with all the "what if" scenarios they lay out along with prognoses that might be somewhat common but not absolute and across the board. One size fits all simply doesn't work.
I live in a rural area with doctors who know very little about thyroid, or hormones in general. I have been on my own, experimenting. I do have an NP who will prescribe for me whatever I want but she has little knowledge about it so I'm left to trial and error on my own. It's such a complicated thing and figuring out what part is that and what part is TMS has been a nightmare. These days, we have been so manipulated, we don't know what is real anymore. Pain is that way, too.

Anyway, back to TMS, we can DEFINITELY increase our activity. Wish we lived closer, we could drag each other out. LOL We have seen too many now who have outsmarted their TMS and healed. We are no different. We just need to face every thought with the CERTAINTY, the trust, the faith, whatever your understanding is of the higher power to which we are all connected, that we are whole and meant to experience so much more pleasure than we tend to allow ourselves.

 

You are right. This is all so tough. Sarno believed that high blood pressure is TMS, and even high cholesterol. But I’m on high blood pressure medicine, and I wouldn’t want to risk not being on it. I am resisting taking a statin for cholesterol—even though I’ve had about 4 doctors tell me I should be on it. I was really obsessing about this a few years ago. And it caused a lot of anxiety for me. I still haven’t really resolved what to do about it all. I went on for a couple years, wondered if it had played a part in my current symptoms, so I took myself off it and stopped worrying about it. (It didn’t make my symptoms leave. But the real culprit was likely my FEAR of the statin, not the statin.) So, I cut back on red meat and eliminated cheese. I guess on my next doctor’s appointment, I’ll have to figure out what to do. I think sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and go on the meds. TMS may cause some things, but if we can’t get the symptoms to subside, what other choice do we have? The truth is—we don’t really have the control we think we do. Some of this is just a calculated risk. And someone who’s very healthy might have a piano fall on their head and die. My grandmother lived to 93 on thyroid medicine. But she probably wouldn’t have without it.

I really like this success story for health anxiety. This guy made me realize I have health anxiety. I didn’t even know there was such a thing!

 

Oh yes! Health anxiety is definitely a thing. I had it for years. Kept getting worse and worse. Made everything an enemy. I am much better now. I am very much against blood pressure meds and especially statins. I tried to talk my brother out of taking statins and he took them anyway. Soon he was having a lot of joint pain and could hardly move. He stopped them and that went away almost immediately. I do a LOT of research into health, about 45 years worth. Personally, I think statins are one of the worst drugs on the market. The numbers the doctors are getting for what everyone's BP and everyone's cholesterol should be are going down every year. That certainly sells the drugs when everyone's doctors are creating fear around it. These numbers go up and down daily as well as as we age. They are SUPPOSED to, so as to accommodate what our individual bodies needs at any given time. Anyway, many factors to consider. It's a rabbit hole and we all need to research these things for ourselves. There is so much information out there and I'm not here to tell you what you should do for you. Primarily, as long as we are anxious and fearful, our nervous systems stay in sympathetic mode (fight/flight) and can't heal because all of the energy is going towards handling the stress. The key is to remain in parasympathetic mode (peaceful, calm) as much as possible as we need to be in homeostasis to heal. That said, we have more control than we think we do...over our thoughts....our "fear of the thing" rather than the thing itself.

So I am here to explore other people's ways of dealing with health issues in natural ways, mostly by changes in thinking, doing. Along with supporting the body with good, clean food (nothing processed) and basic supplements. The rest is working on the mind. Getting out of our routines is key. When we stay in our old environments, the reminders are everywhere that we are in some way "broken". The Sarno method is about changing...doing new things, reminding the body that it is strong and resilient. I fully believe it can heal itself if we calm our minds and get out of its way. I use meditation as well as being vigilant about keeping my thoughts off of old problems that pop up automatically, and focus on changing the brain with new experiences and a certainty that we are whole and healing.

 

I sincerely Thank All for your concern, advice, and time to show me people really do care about others today. I didn't expect so many responses and now don't feel so alone. my life is very limited of course due to my caregiving and concerns for the future. always thinking if ONLY I didn't have this discomfort in my legs and back that I could deal much better with the emotional pain of my past. I am ffeling better after reading all your responses concerning my thyroid. I am watching everything I eat also, taking supplements, even eating better than I ever did which I was always very careful with my diet. I am eating Brazillian nuts, eggs, most of the foods I have read about to get my T3 elevated in the 6 wk time period. If not, I will accept and do what my Doc orders. I am also trying to make decisions on my sons future, as I am getting older and won't be able to keep this up forever. It emotionally is heart wrenching. I was thinking of trying a careging support group but many are people losing their spouses and that is not my situation at all. I feel as if everyday I am losing my life and yes I shamefully admit I do feel angry about my life situation. Haven't had a peaceful life since I was 55 and I am now 73. Feeling sorry for myself is not helpful I know, it's realy a mixture of emotions, guilt for my feelings, stress for being so afraid of meds as I only take an antidepressant and Zanex as needed. Thank You All for your kindness and much needed support. If anyone has time could you let me know what your symptoms were concerning your thyroid, see here I go with fear!

 

Thyroid symptoms differ with the type of diagnoses. I have Hashimotos and Grave's disease. Grave's causes weight loss, pressure behind the eyeballs and I almost went blind because of it, heart palpitations, skin changes, heat intolerance, agitated energy, and many other symptoms most of which are also symptoms of anxiety which is a common part of Grave's disease

Hashimotos symptoms I had were a goiter, cold intolerance, weight gain, dry and breaking hair, fatigue, puffy face, and a few other hormonal side effects.

Very occassionally do these symptoms still arise, probably because I don't have optimal t3 levels. Heat and cold intolerance and fatigue can be my main symptoms now but they can also be TMS disregulation symptoms so I don't pay much attention to them, the fatigue can easily be addressed with slight dosage changes. I have gained weight recently, after some random doctor changed my dosage level because he isn't familiar with treating someone who has two types of thyroid disease. Eventually I will find someone who understands again, so for now I'm 20lbs overweight and do get fatigue more easily. I try not to let the weight gain get to me, I eat healthy but don't deprive myself of snacks and things I enjoy eating. That just feeds into control mechanisms and perfectionism in the TMS world.

 

You don't have to feel shame and guilt for your feelings, even when negative and/or selfish/or whatever other label you put on it. We all torture ourselves over our thoughts when we simply cannot control what the subconscious is feeling, so what about just loving yourself anyway, knowing we all do this. You are not harming your son in any way with your thoughts. It's normal. Steve Ozanich writes about 3 consciousness levels each of us has inside us and they all have different agendas. It's a great book if you haven't read it. I, too, always think "if only I was not in such discomfort, I would blah blah blah" but we know it's just the opposite, we have to just do things anyway.

Just my opinion, of course, but I really don't think discussing symptoms is helpful b/c we are all different and we can be easily led astray and into researching and obsessing. I have been there too many times. You even said "...hear I go with fear". Recognize this voice and stop listening to it. It's just a very tenacious program that you can change. I also don't think support groups in general are helpful. Even this one, though very helpful, can become too much at a point. We do feel better when we hear other people describing a similar experience, but, again, at a point, it starts reinforcing and thus perpetuating the problem and making it even harder to let go.

Every word I write to you, I am also saying to myself. I hear you!