So Utterly Confused - The Start of my Story

Thanks @Mark1122 Yes, I have successfully created "positive feedback loops" before. It is naturally a little more tricky when self-sabotage is involved, as a part of me doesn't think it's OK or safe to be successful. But I will persist with noticing, behaving differently, and reassuring myself that it's OK to succeed now.

 

OK a little update, but also kinda huge. I want to always come back and add to this page to remind myself of how things have worked out and maybe help others too.

I have realised that I don't really feel my symptoms when I am in a state of "flow". I am not permanently better, but whenever I can live as much in "flow" as possible, I have my best times.

This is why I like Hatha Flow Yoga but not any yoga class where we keep stopping and starting; why I can bodypop around my bedroom for hours but turning my head to cross the street makes me dizzy; why I can read a great book in the garden, but not read an instruction manual; why I can write a whole book on the computer but struggle with using Facebook; why I can talk to someone in depth on the phone for hours, but struggle to do "small talk" about things that don't interest me; why I can do almost anything as long as I have music.

If anyone doesn't know what the Flow State is, it's the same as being "in the zone" as an athlete or performer. The state occurs when you have minimal distractions, are truly engaged with what you're doing, and it's neither too easy nor absolutely challenging, but feels effortless to perform to a high standard. (I still do very challenging things, but I use sunglasses and music to tune out other sensory distractions and make them easier.)

While this is not permanently making me better (yet), I think there are some huge things to learn from this, which I can link with other theses about what drives us from illness to wellness. When you're in flow, you're behaviourally and psychologically "authentic", engaged in Buddhist "one-mindfulness", Taoist "Wu Wei".

This issue of authenticity is referenced throughout TMS info. What is putting up a boundary, expressing how you really felt/feel, acknowledging the truth of yourself, if not being more authentic? And so is doing things that bring you autotelic joy - which is often what sparks off a Flow state.

I have really begun to see how this is a journey back to my authentic self in so many ways.

I don't know where this is will all end, or even what the next tuning points or milestones may be, if any. But I do know this is the lesson of a lifetime whatever happens.

 

Journal time. If you had a toxic parent or "hidden abuser" and have the TMS personality traits, this may be helpful. I had a lightbulb moment when doing Schema Therapy on myself. I have been stuck in Detached Protector mode with some Demanding Parent thrown in. (yes, these are TMS traits):

We don't realise how bad these traits are. What's wrong with being nice, considerate, hardworking, and good? Nothing, if you're not doing it at your own expense. If you have TMS, it's because you are doing it at your own expense and that is creating tension and conflict within.

Although I'm a fan of Freud and Jung, I don't think you need to psychoanalyse this and think of the ID as a demanding baby that gets pissed off if it's not allowed a cookie or if you have to go to a boring meeting. I think the conflict is between what you authentically need as a person and the life you lead because of the programming your toxic parent gave you.

The thing is, if you've been as thoroughly trained as I was, you not only fall into self-damaging patterns, but you believe that is who you are, what you must do, and the way that life simply is. You can not see beyond it, cannot conceive of breaking the rules. The rules are part of you.

I was trained by a Covert Narcissist mother. She trained me to:
a) Put my needs last
b) Take on excessive responsibilities
c) Constantly pressurise myself
PLUS
d) Not see/feel my own needs
e) Not see my responsibilities as excessive
f) Not see that I'm pressuring myself

As a result, you live the sort of perfectionistic life where you sacrifice your needs and truly can't see you're doing it. I, for one, have made up many reasons I thought of as valid as to why *I* had to take on a responsibility. I genuinely couldn't see that these were not valid at all, but just me continuing the programming my mother gave me. Just as I defended her as a mother and was blind to her toxicity way back when, I also defended the programming she'd put in place. Literally to the point of illness.

When my neurologist finally realised my illness was "medically unexplained", and asked if I was stressed, I was genuinely bewildered. No, I was very happy and had a good life, thanks. I didn't SEE or FEEL my life as stressful because I've been living like this since I was born. I was bred into it. But it must be stressful. It must be too much for me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have TMS.

This is the training required to become a Good Daughter/Victim. This training has taught me: I MUST surrender myself.
Because my mother taught with terror, confusion, and double-binds, I have also learned to:
a) Not trust people
b) Not trust life
c) Never feel safe
d) Feel helpless
e) Feel I don't have a choice

This all feeds into why I take on more than I should, try to control things by being responsible for them, and have been in a hopeless cycle of surrendering my needs, avoiding expressing my feelings, and feeling powerless to break the programming.

It is very hard for people dealing with toxic parenting to SEE how engrained and pervasive these lessons are and how these beliefs invade every part of your psyche. It is even harder to understand or believe they are NOT true! Plus, when you have a covert narcissist or other "hidden" abuser, everyone around you reinforces it. They blame you. They call you a trouble-maker for going against your parent or acting out your pain. They call you oversensitive or dramatic if you get upset. No wonder we are so brainwashed into thinking this is how we MUST be and live.

I know I have still been living by rules my mother designed to protect and feed HER identity, with me as the "Good daughter"/Victim. Fuck that. I owe her nothing. I am not helpless. I don't have to live by her rules. I am going to live MY life. Anything else is going to keep me conflicted (and ill).

I have unwittingly told myself so many lies to stay as the Good Daughter, not just with my mother but in wider life. Although I've made progress, I have never healed my TMS because I have continued to pressurise myself endlessly, to put up with things I don't need to and pretend I am OK, to take on responsibilities that aren't mine, to believe this was how it HAD to be. This is THE tension, the conflict between what is my mother's programming vs what is authentic.

I have come to see TMS as a Life or Death thing. I either die by keeping up these patterns or live by breaking them. I choose to live. And my life will look very different from now on. It has to, or I will never be free.

 

I started ISTDP therapy and found out why I am hypervigilant. I feel unsafe because of my own projections. In interactions with other people I don't know well, I immediately think I'm guilty of something. Makes sense if you've grown up as a Scapegoated / Identified Patient type child. I had never realised how upset I was about having been pathologised with BPD when I never had it. I had a huge cry about it and that released some of my anxiety about talking to my therapist and unconsciously fearing that he will pathologise me and blame me as well.

I started to get obsessed about what "techniques" I should do to heal and trying to force myself to feel (oh so perfectionistic and pressrey), then realised the main thing is to find what helps you. I like Thich Nhat Hanh's technique of inviting your feelings to come and have a cup of tea with you. It resonates with me. Last night, I started to feel sad and instead of pushing it down, I just invited the feeling to sit with me. I am extremely sad that I've had a shitty life because no-one ever noticed my trauma. I dealt with it all on my own, got better on my own. And now there will never be any closure with my mother. I just have to deal with not having a proper mother.

I let myself cry last night and felt relief. I woke up with pain in my ankle and less anxiety. This is good. It means I'm not at the height of repression. If I'm repressing a lot and not being compassionate with myself (ie. sitting with feelings), I'm so anxious that I'm dizzy. When I stop repressing as much and let myself kindly sit with the feelings, it dials that down. A layer has been lifted.

I also realised that the time when I am most anxious is when I'm on my own! This is why I have 24/7 symptoms. I carry an inner judge around with me. It's not a voice like many people have, but a pair of eyes that watch everything I do, say, and feel. Thus I dismiss and invalidate myself and my feelings. When I'm with someone I already know doesn't judge and doesn't think I'm a terrible human, I pretty much calm down and can have my normal feelings. I went on holiday for 2 weeks with a close friend and was almost "normal" again. It also helped that I was halfway around the world from my abuser, I'm sure.

I watched Deb Dana's video about polyvagal theory and realised that I have been hovering somewhere between freeze and fight/flight. If my anxiety is too high, it makes me mildly dissociate - which is why I'm dizzy and also why I can't connect with my feelings. If I'm dissociative, focusing on my breath doesn't work. I have to physically move my body or think of a safe situation (I have one, so far!) or be with safe people.

Taking Lecithin or L-theanine also takes the edge off the anxiety. The downside is, that then I have pain. But I actually feel much more embodied and closer to my emotions, so that's good.

I think I have a huge amount of sadness that I've never felt. I recognise times in the past where I felt "lost". I think these are gaps of feeling. There is likely anger there too, but I'm going to stop "shoulding" myself about it and be curious. We will see.

 

I believe that one of the reasons my feelings don't naturally "come" to me is that I have invalidated them, pushed them away, or dismissed them. Why would they want to come to me when that is what I've done? I was trained to do that by gaslighting. In fact, the incident that started my TMS was a direct example of me having to swallow my gut instinct and believe that nothing I felt was valid.

Yet, when I can be witnessed and validated, I can cry pretty easily. It's just that I don't witness and validate myself. I make other things or people more important. And I don't turn to others when I have problems. So there is really no-one to witness and validate.

Since starting therapy, I realise that my life has been horribly sad. I can now cry more easily. I sat with Thich Nhat Hahn and myself last night using this video and that released many tears

I was interested in what TNH had to say about anger. My TMS seems to be anger turned on myself because it had no-where to "go" when I was a child. I found this really helpful:

Again, the answer is compassion. Sometimes for others, but often for self.

Pretty much what all TMS programs are teaching us is to feel our feelings, understand them, and be self-compassionate in whatever way works for you that feels REAL. Self-compassion can also help you to let up on some of your unhelpful personality traits if that's what you want, or mitigate their effects.

Funnily enough, when I got Vestibular Disorder, I said to a friend, jokingly, perhaps I need more balance in my life. I clearly wasn't joking. The incident that kicked all this off also occurred at a time when I was not too bothered about giving time and space to my own feelings. I was rushing around helping everyone else.

 

There is a deep inner loneliness that I have reawakened that I had since a child when no-one validated my pain and it was ignored or countered (I was called "awkward" or "stubborn" for expressing that I didn't want to do things). Often, I was simply too scared of my caregivers to say how I felt. Either I was scared of wounding them, getting in trouble for speaking out, or having them tell me I wasn't justified in my feelings.

Funnily enough, my symptoms have now moved increasingly to TMJ, "tongue-biting", and forehead tension - the anger is there but trapped by non-expression. And also, I notice, when I'm speaking out loud (about anything, actually) my symptoms are less noticeable.

I am really feeling the need at the moment to express myself more and be heard. But I feel I have no-one to really hear me, even now.

 

Hello zclesa,
I was just spiraling about my symptoms and found this thread of yours. I saw myself in nearly every passage you've written, even your most recent one with the not being heard is something that i just experienced today.
I just wanted to let you know that what you've written really resonated with me and that you are not alone in feeling this way

 

Thanks @sleepyjay. I sometimes find it helpful to read other people's stories to get hope, identification, and sometimes a helping hand on my journey. It's nice to know we're not alone, isn't it? I hope you can see a path forward.

I've just read Steve Ozanich's book "The Great Pain Deception" for the second time. It was helpful the first time and a lot of the deeper stuff makes more sense this time around as well.

My approach, which you may find helpful too, is reading TMS stuff and visiting the forums - with long breaks so you're not obsessing over TMS! Put the stuff down and embrace your life, and come back to the "TMS stuff" again when you need more help and pointers or need to go deeper.

As you can see, I've also made a sporadic journal on here, which helps me see where I've come from and reminds me of what is helpful, and what doesn't help me. And I will be leaving it here to hopefully help others too. One day, I will write my "recovered" post. I'm not there yet, but I will be.

 

One of my symptomatic behaviors is cheek-biting. I catch myself doing it often, usually when I am driving and mindlessly ruminating (there's an oxymoron for you).

 

Thanks for sharing, @MrHipGuy. I wake up with forehead tension and a tight jaw. While awake, I push my tongue against my teeth unconsciously.

I struggle with knowing how much to think about things or not think about them! Like, I got into this mess by being unaware of TMS, unaware of my emotions, unaware of how my life had led to me being a repressor, unaware that I was not "over" the past, unaware of how I might change things, which techniques and tools to use etc. So, I did/do have to learn about all of this. And I did/do have to think about it.

But, also I have had insights when my brain isn't doing too much thinking.

The way the unconscious mind works best is that you consciously set an intention, then stop thinking about it to get an answer. This was my experience today.

Yesterday, I'd been reading Steve O's book again trying to understand more. Today, I was just cutting salad and not thinking about anything. Suddenly the song "I'll Stand by You" by The Pretenders came into my head.

"Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
I'll stand by you."

Commence sobbing. This is the unconditional, non-judgemental love I never experienced. And I need to give to myself now.

 

I do NOT think my psychosomatising is a way of distracting me from rage because I'm afraid of it or don't want to admit it. I would like nothing more than to be able to feel my rage to heal it. When I used to be angry, I had pretty good coping strategies and therapeutic methods for when it was triggered. I have no illusions that I'm a perfect person who doesn't have anger. But I did know how to behave as a decent human being. This is why TMS was puzzling for me.

I did some "parts work" and realised I have pscyhosomatised not just now, but in the past, for 2 reasons.

1. "Not making things worse". I developed post-concussive syndrome in the past when I was with an abusive partner. It would have been worse to get angry at him. I developed stomach aches and headaches as a child when my mum was slagging my dad off because I was trapped in a situation where I couldn't express how I felt either, because it would have made everything worse. The thing I have now is partly due to a traumatic experience with my mother where my mother punished me and my whole family. Reacting to her would have made everything worse. Psychosomatising is a way of protecting me and others.

What I was actually looking for through this behaviour was PEACE.

2. Self-sabotaging illnesses have also shown up at times of great success; times when I was about to achieve something or have something good happen to me. Just before I was supposed to go to university. When I was about to publish my first book. Actually, I was also doing pretty well in my career and was about to publish another book when this last illness showed up as well. I asked the part of me why it sabotaged success. The answer: "No-one will like me."

I do remember as a kid, I stopped putting my hand up in class even though I knew the answer, because I felt other kids would think I was a know-it-all. I even got talked to by a teacher because he was concerned about it. I was an intelligent child, so much so I got raised a level to the same class as my older sister. She really resented me, actually. She blamed me for her failures at times.

Anyway, what that part was looking for was BELONGING, and at core, LOVE.

This is very interesting. I have told my inner child, she will always belong with me whether she succeeds or fails. I will love her no matter what. And if other people envy her success, they are not her friends. She can be friends with people who appreciate her.

- I am also going to stop telling myself I'm doing things wrong by not journalling, or not doing XYZ. I am doing my own thing, and that's fine. Doing anything else is just too overwhelming at this point in time and is just leading me down MORE rabbit holes of frustration and self-judgement. I just need to focus on two things, really

1. Bring positivity into every single day, even if it's only telling myself "well done for getting through today."
2. Understanding & Healing the past, which is still intruding into the present.

 

Trying to be a decent human being (i.e. goodist, nice-guy, etc) is a cause of TMS. The inner child/beast hates that.

 

@Mr Hip Guy, No, I was't being a goodist. I mean sometimes I COULD feel an immense amount of disproportional anger IN MY BODY. I learnt how to deal with it by walking off when I was triggered and then returning once I was in a reasonable state of mind to say something that was actually proportional. I have since learned why I had that; unaddressed trauma.

The questions I asked myself above were not to my conscious mind, but my inner child. The answers were from inner children, not me. I was very surprised to hear the "no-one will like me" answer. I would have never guessed that!

I am going to address my trauma and that will heal a lot of my inner rage.