Structured Program

Bear is glad for the attention, though.

 

*Bear dancing happily*

 

Hi TMS friends,

Perhaps the Alan session last Wed put things into a different perspective (although he always hits home ) but I've been able to tap into what he's been saying regarding how CRUEL I am to myself with more emotional resonance. I know it's still a work in progress, but I'm coming to see how nasty and vicious I am to myself on the inside, and that's actually starting to REALLY UPSET me. I mean, sometimes my internal protestations (from the internal bully) seem pretty weak, but I think I'm starting to care about how tortured I am, anyways. This Vampyr may Shanshu.

 

What scares me is that according to Alan, I apparently have an "addiction" to the pain. What? Why?

 

I think he might, yeah.

 

Hi TMS friends,

Just something that popped into my head. Don't know if this operates for all TMSers or not, but the Psych wonk in me thrives on this stuff: Alan has really been getting on top of the issue of WTF I'm more FEARFUL and not UPSET at all the opportunities/sacrifices I've made, things I've lost because of this TMS asshole, eighteen months (more now!) of my life essentially down the drain because of this thing! Although I can intellectually appreciate that I should be more angry, mostly I'm just mildly irked/irritated/annoyed at TMS (that is, I'm not feeling all good and righteous) Which prompted the following e-mail:

"Hi Alan,

Just pensive. Something just "popped" into my head. Would it be fair to say that the inability to "access" my anger at this TMS asshole, which has taken SOOO much from me for SOOO long, is a function of the repression mechanism, and that the point of our therapy is to "tap into it" or "access" this righteous anger ("break through" the repression)? I seem to recall an almost offhand statement you made during the Drop In chat about this. "The inability to express anger at the inner bully--that's the repression, right there" is more or less the quote that I remember you giving.

If I'm right, that's a HUGE revelation to me. I was starting to get really down on myself/beat myself up/just wonder why on God's green earth I wouldn't be more upset (I'm talking Wolverine with his claws out, roaring, or Zorro with his swords whizzing through the air). I like superhero movies.

Phil"

I'm no TMS therapist, but I'm guessing that the "strategy" on the part of TMS is to function as the bully, whispering in our ear all the Negative Nelly things that our formative experiences have given us, repress anger, and perhaps transmogrify it into fear (because fear/intimidation is the one emotion I can think of that whips people into shape, makes them get into line or "buy in"; and because fear seems to be so universal among us TMS types).

Will be very interested to hear what Alan has to say, and will pass it along.

But I have a "hunch" this is true...thus: RRAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Great insights! I have a hard time accessing the anger too.

 

The "Jody's brain" picture suddenly resonates even more, too. Stand up for the little girl--err, I mean boy! inside me, or let the bully get a free pass.

 

Phil, I often picture my inner bully as a life sized version of the monster at the end of Joss Wheedon's shows (grr--arg!!)

 

Ah, the Mutant Enemy! Excellent! XD XD XD Remember when Tara had the finger puppet? "Grrrr. Aaaaarrrrrgggggh."

I had to "unlike" Veronica73's post just so I could "like" it a few more times.

 

"Hi Phil,

Tapping into your anger over this abuse is part of the process.

But I want to caution you about trying too hard to "feel" the right thing. Remember the goal for this week: to think about being nice to yourself. To question whether you're being nice to yourself in this moment, or whether you're abusing yourself with fears or pressure or judgment. To ask youself whether you think you deserve to be treated nicely.

You're very smart, and you're good and trying to "figure this out" in an intellectual way, but that has limited benefits with regard to treating yourself differently.

Alan"

 

Browncoats forever!

 

I'm having a good day. The pain is barely there and even more importantly, I haven't even been thinking about it the same way I usually obsess about it. More like, "Oh yeah, I have neck pain" and "Oh, yeah, still haven't licked this TMS thing yet." Total change from the Shanshu that eats, sleeps, and breathes TMS. And I don't know what the change is and I don't care.

*Bear dancing happily*

 

Great news!

 

I am so so happy for you. You're getting it. You are feeling comfortable in Phil's body. This makes my day. You have walked through the fire and are emerging from the ashes. WOW!

Personally, I screamed at the inner bully one day and tell it off every chance I get. It's working too. I no longer beat myself around the head and ears for something that wasn't done "up to my personal standards" because I realize that my personal standards are perfect - and nobody is.

Hmmm. Never realized that before.

Good on ya Dude.

BG