Structured Program

Shanshu:

Yes, I too am in a place where I needed "the next right thing" and Forest has been kind enough to loan me his book. (Wonder if he knows I eat ice cream when I read?) Anyway - I hope you'll check in with us in awhile to let us know how you're doing. I wish you all the best, and hope you find that "sweet spot" for your life. I know you have some great ideas going on here, just hope you can put them into action. Actually I have great confidence you'll put them into action.

Take care. And I'll try and catch Buffy sometime.

BG

 

Thanks for the kind thoughts everyone.

Forest, I like the idea of Beach-Girl and you and me working together towards a common goal. I will definitely pop in here and there on this thread with updates; and if I don't, it's not because I'm giving up, but because I have to give myself breaks once in a while. I'm getting a new symptom today--ugh. Trying not to let it freak me out too much.

I'm talking with TMS therapist Alan Gordon, who does Skype, to set up sessions. I also had a brief convo on the phone with Dr. Bob Evans when I was screening therapists and his words give me some hope, but he is too far away to help me right now. Rabid hope springs eternal that I will be able to recover the pain-free and angst-free life everyone of us all deserves. I don't want to be a statistic. :'(

I wish I could pop in on other people's threads (especially you Beach-Girl) and help sound the battle-cry, but I'm pretty exhausted mentally and I'm just trying to retain hope for myself. Trying NOT to be a people-pleaser for once.

 

Ditto that Red Rider!

As I write this my shoulder is still killing me. Had a falling out with a good friend because my emails were too short (huh?) I tried to explain it's my shoulder now, not my back. So we're on phone chats now. It's great to be in contact with my friend as he has beyond repair back pain and I worry for his health. We've known each other for many years and he lives on the other side of the country. This program is not for him, but he knows it well, even met Dr. Sarno a few years ago. I can only offer words of support to him, and he to me. And the same goes for you. If you need a break? Take it. I did. I got overwhelmed. But this morning I caught myself worrying before my first cup of coffee! The cool thing was: I caught it. And I changed it. So I am making progress and you will too!

This is really awesome! I live in the sticks and have a therapist who I recently dumped. I told her I was going to rid myself of anxiety and pain and she wasn't on board. I had to go back for a med check, and she had Dr. Schubiner's book sitting out on her desk! She has also explored the wiki. Probably followed me around here too, but I don't mind. I know she is on my team and we'll see if she can truly help me out of this last little piece I can't seem to grasp.

You WILL Shanshu! It's in you. You have to quiet yourself, live in the moment, and trust that you will get to the bottom of your anxiety and things will turn around for you. I know it's going to happen - you're doing better than you think.

You have a really busy life. I don't expect that you can just pop in and chat away. I think part of your "issue" is that you don't get enough rest. Down time is so important, and as Forest says - you need to "deactivate". Reading all this can get you activated again and bring on pain. So do things you want to do and I hope you'll pop in with good news soon.

BG

 

Hi guys,

I'm set up to have my first session with Alan Gordon this coming Wednesday evening. I'm really scared that I've hit the end of the line and that I may still "fail" and be doomed forever, but there's no choice anymore. I'm really not getting anywhere fast.

I'm also struggling with some work problems. Due to occasional lapses in focus and concentration, they've "yellow sheeted" me--written me up in my personnel file. While the yellow sheet can ultimately be ripped up and discarded if improvements are made, it does take me one step closer to being on probation--which has led me to spiral down emotionally.

Today's journal entry:

"So here's where the TMS work takes on a particularly poignant turn, with this whole being "yellow sheeted" thing. The idea is that life is hard, really fucking hard; residency is insane, and it's OK not to succeed at everything I do. That's supposed to be the take-home point. And yet this idea that being "yellow sheeted" means I'm GOING to be put on probation--although not on it yet--and that means I'm inevitable GOING the way of Anita and failures in MY past, and that means I'm GOING to develop worse TMS and I'm GOING to end up unhappy back at Little Neck, and these are all incredibly PAINFUL thoughts that I cannot ignore. Here's where the TMS lessons are supposed to kick in and I'm supposed to be buoyed by the fact that I've tried my hardest, over and over again; and yet there's this little voice in my head that says "You deserve it" with your eyerolling at attendings mentally and trying to enact an old pattern by sabotaging yourself. And yet it resonates with true; that I'm a failure and will always be one."

 

You can do this dude. Don't let this ruin your life and career. Read Forest's post again. I'm here for you but he said it all so eloquently.

BG

 

Hi friends,

Just checking in so that y'all know I'm alive! Still scheduled to Skype Alan Gordon for the first time on Wednesday afternoon. Since he uses some psychodynamic methods that my conventional therapist doesn't really use, I'm pretty hopeful. Yet fearful, and hoping that I haven't set myself up for failure. I've got my webcam and everything all set up and just need to iron out a problem with my sound card.

Will definitely pop in as time goes by! Thanks for this community.

Phil.

 

Hoping that part of the treatment will be to rid me of the obsessive, intrusive worry, that's a big part of all of this.

 

Yes. It. Is. I am going through some of the same things - please let me know how it goes. I'm curious as to how a TMS therapist works vs mine. She is trying to "catch up" with me, I think we might be able to work on this together. Still curious. Hang in there Phil. You're going to be a "survivor" as will I.

BG

 

Hi TMS friends,

So...after experiencing webcam setup difficulties, I wasn't able to have my first session Wednesday with Alan Gordon as hoped. I am rescheduled to tonight and I have a new RadioShack cam that I tested last night, so I'm looking forward to Skype'ing. Forest was gracious enough to help me with the tech aspects (and we also had a nice conversation about TMS over the phone too). Wish me luck. I am feeling realistic and somewhat hopeful. Despite the pain, and work issues, I feel encouraged. As I've said, hope springs eternal.

So BG, I will let you know how it goes, definitely.

PS Thinking that the recent "sinus infections" I've been suffering could be TMS-related, too. I saw an ENT yesterday (who I've rotated with) who did skull X-rays and demonstrated no sinus cavity disease (although I have a deviated septum)--which is radically different from what I've always been told by other ENTs in the past. Anyhoo...not a surgical disease.

Phil "Shanshu".

 

Glad you're ready to go now. Looking forward to hearing what Alan Gordon has to say!

BG

 

Hi TMS friends,

Just got off Skype for my first session with Gordon. I wasn't really sure what to expect, and think I was simultaneously skeptical of a psychotherapist I didn't know/alternating with rabid hope that he could help me. Yet it was surreal how accurate he was. We talked about really painful stuff involving my feelings towards my parents as a child, and I developed uncontrollable coughing fits! TMS in action--I was completely amazed.

I'm feeling really hopeful now. *hugs Bear*

 

He did sound confident that I would "make it."

 

And we're confident too. This is awesome Phil. Step one - to getting pain free.

BG

 

Hi TMS friends,

Just wanted to post an update. I'm experiencing a ramping up of work-related stress, mostly generated by old demons of the past. While the reality of my situation isn't as bleak as my subconscious would have me believe, I continue to have nightmares and I suppose I just wanted to vent. We've covered all of these topics before, really, and I just wanted to say thanks for allowing me to reach out in a way I can't reach out to others in my life right now. Alan and I are Skype'ing about once a week or so now and we've had two sessions, but I admit a week is an interminable amount of time sometimes with my mental state.

"I need to write while the emotions still roil and the pain is still fresh.

Things that seem small to an unconcerned other resonate as warning shots to my unsettled subconscious. Just awakened from a Night Float afternoon nap nightmare in which I nightmared that <Program Director> and <Advisor> are conspiring to have me ended. *cry* *hugs convenient Bear* I don't want to have this all taken away from me. So in Dream world, apparently I gave a lecture on a complicated topic that <PD> didn't like. Afterwards I asked the smiling, fake <PD> whether or not I'd be terminated. He basically said, "I don't know...decision in about a week and a half...but I don't think it looks good." Ran to advisor...interrupted a meeting...he also had bad news for me. *cries, hugs Bear*

So out of touch with my emotions. What would Alan Gordon say?"

Yesterday I saw a tentative block schedule for the next year that's very hush hush with me on it promoted to a second year. Feeling both really nervous about the yellow sheet on the one hand, and yet seeing myself in the program's plans next year (come July, that is) only ramped up my sense of obligation/responsibility and anxiety.

 

Could this dream have something to do with talking to Alan Gordon only once a week? The dream seems to correlate with your schedule with him. He can help you with suggestions and exercises, but ultimately it's up to you. Does that make sense?

I don't think you're out of touch with your emotions, I think you simply have a lot of stress. You are tired most of the time, and do you ever take time out to play? Very important to have down time - and be awake for it. Is there some place close by you could get out in nature? I find it very healing.

This is good - and bad. You are "in" yet you will worry. Take each day as it comes, try to "think clean" and you'll make it onto the list for next year. Like you already have. But if you focus on that yellow sheet, then you'll sabotage yourself.

Good thing you have that bear!

BG