Structured Program

I really enjoyed your quote above. Finding beautiful moments in life while experiencing uncomfortable symptoms can also be seen as an 'opportunity' yet it is disguised as a 'challenge', I think.

My husband and I went out to dinner last night. We went out to celebrate that his fourth book was accepted for publication. Like your time in the boat, this was too one of those beautiful experiences. We talked about many subjects, in addition to seeing the challenges that this latter publication could possibly bring. I did not need to think about it but my hubby did. He obviously was a tad anxious though elated about the prospect that he has his academic work cut out for his sabbatical which is coming at the end of June.We have different personalities, he has an analytical and rational mind, his tendency is to think what can go wrong and then what can go right. I in turn have an expressive personality, and think about the fanfare of life and how much fun one can have without thinking that something can go really wrong.

So I listened to my husband and replied accordingly. Though I would like to have said to him...'why don't we concentrate on the exciting side of this endeavor?' But I could not do so because he is entitled to think and say what he felt like. After all this was his achievement. We had a terrific time and then returned home happily.

In the middle of the night I woke up feeling sick I have been up ever since 02:30 am. Initially, I attributed my discomfort to the yummy lamb roast I eat. However, with the wisdom of retrospect, as I write here, I can see that in the most beautiful of moments during dinner, something in me was disturbed. There is a lot that can happen in the future that my husband reminded me that could be 'challenging' for him and for us. All of a sudden, a 'potential opportunity' was turned into a 'challenge' and translated into fear completely disguised. It hit me right in the stomach.

Thank you for allowing me to share my experience with you. It is about sitting in a restaurant and being challenged in a moment that was beautiful. And so, here I am journaling my predicament, turning this challenge into an opportunity to share my experience with anyone that reads, including you Shanshu. not matter the discomfort, we are aware of this psychological game and this is a huge achievement!

Enjoy your day!

 

I don't think it's so much of a "challenge" - but more of a new learned way of thinking. You'll get there. Just keep your boat memory. That is the best you've sounded yet!

I think I mentioned somewhere back there about how much you work. And your exhaustion level. I bet the vacation did you a world of good. Well I can read it did!!!

BG

 

Yeah, the boat experience was beautiful. Not only was I (yay!) learning a new, fun skill (that has nothing to do with patient interviews), I was fully "present", I was "in" the beauty of nature and shoreline and scenery, I was FREE of TMS obsessing/fear (without even trying to), AND: I was pain-free. I think I had forgotten that living life pain and SUFFERING free was possible. It's been a long 18 months. Don't know how you guys do it when the symptoms last for years.

If it's possible once, it's possible later. Now I just need to look sharp for those moments again. (Yet careful not to try SOOOO hard to "force" another beautiful moment to happen. Us perfectionists...)

 

Wow. This is so very cool. I'm really happy for you. Had a few of those moments myself, but not enough. Do you remember when you had the realization that you could be in pain as an actor or as a doctor? Well - you have your answer. You need to ride around in a boat constantly. Then you'll be fine. ( I am teasing you, I just love your new "tone" - you are excited!!)

As someone who has struggled with chronic pain for years, you do what you have to do to keep moving. Or maybe that's just me. I want out of pain, all day, everyday.

You have the right idea. Don't push it just yet. But soon, you'll have the key to taking yourself to that place, no matter what is going on.

I'm really really happy for you Shanshu.

BG

 

Thanks BG. *hug*

Maybe I should change my name to Boat Guy by way of analogy to your name.

 

I'm thinking cruise ship doctor might be in the cards for me. Sea air and the chance to travel to various different places.

 

Sounds awesome to me! Whatever makes you happy and healthy.

BG

 

Careful for what you wish for....I have "powers"........

BG

 

Hee hee.

 

I have just read through this thread and started listening to the Alan Gordon session. SV the work and life stress that you describe has got me thinking. At the start of the thread you speak of waking drenched in sweat, I used to experience this for months on end and I could never fully understand why it was happening. Eventually I recognised it for anxiety linked to my work and my life and I was able to overcome it, only to be replaced by a world of different pains.

I can now see that it was a symptom of my TMS personality resulting from years of stress and pushing myself to achieve, along with the full catastrophe of a screwed up childhood. I look back now in disbelief to years ago when I was very driven, combining study for a degree with a full time job and a part-time job as volunteer fireman (which took more time and involved more stress than my full time job). While I don't have regrets I'm left wondering what I was trying to achieve? I can still remember times when I thought I was going crazy and no wonder on reflection.

SV you sound quite driven, it might be worth asking yourself why? All the classic TMS traits cause a lot of us to expend tremendous effort to be good and perfect, and this often comes at a huge personal cost.

Something that struck me in the Alan Gordon session was Alan's comment that anxiety and pain are 2 sides of the same coin. I can now see a pattern in the things I have dealt with. A lot of what I have struggled with makes a lot more sense after spending time on this forum. Thank you for sharing.

 

Chumba:

Thank you. Working a couple of long ER shifts so I haven't had time to fully process your words.

Random thought: I wonder how many of the chronic pain patients I see in my Family Practice training actually have TMS.

 

Update: I had one day recently at work where I felt practically NO pain.

 

Shanshu, love the avatar! I take it this is Bear?

 

This is Bear. His full name is Paddington Bear, but he goes by Paddie or Bear.

*waving hi*

 

oh, I loved Paddington!

I still have Raggedy Ann

 

My big sister has a Raggedy Ann and Andy.

 

Interesting thoughts!

I remember reading about it from someone named Indy on the TMSHelp.com site, who said it worked. I must admit I tried it to tap into my inner child as a means to facilitate the inner child work that Alan and I are doing, and I really tapped into the sadness of my childhood. I also ask myself to tap into concepts like "Journal: Love" and a childlike scrawl of Bear in my heart came out. I'm fiercely protective of Bear. But I also wonder why I don't feel as fiercely protective of Phil-childe even though that would seem to be so important.

 

I know...I'm so good at being compassionate to others, but it's WAY harder to be compassionate to myself.

 

In my session this evening with Alan Gordon--I'm one of the lucky ones who CAN connect with a TMS therapist at all, even despite Skype technical difficulties sometimes--we talked about how cruel I am to myself re: TMS and he basically looked at me and said, not in so many words, "My God man, I'm dumbfounded at how cruel you are to yourself, how much you terrorize yourself, and how much you beat yourself up and only feel 'ANNOYED' or 'IRRITATED' at this dark side." Watered down emotions much?

He also said essentially, "You're one of those people that have the rare compassion and love for others that you could be like a Buddha, but there's a large part of you that delights in how CRUEL you can be to yourself."

Re: Bear, "re-parenting strategy" and that I show Bear all the love and compassion that I don't show to myself. :'(

*hugs Bear*