Struggling

Hello everyone,

I'm making a brief post about how I'm doing on the structured program.
I'm on day 10. I seem able to do one or two days a week of the program. It's proving. It's bringing up so much stuff for me. I end up feeling tired, hungover almost. I journal and ponder. Then I feel a little better and get back to it. I'm gardening and things like that in between to try to somatically recover.

I feel lost and lonely and cry a lot. My wife is very supportive but in the end it's down to me and I'm so frightened.
I've put some detail on me and my condition and some of my history in the My Story part of my profile. I have a lot more to write.

I've been suffering with my voice loss for over a year - it started about three years ago and has become very severe over the last 12 to 18 months.Its awful. So debilitating.

I'm reading Dr Sarno's book 'The Mindbody Prescription' and have started to read Peter Levine's 'Waking The Tiger'.
I think they are great and agree emphatically.
I am fairly typical example of a TMS person. A goodist, perfectionist and am, I think, in a narcissistic rage and have been for about forty years.
Prior to the throat constriction I have had a disc prolapse with additional complications which occurred after years of different parts of my back 'hurting'. Of course when I started to read Dr Sarno's work I saw me there. Me all the way through.

I'm scared that this is not going to get better. I think that's a fairly natural reaction. But it's also so difficult. How much of this intense introspection can I handle? I'm starting to see things in me I don't like and this latest revelation of the narcissistic rage is very upsetting. Intellectually I understand it but emotionally I don't quite know what to do with it.

I'm pleased you are all out there.
I have been referred to a Cognitive Behavioural unit by my doctor but being honest I don't feel hugely confident in their ability to help. I've only seen one practitioner there so far who struck me as not really fully applying herself - that sounds odd - I mean I wasn't clear about what she wanted and she admitted she wasn't being very clear and apologised. It's all a bit weird and not what I wanted when I'd only just started and this was my assessment.
Anyway I'm hoping to get on to one of their self help groups once they stop postponing the date for it.


I'm signing off for now. I look forward to any comment you have any of you when you have the time.

Thank you.

Jake

 

Hi Jake and welcome:

I think at first we're all scared it's not going to get better. I've been working with the team here, done several structured programs and still haven't reached a place where I'm confident. But I will push forward. It is scary to me too to think I could live the rest of my life in pain.

I agree with you here too. I have done two structured programs and I realized last night I left out a huge traumatic event that happened just 20 years ago. I need to keep writing "until". And I'd say the same to you: keep looking inside "until" the "aha" moment comes. Seems this is the answer for us all

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say: where there is rage- there is fear. And if you work through the rage, you'll find the fear and also...peace. Trust me on this one.

And there are many here from different backgrounds that will help you in your quest. Hang in there Jake. It takes guts to post the things you have. Seems to me anyway, you're on the right road to healing.

BG

 

Thanks, Beach-Girl.
I very much appreciate your reply and agree with everything you've written.
I'll keep looking as you suggest. I have to.

It's odd being human. And it seems to get more odd as I get older.

I wish you well on your journey.
One thing I am learning is to do with finding where the patience in me is. Not something I'm known for.


J

 

Hi Jake,

It sounds like you are taking steps to heal, and that's great!

Do you think maybe you are afraid of your feelings? I am like this...pain gave way to anxiety and now anxiety sometimes is replaced by this sense of dread--like oh no do I really have to relive all of that old stuff?

One thing that I have tried to keep in mind when I feel that way is that I've already lived through those difficult experiences. Writing about them might be sad or scary but it is not going to be any worse than when I actually lived through them. Nothing worse is going to happen. Plus you are working with a therapist so you can check in with her if you feel like things are getting too intense and you need a break.

As far as therapy goes--can you give it a few sessions with this person and then if it's not working out, switch to someone else?

Take care,
Veronica

 

This is really insightful. You are on the right road Jake.

BG

 

Thank you Veronica,

You may well have a point there.
Thing is I thought I was very good at feeling emotion and at expressing myself. Maybe I was under a delusion. I can express myself but not my unconscious self? Not sure about that. I will think on. Thank you so much for taking the time to post a reply to me. It means a lot to have support.And to know this community is there for us.
I will give the therapy a go. I must and I will.

Cheers,

Jake

 

Thanks Beach-Girl.
I get very impatient, not least with myself. I need to take a step back from that perspective and be less hurried in everything, I think. Sounds not at all easy after being the way I am for so many years.

J

 

Thank you so very much, Forest.