'Tis the Season for Pain? repost article

Andy, thank you for reposting this. I’ve reread it and it is very meaningful to me.

 

Andy
Always good to read/reread your posts. May the holidays give you the peace and joy that is so often sung.
Kindly
Lainey

 

Hi All,
It is again the Holiday season, and I am here on a small property with my mother, hunkered down these last 10 months with the Covid. I am bumping this thread to see if others might get something from it. I send everyone my heartfelt good tidings.
Andy

 

You wrote eloquently about your struggles around the Christmas holiday. Your words still resonate. . .I hope that you have, somehow, this year, been able to approach the Christmas holiday with new eyes, better outlook, both physical and emotional. Holidays are tough.

I too, dread the fall/winter holiday season. Thanksgiving being the worst for me. Christmas a very close second. This year allowed for options, less holiday stress and hullabaloo. No extended family visiting, no festivities with neighbors and friends, just me and my husband. We are also hunkered down, for over 9 months, in a remote property, about 150 miles from my usual abode. Our house, backs up to a National Forest with thousands of acres, no neighbors in sight. Christmas has been almost, a non event. Gave a few presents via our current 'online service' availability, sent checks to the grandkids. . .that was it. I loved this.

The pandemic has allowed me to 'decompress', be less in the world. For some this is devastating, for me, not so much. I am fortunate in that I am retired, have no young children, no significant financial worries, no parents to worry about. . . For those of us who need to be more in the world at large, there is little solace found in this pandemic. I do what I can for my younger family members. Mostly in the form of financial support. Life will eventually return us to a place where we all can be more out in the world. . .safely.

Kindly
Lainey

 

I wish everybody a very peaceful and pain-free holiday season! Merry Christmas! May you all find health, luck and happiness in the New Year!

 

Andy, I can relate to what you say about your relationship with your mother and I feele very sorry for the loss of you family members!!
My father died 20 years ago and since then, my sister and I are the "parents" of my mother. I must say that she is 90 years old now, but mentally she is in a good health. So I always feel responsable for her, especially for her feelings. That puts very much pressure on me and most of all it makes me very angry against her. This results in outbursts of rage against her and afterwards makes me feel very guilty. So it is a vicious circle: feeling responsable - rage -outburst - guilt. Yet I did not find a way out of this repetitions.

 

Hi Lainey and TG957,
Thanks for the hellos! I am glad Lainey that you're finding this a good time.
Renate,
I appreciate your words very much. I love your frank description.

I understand this dynamic with me and my mom. I appreciate you adding the responsible part in the cycle. That starts it for me. I tend to be overly conscious, helping, trying to make many small things be good for Mom. Then I am surprised by my anger. In a way it is the perfect "laboratory" for me because it exposes my personality, my people-pleasing tendencies ---or I could say obsessions. Then underneath the people-pleasing is the boiling resentment that I "have to take care of Mom." Both of these are old, core, child parts of me: pleasing mommy, and "wanting things my way." Luckily we can joke about this and discuss it often, and it brings up the chance to assert my needs. My needs!

I am beginning to see more and more that my personality does not meet my "superego ideal" of what I should be. And beautifully, I am realizing that there is no way to avoid that outburst of anger if I am not very conscious of meeting my own needs. I push myself that this shouldn't happen, this rage, but what I am realizing is that I can't wish it away. "It will out" if I am unconsciously acting out my "good boy." Then the anger and guilt and acting out "ruin" the genuinely good, loving times I am having ---these are very precious times, with my mom. I see time and time again how I create the conflict, anger that I project on my mom. I am getting the chance to really examine how I create this difficulty for myself. Maybe Renate these words will help guide you toward more peace.

I also will make a suggestion Renate that you look for the small moments when you're at ease with your mother, little moments when you're a little surprised at the goodness happening, maybe for no real reason. Feel this, enjoy this. I want to know these moments more and more so that they will grow in me.

Andy

 

I'm an only child and have been 'parenting' my 93 year old father for the last couple of years, so I can relate to all of this. My father's quite a handful and is always getting himself into some right old pickles, which I have to sort out...So far I've only openly showed some exasperation with him on just one occasion, the rest of the time I've managed to seem patient and bite my tongue because I know I will only feel guilty afterwards. It's hard.

 

I am bumping this again, thinking it might find a new reader or two.

I am still at home with my wonderful mother. These last two years have been remarkable in the depth of relationship and love.

I was listening to Christmas songs today, so many about home. And wondered when the time comes and my mother is gone, what will a "home" feel like for me. I was thinking of several friends who live alone, and whose families are all passed. I feel very fortunate.

May you all be blessed this Season.

Andy