TMS and corporate medicine

I think we almost always have the option to "get rid of that person" or to get away from them, but the trouble is that to do so, so often comes at a price that we might not be willing to pay/suffer, neither in the short term nor for the long term.

For example, if it were a boss regularly causing injustices, then one can quit one's job, but then there wouldn't be any food on the table or money to pay the rent until one finds another job, if one can find another job (or somehow generate an income by working for oneself or whatever). It's like choosing between 'a rock and a hard place' and you don't know whether getting rid of 'the rock' or moving away from it and opting for 'the hard place' will be even worse, or actually might turn out to be a decision that leads to better things and no or far less anger/rage. I think that it's fear that often keeps us in a bad and/or difficult situation of suffering continued or perpetual injustices.

When I first joined these forums, I asked a similar question to your two questions above, and I was told by a number of people that it's often sufficient TMS recovery-wise merely to recognise your anger/rage and that you don't necessarily have to do anything to get away from a person or change a situation that's causing you it... Well, I've had a lot of anger/rage and recognised it in situations where I've been 'between a rock and a hard place' and not taken the risk of moving from 'the rock' to 'the hard place', and I don't know how much purely recognising my anger/rage has actually helped me to get to the point where I am now - that point being that I'm so much better TMS symptoms-wise than when I was bed bound, but I've not yet fully lost all of my TMS symptoms. So, for me, the jury is still out on that one.

I guess in the example of working for an awful boss, it could be sufficient to imagine blowing them up with TNT every time they do something enragingly unjust, but it might not work as it might cause anger/rage because you're having to keep doing that, and another factor, of course, would be just how bad those injustices are and how regularly they occur etc... imaginary detonation might not be sufficient and regularly endeavouring to going through the stages 1-4 detailed in this thread time consuming and exhausting in relation to perpetual injustices.

A couple of alternatives to 'TNT blasting' are to relinquish the matter (the injustices) to a higher power (if one believes in one) or to forbear. I was reading about forbearance recently, it being putting up with the wrongdoing for the sake of the relationship or group harmony. Forbearance does not, however, have to mean that we cave in and 'do turtle' to keep from ruffling our partner’s, boss’s, or work colleagues’ feathers. Forbearance can actively embrace refusal to respond negatively so that we benefit our relationship. I'm not religious but I like this quotation from the bible which I think is likely to be helpful to remember if one chooses the path of forbearance: "You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they can see your good deeds." If someone is bad mouthing you, then shining your good light may mean that others that they are bad mouthing about you to will take little or no notice of them or will eventually come around to doing that.

Also, I'm currently reading a book which suggests mentally sending those that wrong us wishes that they be happy, even when you don't feel inclined to do so. In my own life there were a couple of people who for many years made my life miserable with their unjust behaviour towards me and at the time I felt powerless to do anything about it because going from 'a rock' to opting for 'a hard place' also meant suffering and I didn't know how long that suffering might go on for and whether or not things would eventually get better for me. Purely because of a change of circumstances on their part, I encounter those people infrequently now, but when I do or they enter my thoughts (because something reminds me of them or of the circumstance I was in with them) I have recently tried mentally sending them wishes that they be happy... and to my astonishment, it works!... I go from figuratively gnashing my teeth to letting go and feeling peaceful again, and any time I think of them now, my anger/rage is noticeably less intense and, time will tell, but maybe it will at some point go altogether. It would have been interesting to see if doing this would have worked at the time of those people being majorly in my life. In the aforementioned book that I'm reading (Joy on Demand by Chade-Meng Tan) it says the following (the words in the brackets in the abstract are mine that I've just added for clarity):

"To simply think that I wish for one other person to be happy makes me happy. I suspect there is an evolutionary reason behind this. We survive as a species because we are capable of living and working closely together in large numbers. My friend the psychiatrist and author Tom Lewis, has a funny way of talking about ultra-sociality. He said he was at the local zoo looking at the tigers when a zoo employee told him they cannot put two male tigers in the same space because they will kill each other. Tom suddenly realized there were ten thousand visitors in the zoo that day, and none of the five thousand human males were killing each other. That, he told me with an impish grin, is ultra-sociality. In order to have ultra-sociality, we must have the neurological mechanism for ultra-sociality to exist, and I think the ten-second exercise (of mentally wishing for another person to be happy) illuminates the underpinning of that mechanism: the joy of loving-kindness, that simply being on the giving end of a kind thought is intrinsically rewarding. If that is true, we may have just discovered one of the most important secrets of happiness."

 

@BloodMoon
What a lovely and thorough answer to my question. Thank you!

I know this question does come up for most people and sooner or later everyone wants to know: How do I get better if I’m between a rock and a hard place? And like you said, extracting yourself is risky sometimes. It might put you in more misery. Or you simply can’t.

For me, I have several family members who truly cause me to suffer. One is a daughter in law (DIL) who can do very subtle but cruel underhanded tricks. She might not even do them deliberately. She’s sort of hardwired to be mean. And at the same time can do the occasional nice thing. This makes it hard for me to retain my equilibrium sometimes, because I always want things to be good between us. Even if I have to pretend. I also imagine if you asked her, she’d say I’m terrible. She perceives all sorts of things as an attack. Sometimes I honestly feel crazy from it all. What has resulted is me staying as far away as possible from her. But here’s the price: She and my son have the two cutest and sweetest boys in the world, ages 4&5. They live an hour away and I’ve only seen them once this year. That’s a very very steep price to pay. But I’ve paid it. (Of note here, they haven’t asked to visit me at all. Nor have invited me over. So maybe I’m kidding myself. I’m actually avoiding facing that they have ignored me, not vice versa).

For Thanksgiving this year (a major US family holiday) I have opted for the first time ever to just celebrate without my kids at home, just with my husband, quietly. My son, married to this daughter in law, helped me make the decision. We mutually agreed to all go our separate ways this year. Next thing I hear, my other son is going over to his brother’s house. In essence, there will be a Thanksgiving without me. This hurts a lot. And I’m confused. At first I felt nothing. My husband was mad for me. then 3 days later my symptoms have gone from a 4 to a 10. I’ve had a really rough week.

Part of me doesn’t agree with my husband. I said I didn’t want to get together. Now I’m upset. I can’t have it both ways. Why am I hurt? This is the TMS zone FOR sure. I’m sick of journaling about this DIL. There’s nothing new here. (She has also done some cruel siding up with my sister in the past, which I’ve shared on the forum. )

I like the Bible verse you included and your thoughts about forbearance. I have actually started praying for this DIL. Very hard. For all good things for her. (And it’s actually hard to do!) But I’m going to stick with it. I believe it will help me the most. And her. (And was also recommended by my Higher Power, Jesus). This feels like a good plan. I also believe this opens up the principle of “all things are possible with God.” (From the Bible). Seriously, who knows what can happen?

(All this is actually just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my 3 kids and their spouses. So there’s more than this!)

So there you have it. Way more than anyone wants to know —I’m sure— but I always wonder if my circumstance is similar to someone else’s. Maybe I can help?

I will add that every time I have written extensively about family relationships. It has clarified things for me and I’ve been given some astounding advice from everyone here on the forum. This time is no different. I can already see that I have some unexamined feelings about my kids. (Ugh, what a lot of pain! And work.)

Your post was very helpful and comforting. I truly appreciative you taking the time, @BloodMoon ! <3

 

@Duggit got my book. It IS the 4th edition. I am currently reading @TG957 's book, but I will begin it as soon as I am done.

Wow..what great post and topic. I just discussed this with my son this week. In the 12 steps, we have a thing called the '4th column prayer' for people we have to be around but don't care for. We are supposed to treat them the way we would treat a sick friend.

"God, this is a sick person...save me from being angry. Please show me how I can be useful to them. Thy will not mine be done"

I have had to use it a lot. But, as far as alienation goes, I am not in the habit of continually putting my hand in the fence to let the dog keep biting me over and over. We often discuss that 'please show me how to be useful' and what that might entail....for me the safe one has always been 'I think I'll just leave them alone'. That has prolly been at the root of a lot of my loneliness. Then I am mad at myself. As the number of people I need to Leave alone grows, there are fewer people I am willing to engage. Now I'm lonely and pissed at ME.

As far as TMS goes, being a Sarno-ite, I have always thought that the people I am aware of being pissed at usually aren't the 'culprit' if there is one. Reviewing my experience, it was always the ones I love very much and CAN'T get angry at who might be at the root of mystery symptoms. My sons, my ex-wife, ex-gf's, My Bosses who I like, and Maybe as I age, God?

I have an opportunity to practice @BloodMoon 's theory next week. After I was intentionally set upon by a drunken family member last year, I swore to myself I would never darken his doorstep again. I 'turned the other cheek' BUT,
now My son is hosting Thanksgiving and that A-hole is gonna be there, along with some other A-holes who made the 'Leave them alone list' a long time ago.
My mind reels with OFFENSIVE funny rejoinders, but after reading this post perhaps I will approach it differently. I USED to be very effective at saying vicious things, but as I have grown up, I lost the skill and that's probably a good thing.

I always remember that there is One story in HBP that seemed to be an outlier...it was the woman who lived with a problem brother, but finally stood up to him? Her pain went away... BUT "She could not maintain her strong posture, and the pain returned" I don't want to be her.

 

@Baseball65
I TRULY appreciate your post! You have Profoundly influenced me in the past on some of these difficult issues. And, even as I was writing the above post, I could picture you saying that I need to look at my sons not my daughter-in-law who is obvious. this is going to be very painful and I think that my symptoms (my TMS) knows it already and has been trying to keep me from looking there because my symptoms can keep me from visiting people but nothing can keep me from the pain of realizing that my family is pretty screwed up —and I came from a screwed up family. so it’s my wonderful inheritance.

I’m in Al-Anon so some of the 12 step things you mentioned have helped me so much and all of the things I’ve learned there. but I like some of the things you mentioned from AA —especially taking the responsibility when it’s yours.

I think I need to accept that I don’t want this pain anymore. I don’t want to stick my hand over the fence anymore and let the dogs bite me.

It’s easy to blame the daughter in law, but I’m gonna have to get some resolution in my mind about my kids because the whole thing is kind of blowing up right now. They’re all very hard to be around, which is the hardest thing to say as a mother. all I do is blame myself. (Crying as I write this!) even harder to admit is that they don’t love me back sometimes. Or they mistreat me- not sure which it is.

For you non- Americans out there thanksgiving is known as an absolute nightmare of holiday that everyone supposedly loves but also completely hates —because of all this stuff.

Baseball, I wish you luck with your rotten relatives at Thanksgiving. And you can’t even drink your way through it!

you really are a good example to me of someone who is brave enough to call things. I know you will figure out a way to not be lonely. There is a whole world out there of people to love —people that don’t bite —maybe some wayward teenagers you could help. you would be awesome at that!

 

I think that you can’t and shouldn’t separate yourself from everyone who annoys you because then you don’t really get it ingrained that you can safely choose a) be angry and feel physical anger in your body and that is the expression. The expression is not lashing out - you choose how much time you are willing to be exposed to them and how much mental space you offer them. However, there are always some people in our lives we need divorce because we offered them too much space and possibly trust and vulnerability when we didn’t know them well, and how their own hang ups and personalities utilize our relationship to them.
This year I dumped a co-dependent friend who took up too much of my bandwidth. Like a homing pidgeon on she sensed my goodism and then became an emotional vampire. Eventually only even trying to engage with me in her darkest hours, waiting for the free psychotherapy. At the word no, she tried harder, and still tries. It’s my learning session of no means no and that doesn’t make me a lesser person: only a stronger and better one. No reactions to what she says: verbally, physically, mentally in her presence, no letting her spoil a moment for me, I did that enough in the past and processed those emotions. It is totally freeing.
Thanks TMS for giving me the opportunity to learn these skills.
Thanksgiving with everyone but my Mom has always been fun. She is way too anal retentive about it where as my sister and I would host anyone and everyone much to her chagrin, especially our partners families.
I recently read that people who truly love and accept themselves are not lonely and don’t get bored. I don’t know if that’s true, but it was worth examining to see where I was at with the self-love acceptance thing.

 

Cactus,
Thanks so much for weighing in! As always, great wisdom!

I wish I could FEEL physical anger in my body!!! This is like a foreign language you guys use. I haven’t gotten there yet, except for the raging storm of TMS my body is inflicting upon me —even as we speak. Obviously by the volume it’s screaming right now, it’s pretty mad!
( journal time! I haven’t in awhile.)

I love this quote above because I think about this every day. I wouldn’t wish my TMS on anybody, but I can see changes in my self that would never ever take place without this TMS. It’s like my whole life is being emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, psychologically and physically rearranged for the better. It’s amazing really! We are the lucky ones.

This whole thread is giving me a lot to think about, and I can already feel the little hamsters running in my head. All sorts of inspirational thoughts are coming to my mind, once I unlocked the door accepting where this pain might be coming from with my grown kids.

their dad was a really confusing, mentally ill abusive person and I ended up getting a divorce from him. but before the divorce, I was very, very confused. I was gaslighted. I couldn’t figure out what was happening and I remember the day when the bell just went off. and I had this epiphany that to this day still works for me. It’s like he was a wagon with three round wheels and a square wheel. he was broken, irrevocably. I couldn’t stay and I couldn’t fix it. No matter how much I wanted to. I had to call it. that experience, that feeling, of coming to grips with someone’s inability to be there for you is excruciating, but once you get past that hump, there is peace and your soul will heal to accept it. With time.

I can apply the same experience to my sons. I need to accept what’s broken and stop lying to myself. Alter some of my behavior. I will be able to be around them. Just in a different way than I have been. Maybe this Thanksgiving of me wanting to pull back and regroup is just the beginning of my new honest era with them.

You guys are way better than psychotherapists! ha ha! you should send me a bill!!!

all my warmest love and peace to you all!

 

I know that you have assessed that your sister is a narcissist and from the sound of it your DIL might possibly be one too... birds of a feather (often) flock together.

In another book I'm reading ('Love Yourself and Let The Other Person Have It Your Way' by Lawrence Crane) it suggests that if you send out loving kindness messages through thinking and wishing that another person be happy, their attitude is likely to change towards you for the better. This is more than a bit 'woo woo' or 'out there' for me to really comprehend or believe, but I'm going to continue thinking and wishing people happiness even when I don't really want to, and I shall just see what happens, with no expectations.

Whether sending out such messages would foster a better attitude from a narcissist or sociopath or not I obviously don't know, and tbh I have my doubts... but as I've never tried it, imho it has to be worth a go....

However, the important thing here is how thinking and wishing your DIL and your sons to be happy is likely to make you feel.

When you pray for your DIL, as I understand it, you are asking God to help her. In addition to that, I'd like to suggest that you try out wishing and thinking her to be happy directly from you. I think this is important because I absolutely hated those people I wrote about in my last posting who had made my life a misery and, although I didn't want to, thinking and wishing them happiness directly from me (I have no religious faith, so I didn't ask God to play any part) made me and continues to make me feel (quite astonishingly) peaceful (the possible reason for this being a neurological mechanism as mentioned in the abstract I gave above from Tan's book). I feel that doing this is likely to be an important step toward loving and taking good care of yourself so that you will lose your TMS symptoms.

I think that the important thing here is how YOU feel inside, independently of whether or not troublesome family members' attitudes change towards you or whether any of the issues concerning the actions of and your relationship with your sons (and the DIL you've told us about) remain the same, get worse or are sorted out for the better.

 

Ok, I’ll try this, @BloodMoon ! It makes sense. Like karma or “putting it out there” in the universe— these things have power. I’m willing to try. But the first thing I notice, at the mere thought of it, is how resistant I am. You could even call this trait vengeful or unforgiving in me. And hence, it could honestly be part of my problem. Forgiving isn’t as easy as it seems, if I’m really honest with myself. I don’t like to admit this. But hey, if I’m going for broke on honesty, might as well go all in!

 

You don't have to forgive to do what I'm suggesting. I've never tried to forgive those people I told you about. I just put them in my mind's eye and said (not out loud) "I wish you to be happy" and repeated it a few times. There was no desire to forgive. That was the astonishing thing. I still think they are absolute sh*ts, but afterwards I felt and continue to feel less anger towards them every time I do it, and it gives me a feeling of inner peace. I think Tan is right when he theorises that the possible reason for this is due to a neurological mechanism. The people I've been wishing to be happy don't know that's what I'm doing and neither will your DIL (if you can bring yourself to do it).

 

What also sucks is when you can't get away from ... an entire society that you hate. I am constantly aggravated by how overly-scientific, aggressive, competitive and irresponsible people are, and how this is elevated to some kind of norm and ideal. You can acknowledge how you feel about it, but it's not that easy to live with, and I'm not sure you can just trot on with your life once you 'admit' how you feel. There is also nowhere else to go to get away from it, most societies are like this to varying degrees.
I wonder if these kinds of feelings are related to having CFS, specifically, also. It's so hard to deal with, going anywhere outside my house it's just relentless aggression and machine-like behaviour.

 

Oh my gosh, I agree! I think @JanAtheCPA and also @Baseball65 have mentioned this, along with others – how hard (enraging, lonely and sad) it has become to live in this world —and especially since the pandemic. I think this factors heavily in our lives, maybe more than we think. We are up against a lot, but somehow I have to believe there’s still a way to be happy. And there has to be a way to heal. I’m never going to give up on that and people here on the forum prove it to me every day. They prove that there are good people and you can heal.

 

“asking God to help her” one thing I’ve learned about prayer is asking God (or the universe) is inserting your will and desire in God’s hands. Trying to get Him to bend to what you want.
Maybe he created her perfectly in his eyes? This is exactly who I switched to the more Buddhist idea of just casting a wide net of love - it’s way more in line with Jesus teachings. I heard an ISDPT therapist who is also a Christian therapist say our relationship to God I’d often the same as one of our parents -us wanting Him to fix everything, and like our little inside gremlin have it all our way, what we want the universe to be like for us and our peace of mind.
@Ybird ”What also sucks is when you can't get away from ... an entire society that you hate. I am constantly aggravated by how overly-scientific, aggressive, competitive and irresponsible people are, and how this iselevated to some kind of norm and ideal.”
This is just your perception of what is happening in society and that makes you angry - this kind of overall stuckness of anger as a mindset is what Dr. Hanscom directly addresses in many of his writings about anger. He himself experienced it and it took him a lot of effort to loose it so that he could find personal peace and peace of mind. I have consciously made the choice to not let this mindset settle on me. To hell with them all! I can find happiness and contentment while people try to tear our society to shreds with their desire for power, money, control, complete lack of belief in the scientific, in fairness, equality, and compassion. Let them all eat themselves for dinner. I can do my own kindnesses, show compassion, spread love, and treat people with equality. I can’t control what anyone else does or thinks and fighting it all in the mind is futile, and doesn’t accomplish a thing except fester anger and keep us stewing in our own juices.

 

@Baseball65 I don't know whether this will apply to you in any way at all, but something I realised when I assessed about the people that I have had to 'leave alone' is that in the first place it was they who chose me to be their friend and I just kind of went along with it; when looking back I can see that we weren't on the same wavelength and/or we had little in common and it was never going to last. You are a well-read man with talents and passions... you like to help people, you play the guitar extremely well, you love your sons, your dog and baseball, you're a deep thinker, a great writer, and are extremely bright -- and there will be other numerous 'lights' about you that we don't know about that are 'hidden under a bushel'. In the same vein as @Diana-M has suggested, I believe that if you extend your talents, passions and interests outwards towards other people, e.g. teaching, mentoring, supporting, volunteering etc., you will be greatly appreciated, love will come your way, and you won't continue to be lonely.

Also, have you ever stopped to assess how hard you are on yourself? In your posting above you say you're "pissed" and "mad" at yourself. It's good to have realised that you might have done things better. However, at the same time, please give yourself a break and some compassion; be kind to yourself. As you will know, Dr Sarno wrote in 'The Mindbody Prescription' about the latter:

"Suppose, however, there is another element in the equation; that it is not simply the quantity of rage that brings on symptoms, but the presence or absence of counterbalancing soothing factors … the occurrence of symptoms reflects too much rage and not enough counteracting soothing elements in one’s life."

Nothing to lose in doing this! You could consider starting now by putting the A-hole in your mind's eye and then thinking/wishing him happiness a few times. 10 seconds at a time at most is all it takes, and I'm finding that in doing this regularly in relation to all the past and present A-holes that I've had to, and currently am obliged to, have something to do with is giving me peace inside. Whether the A-holes that I still have in my life will change at all with my doing this I don't know, but doing this is changing how I feel inside for the better and that's the important thing.

I hope none of this comes across as being patronising or anything like, as it's not meant to be. I fully appreciate that I have never been fully free of TMS symptoms whereas you have and for a long time... but I see stuff about you from the glimpses you give us in your postings that maybe you don't see or recognise about and in yourself. I'm sure others do too. And I hope you know that people greatly appreciate you on these forums; I'm one of them.

 

I used to get sent to a Ranch in Northern Ca. summers, holidays,etc. Middle of Nowhere. It was a school for problem kids AND a retreat for the uber wealthy. I dug holes, fed horses, shoveled shit and Rode horses whose stalls I had cleaned. My Mom who didn't use words like 'Spiritually well' used to remark that I was always BETTER when I came home after being there a few months. It is easy now to see that my inner person did NOT do well in the Playground of LA and Hollywood, but thrived in dirty, rustic , excitement free Nature. In fact, the closer I was to the city, the more trouble I got in , and I got in as much trouble as one can get in without going to the penitentiary.

In adulthood this has translated to me feeling comfortable on construction sites, but not in offices, stores, malls,etc.
It's like I am back there with my 'Bro's' and everything makes sense again...you do it right? It works. You do it wrong? It doesn't. Square Block goes in the square hole. "Kum Ba Yah my lord, Kum Ba Yah....."

...which segue's right into this. Yep, yes and Yes. I love going to places where I am alone in Nature with my dog/dogs. I went there yesterday. I hiked along a cool stream, sang to them, told them jokes and walked around the trees , chipmunks and we even saw a gigantic Blue Heron.

Didn't see another human being down there. Happy as a clam. Then, I walked around the attached facility(where I often work) and saw some of the staff....mostly super wealthy princess types whose demeanor and dress reminds me of many of the Horrors of my past. I saw one person I just avoid, per our former discussion.....As I am currently fending off an incursion, I literally turned and walked the other way lest I have to pretend to be friendly.

I TRIED to be pleasant to that person when I first began working there(smile, saying hello) but I was looked at like I was a seaslug or something, so I just look at my feet and keep going. Most of the staff being women and me avoiding them is a self protection mechanism. I need that gig. It pays well, is close to home and They want everything done perfect (Faux finishes, color matching...stuff I learned as a set painter in Hollywood) I have discussed this with lots of men, but nowadays even being pleasant to a female coworker can cost you your job.

So, there is half of the population I have to ignore.

Nope. You guys are like Family. Hell, closer than family because I don't have to abide by any 'unspoken rules'. I can ask an Honest question and not get dogpiled with emotional crap.

Whenever I read "Mindbody Prescription" I sometimes get hung up on the Heinz Kohut stuff right in that same section of the book. I definitely had about zero bonding with my parents. When I was 11 and read the lyrics to "sometimes I feel like a motherless child" I instantly got it.

Generally in the past, just being aware of this lack of bonding has been enough to shake loose a few horrors, experience them again and as soon as I get context for why I am the way I am, symptoms go away. That gal who I dodged yesterday is identical in looks and demeanor to a past horror. Knowing that the largest part of life seems to be cyclical, when I recognize a potential problem, I dodge it. If i have a few more or less than others, it's mostly of my own doing so I try and live the life I am in rather than the one I wish for.

I do make lists of 'Blessings' except when I am doing TMS work. There is this weird guilt we all seem to have about being spoiled children and it is hard to dig out sources of possible rage when I just saw how many blessings I have. I do have a lot....more than I can count. But I am also not getting something or I wouldn't have these attempted incursions all the time

 

That Ranch in Northern CA sounds wonderful.

I feel the same in nature. I moved to a smaller city, in Arizona. Not long ago. After living in CA for almost 20 years.

It's wonderful here, not much traffic, quiet, friendly people not freaks everywhere. We (my husband and I) had to drive to Phoenix last weekend and it was exhausting in traffic there, in the stores etc. Crazy people, in a hurry, two cars cut us off in traffic, they were driving like demented morons. No wonder people living in big cities are so nervous, restless. Plus there is lots of mental illness. Many are on medication, psychiatric. Sad, really sad.

Better to live more simply, in nature, more quiet, serene. There is no price for the silence and it also prolongs the lifespan with more than 10 years.

 

I was at my happiest as a child when I was at horse camp, and this is my number one goal/hope for my life now, to try riding again and see if I still like it. Since I don't live a city where you can get to horses on the metro (NYC or Paris or anything), it's a major transportation problem... I don't drive, no one to drive me, and low energy also.

Yeah, this is what I want now . I'm single & don't connect well with others, so, it's probably along way off if it ever happens at all. Everything is so logistically difficult.

 

Imho it's about going to, and incidentally meeting people, in the 'right' places; by that I mean that a snooty piece of work like you describe is far less likely to be volunteering in the kind of place that you have told us you feel at peace in.

 

Unfortunately, around here they are always connected. People with money tend to hog up all of the acreage that is still natural. I also have the mixed bag of having a skill that only wealthy people will pay for , or at least value.
I work a lot in Belle Meade. It is per capita the wealthiest city in America. It is also adjacent to the most magnificent parks, a plantation and all of the rivers and streams, mountains. Most of the people there don't enjoy it....it's like something to own, not to use....thus how I can have a whole section of river to myself
Most of 'My People' have gotten priced out of here and had to move to the east and northside of town....overbuilt and flat. I moved here 20+ years ago to get out of LA, but the city folk all flooded here during Covid. It's funny, because now they are doing all of the stuff that ruined LA.
I'm thinking Alabama? Arkansas? Indiana?

 

Or the Moon? Ha ha. I was joking...

Many were forced to move to more affordable areas. We are living in weird times now.

 

If it's that you're thinking of moving to one of these States, I wouldn't be able to suggest, as I'm a Brit and have never been to the US. It will be a balance, of course, that you will be looking for, somewhere where there's work but within easy travelling distance of the countryside and I really hope you find that suitable niche for yourself. Here in England the wealthy own a lot of our beautiful countryside too, but, fortunately, we 'plebs' have the 'right to roam' by law, however; there are 'rights of way' all over the place on 'public footpaths' on privately owned land. Madonna fell foul of this some years ago when she tried to stop 'ramblers', as we call hikers, from using the public footpaths on her multi million £ 1,370-acre estate in England. She claimed that the footpaths "violated her human rights". She lost her case. She is quoted as saying that she had nothing but "bad to say about the ramblers".