Want to heal? Stop trying to heal!

I’ll give you both a personal example. I have hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos, a structural disorder I've had since birth. The majority of my pain and other symptoms stem from autonomic dysfunction (often said to be the mechanism behind TMS). You know what hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos is notorious for?

Causing severe autonomic dysfunction, including postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS), orthostatic intolerance, Raynaud’s, etc. Some Ehlers-Danlos patients are completely bedridden and disabled.

I could just as easily blame my sympathetic overactivity on my Ehlers-Danlos. And lots of other symptoms I’ve dealt with since childhood. The symptoms are absolutely endless: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.pinterest.com/amp/pin/561331541026445694/?source=images (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome)

In fact, some doctors and fellow patients have told me just as much. I know how it feels to stand up and have my heart rate increase so much, I start blacking out. I’m all too familiar with adrenaline surges that wake me up throughout the night. I could go on and on and on, literally.

But saying Ehlers-Danlos is 100% responsible wouldn’t explain why my pain went from me not being able to type on a computer or pet my cat without excruciating pain (I’m the one who was applying for assisted suicide because I was so miserable), to me rarely having any pain at all. Or why my heart rate has significantly gone down, whether I’m resting or walking. Or why my autonomic nervous system went from not being able to tolerate certain chemicals at all, to me (responsibly!) enjoying both again. The truth is that stress is behind the severity and majority of my symptoms. To hell with Ehlers-Danlos. Sure, my jaw loves to pop out when I chew or sneeze or yawn. But I am back in charge.

Your attitude is everything. We just had a discussion about Parkinson’s patients being able to increase their dopamine with a placebo or stop hand tremors through meditation.

If we can do it, so can you. And again, all of these posts are TMSing.

 

Thanks for sharing that. Wow. I completely believe it. The brain is amazing. So what is the secret? What did you do (or stop doing) that changed all of this for you?

 

I modified my post a bit to include a little more detail on my symptoms, for what it’s worth.

I stopped focusing on the pain and lived. I practiced meditation and forgiveness. I stopped thinking about Ehlers-Danlos and genetics. I stopped giving a shit, really.

 

How did you stop focusing on the pain while you were in pain? I can’t seem to grasp how to do that.

 

I truly relaxed and began enjoying life as much as possible. Also, slow breathing (similar to biofeedback) helped calm my body down. That’s all I did. The reduction in pain came after.

I used to try to “desensitize” myself to the pain by stroking a feather against my skin, which I had read about online. I wanted to convince my brain I had no pain or reason for pain. Focusing on the pain only doubled it.

For what it’s worth, even cancer, neuropathy (real nerve damage, not TMS nerve pain), etc. patients can train their brains to beat pain, so why can’t an individual with TMS?: https://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/health-science/training-the-brain-to-beat-pain/news-story/45ad7b7daaaf3c4bbbab6c76b0190ac7?nk=3141ee04018349c35bc6e80264aeecf2-1522981761 (Nocookies)

That said, I highly recommend taking the approach of just living, as opposed to focusing on pain often like the patients in the above article. But it’s reassuring to know that anyone can beat pain, structural or not. And even structural issues have psychogenic components.

 

Thanks! I will try that.

 

Good morning
I would like to answer you step by step..

]Thank you for your thoughtful words and words to help me ponder more clearly. Claire weeks is very prolific and brilliant writer, as well as doctor. I have overcome a very severe panic disorder that left me agoraphobic twice - one for a year or so and another one for nearly 5 years. Once I learned the tools and how my body got into the habit of panic, I was able to control it and overcome it.

well .. the pain works the same way ... simply because you follow the same principle of accepting ... that is, not fighting but keeping close to you!

Pain is a little bit different, and has been with me longer, although I was anxious as a child. It seems when I’m not anxious, I’m in pain, and when I am anxious, I’m not in pain. Last year, when I got my first job in 20 years, I felt on top of the world. I felt at that time that I was finally letting go of this stranglehold the pain had a over me.
It got to a point where I stopped liking the job just because of the monotony of it, which then the pain started coming back and using me as an excuse to, once again, protect me.

I'm sorry but I think you're wrong, the pain works the same way .. simply because they take the same message .. pain is a symptom and anxiety is a symptom ...you say these symptoms alternate and you say that when you had good news, the pain left you a little quieter. When the job stopped enjoying .. again the pain .. is the emotion that is calling you and nothing more..your brain has learned to express every feeling in this way ... monotony, anger, sadness, annoyance, disappointment ... even the smallest thing is expressed like this.

I am not afraid of the pain anymore and I have learned to acccept it. The last few weeks, if I hurt, I take a pain pill or I do heating pad or icy/hot. I’ve come to the conclusion that I will heal in my own due time. Sometimes, it’s hard to think this is completely emotional, just because I have genetics that predispose me to diseases, like rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, and thyroid problems. Because, my mother and my sister and my grandmother all suffered from health problems, it’s really hard to think of myself as someone who is completely devoid of that.

ok I start from the fact that it is tms but it was not so .. the attitude of saying .. I've tried for 5 years nothing works, maybe it's genetic ... it tells your brain that you have no escape and is alarmed he sends signs of pain ... even if it is a disease it is important that you face it without worrying, and that's why what CLaire says about anxiety is the same thing for pain ... accepting means knowing that you may not get well and that's okay! it means that if you feel pain instead of worrying, you put yourself there to listen and use the tools to calm your fear, this removes the fuel to the pain ... here they say it all in all the ways ...fear is the fuel of pain.

Anyway, I feel freer than I have in a long time, with the decision that I have made. I have all the tools that I need and I have done many things to retrain my brain. I think at this point, I just need to move on and forget the pain is an issue or that I need to continue fighting it. As an example, I just got an interview for a new job tomorrow and I am confident that if I do get it, I will make every effort to enjoy it and live as if there is nothing wrong with me. If something does happen in the future, well then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I agree it is not necessary to fight pain because it is there and will not listen to you if you fight it. I would just like to say to you one last thing .. when you're badly check if you've ignored yourself, if you have not treated yourself carefully, if you have not been kind .. you may find that maybe the problem is right there. Forgive me again if I have been intrusive, I hope I did not bother you, I'd just like to help you.

Have good day Jules

 

Mary, your entire response hit the nail on the head and was beautiful.

Exactly! This is the #1 way to reinforce doubt and that something could be wrong with you to your subconscious (you don’t even have to be consciously aware of it).

And again, even if someone did have a family history of a specific condition, your genes don’t 100% mean you’re going to get it (and chronic stress actually increases your risk of specific genes being expressed). Plus, look at me. I have a congenital condition, hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos, that will 100% never go away. My connective tissue will never be normal. I was suffering from symptoms from the time I was a young child, two and a half decades before I even knew what the disorder was! And yet my symptoms have been greatly alleviated through handling anger and anxiety differently. I think Ehlers-Danlos makes me more sensitive to stress-related symptoms, and my brain has clearly been opportunistic in using certain the disorder when I repress rage. I 100% consider myself to have TMS. And I’ve seen other Ehlers-Danlos patients say the same when it comes to certain symptoms. I’m doing very well!

My intention isn’t to make this all about me, but to provide hope and also to show why worrying about family history is pointless. Stop worrying.

 

OP I read most of what you posted. I think you should lose hope. You are supposed to stop hoping and stop “trying.”

I think that’s what you are missing. You have to not care that it hurts. It’s very hard to do. I don’t think you can will it to happen either. You have to improve your life situation enough that you can be happy even if the pain never leaves. Then just accept that it’s going to hang around a while, but know the day will come when it’s gone because it can’t cause a reaction in you.

RSI is my TMS. I type 8+ hours a day. I’m at the final hurdle. Had an extinction burst today but was able to actually realize it as that and not react so strongly. I limit nothing I do now. It’s befoming extremely clear that the pains ability to alter my thinking in ANY way drives symptoms.

Developed the tenacity and drive to not care about the pain. It feels good. You know all the TMS material. If hanging around here and such brings focus to your pain step away. Work on outcome independence in all aspects of your life. That was necessary, hard, and worth it for me. The circumstances had to be ripe for the pain to come along. Remove those stressful circumstances so your mind can feel safe.

Medicate if it helps, but don’t lose sight of the real cause.

 

Hi Jules,

Your topic and story relates a lot to me.
I am working on pain with the tms approach for 2,5 years.
After suffering already for three before that
Had crazy debiltating footpain, doing lot better.
Than new stuf and new pain.
And life events to mess it al up.
I am pretty desperate too and lately want to ‘give it up ‘ too but not want too really.


What really stands out to me (and i use it too myself ) is the phrase : ‘healing’
Cause in fact : saying i am not able to ‘heal ‘ is the same thing as telling
yourself : i see myself as a sick person , not being well.
And if so : when can you see yourself as ‘‘healed’
?
I think this is a big question.
To stay with my own situation:
I was doing pretty good on the footpain
was getting back to life more and more
And suddenly stuff is happening in my life with my mother. Long story : but in short : major stress
As a reaction to that : panic , anxiety
New pain and depression
So now i am really confinced i am not ‘healed ‘ because life threw shit at me and once again i ‘fall’
Cannot function properly .. react with pain

This got my thinkin too : if i am dissapointed about that , my reaction and my symptoms again : what do i consider in fact to be ‘a good reaction to major stress ‘ ?
Do i expect myself to fully function and be in control and happy etc ?
The answer is : yes
so if i cannot do that : in my eyes i am failing ouch. See the paradox there ?
So what would being healed mean ?
No problems, no pain, a life without stress, me in full control ?
Like you all this time i worked hard to get ‘well’ , get rid of it , fix it ,
But i never visualized really what the finish of it all would look like ?
Saw succes stories with lines as ‘i got my life back’ for a long time this would be my goal too. But now wonder : if the way i lived my life was the problem maybe better not really go back there ?

Maybe ask the ‘seniors’ here that question , (i think i know the answer ..)
But to all who consider themselfs healed:
Is your life without pain psysical and without worry, anxiety and worries for the most part ?
Or ?

 

We are all already "healed," as nothing is wrong with our bodies. Every single person on the planet has TMS at some point - it's a natural phenomenon. Some of us just have much more advanced and painful cases. What this means is that the definition of "healed" is a state of being we have already achieved, regardless of whether we're currently in pain or not. I stopped worrying before my pain went away. Then the pain started diminishing. However, it didn't even matter if the pain went away or not, because I wasn't going to worry about anything anymore, other than having a fulfilling life devoted to expanding my consciousness.

Personally, I typically advise against pain medications, as getting off them sometimes isn't very fun (but it's doable, and don't ever listen to anyone who says otherwise; my intention is not to scare you). Heating pads can be effective, biofeedback calms the autonomic nervous system down and relieves some tension, etc. I always recommend natural methods, as they're the easiest to stop once you no longer need them. Remember: As demonstrated in one of the links I shared above, neuroplasticity techniques can remove pain for patients who have structural problems (e.g., true small fiber neuropathy, advanced cancers, etc.), so nobody is hopeless.

 

@karinabrown, healing really is about recognising how your personality and your reactions to people and events is the core of the problem. Sometimes it is a lifelong way of being, sometimes it is more culmulative and based around stressful events, and sometimes a combination of both. Either way TMS is the result of veering into certain emotional and physiological states repeatedly because we have not yet learned how to self-care and self-soothe.

It really is that simple. Healing is a creative commitment to living in the moment, moment-by-moment and responding to what is happening mindfully, compassionately and authentically.

This is why changing your situation leads to temporary relief and not recovery. Jon Kabat-Zinn, who introduced mindfulness to the West, wrote books with great titles. One is 'Wherever You Go, There You Are' which clearly explains how running away from situations is pointless. Another one is called 'Full Catastrophe Living' which teaches us that Life will happen but it is how we deal with it that counts.

I used to think that if our elderly parents miraculously became well and my partner miraculously recovered, that my stressful tms-inducing life would fade away and I would achieve the 100% cure I wanted. This is just another twist of perfectionism. In the perfect world no one ages, no one ails, no one dies.

No one has that life because life is not like that. It has its stages and seasons. Most of the people here are at the time of life where we are assuming the role of Elder. Where the care of our elderly rests upon our shoulders. I know of people who like to pretend this kind of stuff isn't happening. I know of people who have left their partners because their partner become devastatingly ill or disabled, and I know people who assiduously avoid spending time with elderly parents because they cannot handle the decline. These people are immature and their signature avoidance affords them little protection in the long run. Ultimately they have to face themselves and their fears, the exact same fears and TMS issues we are facing now.

So if we cannot control life and we cannot control the stressful events life brings our way, what can we do?

Become emotionally strong. TMS recovery is not the absence of stress, worry, anxiety, pain and fear but rather the ability and the skills to not be demolished by them every time life ebbs and flows. We learn to move with it. We learn to sleep and rest rather than ruminate. We learn to move our bodies and calm our minds. We learn to open our hearts again and again and again. And we see the fruitlessness of trying to keep life on the straight and narrow. Life is Nature and there are no straight lines in Nature. Nature is not perfect. Life is not perfect. Healing is not perfection.

So yes, the TMS veterans here will tell you that Life still roughs them up sometimes but you learn to stop taking it so personally because this makes your mind rampantly negative, and you learn to treat every single thing with care and with kindness, and in so doing you cease veering between extremes, you soften and stress diminishes. Life becomes more peaceful. Then, when tragedy or trauma strike you are better able to cope. You are resilient. You become someone strong enough to hold the fort but also strong enough to ask for help.

As @Caulfield says you stop trying to heal because there is nothing wrong with you. Instead you begin to allow your emotions their integrity and their full expression. That really is all it is.

Plum x

 

@plum
I always need to listen to these explanations

 

Plum
So eloquently put. Thanks for your prose and your wisdom.
Kindly
Lainey

 

Plum,

You even did better than yourself with
this reply
I can certainly learn from this and bet Jules does too
In fact i decided to print it out and
put it on my wall to re read it this week

‘Learning self care ‘
That does sounds better than ‘i have to heal’ ..

I really thought about your words
About dealing with elderly parents
And for some part you hit a nerve
Part of me does not want to deal with this : again
Strangly 14 years ago i was
strong when my father got cancer
Helped him and my mother
And after he died , i supported her
So i know what being strong is
But : its like the whole tms pain years
Took it all away
Leaving me fragile
Wanting to avoid further pain
And ofcourse i know the difference
so i feel quilty about my feelings
So doing ‘what i am suppost to do
But fearfull and anxious
And wondering if i am maturing
Backwords ..
Instead of growing stronger, i feel
A lot weaker

I like this topic thought i think it brings clearity


X Karina

 

Thank you so much Plum, Artistry in it's truest form. I too have copied this to read each day. I only wish I
had your wisdom. After many yrs I am now just learning about self soothing and hoping that I may be able to find
some peace. Nancy

 

Thank you everyone for your comments, and just to set the record straight - I really believe I do have TMS - that’s not in question - my issue now is that my brain hasn’t fully accepted that and is fighting back. Not only that, but I also believe - as Plum mentioned - even if I were healed, life happens and every pain is not TMS. Do I believe a lot of symptoms are? Yes, but there are other health issues that creep up, sometimes serious diseases that have nothing to do with emotions.

I have learned quite a bit about myself, as well as how to calm myself and love myself, throughout this TMS journey; however, I cannot just pretend that every one of my issues are emotional either. For instance, I had a problem with scar tissue after my youngest daughter was born, which I am just one of those people who develop it way too much. That has caused digestive issues, pelvic pain, bladder pain, IBS, and trapped gas sometimes. That is something physical. I also have a hiatal hernia, which I’ve had for 25 years. If I get stressed out, yes, it can begin to hurt and cause digestive issues. I also have hypoglycemia since birth. So, I do believe that physical issues can be exacerbated by stress. I wholeheartedly believe in stress illness.

I am not naïve to think that I will go through this life without having some kind of physical issue, just because it’s in my genes, as it is in everyone’s genes. That is what I have come to accept. I am no longer afraid of pain that comes up, and the pain that I do know that I have can always be soothed.

At this point, I want to just live life. I don’t want to try and fight anymore, I don’t want to try and go down 50 million paths to healing. Yes, I know I have already healed. I believe that, but my brain has not accepted that yet. The more I focus on healing, and doing all these things that every book says to do, the more I obsess over it, and then I repeat the never-ending cycle again. I need to let it go. For some people, doing all like Steve did was their answer. I believe mine is actually the opposite. It’s been enough time that if I was going to heal that way, I would have already done so.

So, I am accepting the way I am, and I am going to stop obsessing. I am going to live my life day by day and stop TMSIng, as everyone here says I have been doing, and let it go.

 

Jules,

maybe this is THE last piece of the puzzle !
Wish you all the best

 

Mary, Lainey, Katrina and nancy, thank you all for your kind words. I'm so glad that I have been able to distill some wisdom from the past decade that is helpful to others. This forum has been a life-saver for me and I remember well the years I combed posts here (and tmshelp) for insights and answers. These days I do what I can to help provoke epiphanies and to connect healing dots for others.

Jules, I love Sarno to bits but I really think the repressed emotion paradigm is too narrow. Undeniably emotions are key but in terms of healing I find that whole field very unhelpful. That's why I got so stuck for so long.

When I left the forum for two years I gave myself tacit permission to expand my healing repertoire to include more body-oriented methods. At first I experienced the voice of internalised reproach but after a while it softened and fell silent.

I needed to include my body in my healing. I needed to break the orthodox TMS protocol conditioning that denied any and all physical intervention. I had created a nest of obsessive healing prohibitions and beliefs around the pain. I had to be away from well-intentioned people confusing the hell out of me. All of this was pre-Alan Gordon days so the healing ethos was very much the pure psychological Sarno.

Alan Gordon's new program helped me break the last of the conditioning. (I know you have done that to death too so I'm not about to suggest any re-explorations. I am saying that no efforts are ever wasted and at some point in the future don't be surprised to find pieces falling into place by themselves.)

All the psychological stuff didn't help me at all with my pain initially, those boons would come later. The post I wrote above is a devotion to those insights. However I had reached the point where 'trying to heal' had generated so much additional tension I needed more to break the deadlock. I am also someone who is very kinaesthetic and benefits greatly from the physical relief.

Hand on heart, my pain-reduction was most dramatically affected by sleep, the combination of swimming and prolonged use of the massage jets in the jacuzzi, and by Yin Yoga. These elements used in conjunction with the emotional healing (the self-soothing and self-care) were the combination I needed.

Life is physical and is subject to wear and tear. My car has had need of a couple of repairs lately and that is not due to emotional issues! Our bodies have physical needs too and we need to honour them. We need to respect the experiences that shape us.

You speak of your body's battle scars...my hubby had a bad fall as a kid which resulted in a traumatic brain injury (TBI), in exactly the place where Parkinson's would later manifest. So while I am very optimistic that he can heal symptomatically, I acknowledge that something very real and very physical exists. These wounds are part of our story and I prefer to embrace them than try to ameliorate them out of existence. Some things we have to live with and the emotional healing rests in making peace with that.

Mind~Body healing has been practised for thousands of years in every culture of the world. Everything from song, story and dance through to diet, herbs and massage with all manner of beautiful rituals inbetween. It seems absurd to me that we get stuck on one way of healing and one way of living. Carving up the mind from the body from the soul is a very modern practice which really makes no sense at all. They are indivisible. This perspective gifts us with a cornucopia of choices, that we may be creative with. Doing nothing is sometimes an excellent choice, which brings us full circle to the point of your post. It's perfectly ok to down tools and take a breather and somewhere in that space your intuition will pipe up with the next right move.

Plum x

 

Dear Plum
I appreciate your involvement with this forum. Your posts have been thought provoking and inspiring. Thank you for "helping to connect the healing dots" in so many ways.

Your comments quoted above speak to me in a personal way.
"Healing is a creative commitment to living in the moment...." was a way I approached my life many, many years ago. Things changed in the nineties and life thereafter became more regimented, more complicated and as a result my response to all things became less authentic. This was not a good change for me and my body began to suffer more. The next 20 years were years of struggle and also, accomplishment, yet this came at a cost. I had found Sarno's books during this time and intellectually felt that, yes, he was correct, but I could not yet embrace this philosophy. Too much on my plate too little space in my life for reflection.

"pain-reduction ...dramatically affected by sleep........in conjunction with the emotional healing..." are elements in my healing now. I use massage, meditation, che nei tsang, water exercise, and most significantly for me is that I no longer need to strive for a living (retired). This has been life-saving for me. Yet, on the flip side of not working is that fact that I am aging and this has been another stage of life to embrace, admittedly with some trepidation.

"Mind-Body healing has been practiced for thousands of years in every culture of the world........" should give us all hope for the future of the world. I agree that the body and the soul are 'indivisible'. and. . . 'doing nothing is sometimes an excellent choice."

Thank you again for continuing to offer your wisdom and kind thoughts on this forum.

Kindly
Lainey