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What else is there - Seriously

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by eskimoeskimo, Aug 7, 2020.

  1. Marls

    Marls Well known member

    @Miller I don't know that I "burned through my negative emotions", but I do know that I increased my positive emotions which I felt created my own "state of balance". One trick for me - I printed a list of positive emotions and picked one and just dwelt on it. Savored it. Thought about how it related to me. Yuuummed it.
    I'm very glad that you realise this is not "it" for you; Crikey, it's just a stop along the way of a magnificent journey. What you will learn from it and from this forum may very well set you up for a life of being at one with your emotions. cheers, marls
    RogueWave, BloodMoon and tgirl like this.
  2. Balsa11

    Balsa11 Well known member

    Maybe the anxiety stems from wanting trust and confidence. Changing how we think is something we return to time and time again, it's a feeling of growth that all people feel from time to time. Do you still feel like there's something fundamentally broken within you and doubting yourself as a person? Shame? Disgust? Fear? Apathy? Tell your brain and body that you absolutely believe in its resilience through hard times no matter what your next move is.

    Get a second opinion, maybe, and if you decide to do it, be sure to prepare well to minimize any risks.
    Dorado likes this.
  3. eskimoeskimo

    eskimoeskimo Well known member

    I'm not considering psychedelic drugs at this stage. I have tried them before, in a professional and non-professional setting and experienced no benefit beyond an interesting couple hours.

    I have no idea what to do at this stage. It feels totally hopeless. I can't spend another 10 years trying this. I can't bear it.
    Balsa11 likes this.
  4. Idearealist

    Idearealist Peer Supporter

    No advice, but just know that you're not alone in feeling like you're at a dead end.
    Balsa11 and Dorado like this.
  5. Dorado

    Dorado Beloved Grand Eagle

    @eskimoeskimo, I agree it’s important for us to support you and iterate that you’re definitely not the only person who has ever felt hopeless. You may feel that way, but people don’t feel that way about you, and you won’t be abandoned. If you ever need to talk in this thread - about anything, really - just let us know and we’ll continue to be there.
  6. Balsa11

    Balsa11 Well known member

    Don't give yourself a deadline it makes things worse, even though you want to get better so bad. Comfort yourself in every moment but don't avoid triggers. I still get symptoms too.
  7. RogueWave

    RogueWave Well known member

    For everyone still dealing with symptoms, keep in mind that the process it took to get to the point where you had symptoms most likely took a long, long time.

    A person can have a heart attack one day, but the building of the clot usually takes years (it’s just asymptomatic, or relatively so, up until that point).

    So steer the course. You are quite literally changing who you are internally, and that doesn’t happen quickly.

    If suggestions here aren’t working, and nothing else is, try coming up with something on your own. Sometimes this is the best (and only!) way.
  8. Mark1122

    Mark1122 Well known member

    Yeah but for some it doesnt only not get better but gets a lot worse even
    Balsa11 likes this.
  9. miffybunny

    miffybunny Beloved Grand Eagle

    Symptoms are reinforced by fear and focus. The more a person gets frustrated, "tries", rues, curses , fights, wants to "fix", the symptoms, the more they feed the strategy and the TMS has the person in their grip. When one is in a state of resistance, it activates the danger center in the brain. Getting better is simple but not easy. The faster you want to get rid of symptoms, the longer it will take. The less you care and let them affect you, the more they cease to have a purpose. The more you hate the symptoms, the more they own you. The only way to take your power back is to realize and accept that there's nothing wrong with you to begin with. It's not about an "approach" (no one is selling anything here)...it's about self acceptance and your own personal journey. You are creating these symptoms...they are not happening "to" you. I keep repeating myself over and over and over but hopefully if I say the same thing in a million different ways, the message can get through to anyone reading who is struggling.
    tgirl, RogueWave and Balsa11 like this.
  10. Olalola

    Olalola New Member

    Hi @miffybunny,

    What you advise to do in case of non-stop pain/muscle spasm getting worse at night/while relaxing. Once I try to stay calm and reassured, even more crazy stuff happens like weird muscle spasm and painful twitching, hard to fall asleep when the body is jumping. I suppose my brain is soooo freaked out and cannot get out of fight or flight, when I try to relax, never can truely do so. Even deep breathing is painful as the sore muscles move.

    So what to do... when calming down does not really help. Distract myself or is it running away and hence fear...? I can feel anxiety more and more and try to alllow these feelings to resurface and just let them be. Feels right but not sure if I am fueling it by attention or it is this magic 'feeling my feelings' :)

    Another question: what about preoccupation. Not able to ignore the pain, do not even try anymore cause it feels like fighting. But what to do when it is hard to truely focus on anything else? I mean I do my stuff but the preoccupation is still there and not just in the background enough so that I could say I can truely engage in my life?

    one more thing, shall I just not even try to relax these clenched muscles? Actually Ive been always trying to relax them with no success. So just let them clench and do nth about it?

    Balsa11 likes this.
  11. Balsa11

    Balsa11 Well known member

    Just don't force anything, cut out negativity from your life, focus on needs rather than wants. Let go of what you have gathered in your mind and choose what to take in often.

    Space out, let go, and once again pay attention to your thinking.
    RogueWave likes this.
  12. Balsa11

    Balsa11 Well known member

    Don't overthink anything whether pain related or not. We're careful not to overdo something physically strenuous but but we constantly overdo fear, shame, anger, or tension, or anything that perpetually bothers us inside like a thorn.
    miffybunny and RogueWave like this.
  13. miffybunny

    miffybunny Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi @Olala,

    Symptoms will do what they do: come and go, wax and wane. move around, shift, change intensity, stay in one place...whatever. Your brain will try to subvert you and test you over and over but ALL that matters is that you lose the fear. Tell yourself "It's just my brain","It doesn't matter", ""It's harmless", "This will pass", "I'm going to do what I want and what I need to do". In the beginning practice and patience are a must. It's impossible to "ignore" sensations so when they distract you, rather than getting preoccupied and saying "oh crap what was that?", say "Oh that's interesting...it's my brain...I wonder what the message is?". Shift your focus to whatever you are feeling underneath the anxiety. Allow any and all emotions to come up. Let them be there if they do come up...whether it's fear, anger, guilt, or grief. Let them pass through. Just as symptoms are temporary, so are our thoughts. Ask yourself what you were thinking about. Become aware of negative thought patterns that are generating all that tension in your body causing this clenching. These thought patterns can be so chronic and entrenched, we often go on autopilot and the anxiety is unconscious as well. It gets expressed through somatic pathways in the body. Trying to make yourself relax is a paradox. It's like trying to sleep. You can't think your way out it or force it. It's a matter of allowing and getting out of your own way. When all else fails, stop thinking. If it's time to sleep, tell yourself "I know you're a little confused brain, but now I'm going to sleep and we'll figure this out later". The work is to constantly communicate to the brain that you are safe, your emotions are safe and you are just fine handling them. Then the brain can calm down and stop sending you signals of pain and symptoms to "alert" you and "protect"you. It realizes that it's not necessary since you are not in danger. Remember, your body wants to be relaxed and well. We disallow that with our own thoughts. Lose the fear, shift focus, and reach for better feeling thoughts. Our bodies are simply extensions of our minds. We instruct the brain and body by using our conscious mind to override these old patterns and programs and conditioned responses of the subconscious mind.
    tgirl, Balsa11 and RogueWave like this.
  14. RogueWave

    RogueWave Well known member

    Well put. In concept it’s simple, in practice it’s difficult, usually.

    It’s like saying ‘all you have to do is run 1000 miles!’ Easy to understand, hard to do, especially after the initial ‘I’m going to fix this!’ wears off and you realize there is 995 miles left to go.

    Acceptance, letting go and ‘getting out of the way’, confidence, humility, peace...all change the chemistry of the body, and will allow it to heal.

    Allow. Notice the difference? Do you have to force your heart to beat? To digest food? Force a cut or a broken bone to heal? No. Most of the body is on autopilot, and we are unconsciously getting in the way of the healing, like sticking a finger into an open wound over and over.

    It is very difficult to relax into and fully accept suffering, but all the people here who have healed themselves have done it. And we are all normal people, just like any of you reading this right now.

    If you one approach isn’t working or making it worse (and you’ve given it some time), change course. Find a way.

    Like I said, sometimes the only way to learn is to try and figure it out on your own. If a teacher gave an answer every time you had trouble in math class, you may not ever really learn how to do it for yourself.

    There is not a single person’s post here that is unintelligent. Emotional, of course! But everyone here is capable of doing this. It just might take a different approach. Not everyone learns the same way, and not everyone uses the same workout to lose weight, so you just have to find or create what works for you, while keeping the basic principles in mind.
    gipfel65, Miller, BloodMoon and 3 others like this.
  15. eskimoeskimo

    eskimoeskimo Well known member

    Thank you
    Balsa11 likes this.
  16. eskimoeskimo

    eskimoeskimo Well known member

    I can't find any hope. I don't believe anymore that I can get better.
  17. Dorado

    Dorado Beloved Grand Eagle

    I thought the same thing back in 2017 when I was posting about assisted suicide in other countries, which I wouldn’t have even been eligible for, of course. I had a few posters report my hopeless messages and try to reason with me for days on end, only for me to reject all of their advice and state that my life wasn’t worth living. I eventually had a poster from my same city recognize the name of a neighborhood I described walking through a couple of times - including once at 4 AM while drunk as an Uber driver pleaded with me to not do so at such an hour. I talked about how this area used to have sentimental value to my family for several generations and I just wanted to feel alive and connected to something (it’s the same exact neighborhood Derrick Rose was born in and claims gave him PTSD). This fellow poster was also pleading with me to think about my actions. My family and friends were already scared to death over what was clearly a nervous breakdown, but that was nothing new, and there was something about a total stranger on a website being scared for me that made me realize I hit a new low.

    I don’t have all the answers for everyone. I’m glad you care about your parents. I know it’s painful feeling so dead inside and I definitely understand trying all kinds of things - even the dangerous things I did - to feel something. I’m glad I stuck around and life is incredibly different for me today. I believe that’s possible for you, too, even if my way doesn’t work for everyone.
    BloodMoon, Balsa11 and RogueWave like this.
  18. Balsa11

    Balsa11 Well known member

    It's not about being 100% better, but good enough to feel confident and stay active. Everything is fluctuating and uncertain. Right now I'm feeling lost about my interests, but I'm still learning a lot about life in this crazy time.

    Hopelessness always makes it worse. Don't engage with it or push the thought away. Don't try to ignore it. Don't do anything and let it pass.

    Just let yourself be as you are in the moment.

    This is such a scary time. Please stay safe.
    Dorado likes this.
  19. eskimoeskimo

    eskimoeskimo Well known member

    That is where I'm at @Dorado. I'm sorry that you've felt this way too. And I am glad that you got better. I do not believe I can. Back in 2017, I had already been posting this same desperate message on this forum for 4 years. Now it's been another 4. Not a single day throughout that entire time has been anything other than excruciating. I'm no longer willing to endure this meaningless pain on the vanishingly small chance that I'll miraculously get better, or suddenly understand what the hell everyone who says they've gotten better is talking about. Maybe you all found your placebo. I have no clue.
    Balsa11 likes this.
  20. eskimoeskimo

    eskimoeskimo Well known member

    I can truly say that not a single one of the million TMS flavored recommendations I've been given has worked one bit. It's not just that I haven't gotten better, it's that none of this stuff has helped at all. What am I supposed to do with that? Again going back to @RogueWave's comment - he is bemused when patients aren't willing to cross diagnoses off the list of potentials when the treatment aimed at that diagnosis doesn't work. Okay, well ... in 10 years, the TMS 'treatment' has never helped. Wouldn't I be crazy to not check this explanation/diagnosis off the list? Of course, the response always comes back: "It can take time to truly understand, or maybe you're not ready yet, or you haven't fully absorbed it or applied it with sufficient resolve" ... but you can play that game with absolutely anything. It's not like I tried this half-heartedly. I've given it 10 years of my life. 1/3 of my life has been spent trying to get better using TMS strategies. That fact alone makes me want to jump off a bridge.

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