What else is there - Seriously

I'm honored that you should enter the chat Hillbilly. Honestly it's like hearing from a celebrity. I can't tell you how many times I've read your summary posts to steel my nerves and point me in the right direction (though I recognize that rereading might be contra your recommendations in those very posts).

I'm not sure what to say because what I want to say you asked me not to say. So instead I'll just try to absorb your message. I hope that you're right. I certainly want to believe that you are.

Just to clarify slightly, I'm not much afraid of damaging my neck via activity. It's more the latter ... not sure how to cope with constant pain - whatever the cause - and I find the symptom extremely distressing and distracting. If I'm afraid of damage, it's more so the fear of all the damage that constant stress is doing to my brain, my heart, my health generally. And my appearance actually, but that's a whole other can of worms.

Anyways I'll stop there because I don't want to start reflexively litigating. I'll just sit with what you said.

Thank you

 

Me too, I find repetitive chores and hygiene stuff to be pleasantly diverting

 

I've certainly never achieved that. I've tried and tried ... but I won't make excuses

 

Honestly though, it's not like I've been living in my parents' basement for 10 years. I've had full time jobs, travelled all over the world, and earned an Ivy League degree. What else is 'living your life' supposed to look like?

 

Same, I fear the damage too. Then it's easy to get caught up in catastrophizing and self blame, which increases stress and symptoms.

 

Hey Eskimo, just for interest, have you done much charity work? As in hard, full on, stay on your feet, type stuff. Really good for the soul I can assure you and you’ll know what ‘living your life’ is about when you give a bit of it to others, cheers marls

 

Living a life without fear where you don’t wake up with that feeling of dread.

 

Tgirl, thanks for the update. If all of your tests came back normal, what do you believe is causing your symptoms? All my tests came back normal as well. I didn't believe it when people told me I was perfectly healthy because I felt so bad every minute of every day. But that is 100% understandable in the circumstances. Once I really understood that my symptoms were just stress, they began to diminish. They died away over a period of months, not hours. This was after I had full confidence that I would get better. If you aren't receiving that reassurance from being here and seeking only that information, you are prolonging your illness. I did that to myself. Please don't make that mistake. It will happen, so don't be dismayed.

 

Hillbilly, I ask myself that question (what do I think is causing them) all the time - maybe too often. I’m a ruminator. Even my doctor says I’ve been in and out of his office for years with symptoms that just ‘disappeared’. Draining for sure. I know that my CNS is always revved up, and probably has been since I was a kid. Also, self doubt, for me is a killer. One day I feel I am absolutely going to beat this mind/body #&@$, and the next day I’m planning my funeral. Lol.

Just a question, what do you mean about ‘seeking only that information’ ?

Thanks for explaining how you got better.

Hillbilly, I hope you are doing well!

 

Ah Eskimo,

Thanks for engaging. I was so drawn to this thread, I suppose, because you appear to be a skeptical sort. It reminded me of myself. If you have read even once my posts on the old forum, you're well aware that I attempted to mount Rocinante and joust all the TMS windmills on the internet. I yelled bullshit at every turn. I just wanted a straight answer and couldn't find it for all the fear of stepping on the theory and theoretician. I've kind of mellowed a bit since then. I'm 54 and well past the need to find any answers to nervous illness questions. You owe no one anything, so you are free to find your own way through this mess. And believe me when I tell you I understand. I'm afraid to say that as time goes by you are less likely to have the type of person show up in your life that I did who absolutely would not hear my whines and excuses. She only wanted to hear my reports of accomplishments. This is desperately needed in your case. Mom and Dad won't do it. Too much history. You need a calm, dispassionate voice. I hope you don't mind my frankness.

In your responses on this thread, it appears that you might simply be suffering from information overload. You are getting advice from too many people, have read too many books, seen too many doctors and therapists, and so you now have all these arrows pointing in disparate directions. That's sort of the nature of forums. How you found this place is proof enough for me that you are here among fellow TMSers, OCDers, anxiety disorder sufferers, or whatever label you'll accept. So, instead of going through all the components of theories and treatments you have tossed for inanity, ineffectiveness or just plain moonbattery, what do you think is the most plausible reason that a person's neck aches 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for 10 years? You might be one of the brightest people I have corresponded with, and yet it seems you have missed entirely the most fundamental, foundational, basic point: stress causes soft tissue tension and pain. It's listed as a primary symptom of GAD in the last DSM volume I consulted. Perhaps your analytical mind sees too many possibilities. Scan results negative for tumors, fractures, or other anomalies? You're weary of making excuses and trying to explain. So stop.

But why doesn't the pain go away? Easy answer. It is the sum of all the stress you've put on yourself to explain it, analyze it, glorify it, use it as an identity for a decade. It has its own zip code and gravitational pull. If stress causes your neck to get stiff, how does adding unrelenting stress BECAUSE your neck hurts make it go away? You seem singularly focused only on getting your pain to go away as if reading a book or attending a lecture has anything to do with it. This process is about identifying the absurd fears in your life that you use to erect limitations on your behavior and eradicating them. This is all you need to know. Your body is systemically affected by stress, so if you manage to calm your ruminations about your neck, don't be surprised if you notice your knee or elbow or something else hurts. Treat it mentally the same. It's all nonsense.

I see a few struggling people have grabbed ahold of your doubts and treatment failures and started a chorus of harumphs, which are in no way helpful to anyone. If you really, really want to get better, join Recovery, find an accountability partner, preferably a former patient who is willing to spend time listening to your situation and advising you. If anyone here is willing, that will do fine. But you can't dilute hopeful, inspiring thoughts with wallowing with the woeful. It won't work. Understanding one sentence will. Your symptoms are not dangerous. Have a great recovery and send me a message when it's over.

 

Only seek information that points you in the direction of living a normal, pain-and-other-symptom-free life. Eschew all others. There are many more malingerers out there and here than people who have found their way back to full living. I strongly advise corresponding only with cured or nearly cured people. Reading other people's woes can put you in a doubtful place. There is no other explanation for your symptoms but benign responses to stress. Be happy!

 

I whole heartedly agree that only corresponding with people who are healing or have healed is imperative. Unfortunately, while doing this I sometimes inadvertently come across people with devastating symptoms that send me down the rabbit hole. I have to be very careful of this. I’ll add one more thing, as it feels like it’s getting it off my chest. My symptoms first began during a flu, but went away twice for a couple of years each time. The neurologists don’t seem to find this important as they can’t find any damage, but it has always haunted me. I know I have to let this go because it is an area of fear for me. Thank you for responding Hillbilly. You’re a reassuring guy. Be well!

 

I second that recommendation. Do something for someone else. The man who has no shoes stops feeling sorry for himself when he meets a man who has no feet.

 

"Haunted" you? Do you mean buried a suspicion deep in your brain that your lungs are permanently damaged? So all of your visits to the doctor are related to your lungs? Do you see how absurd this is? Listen to your neurologist. There are people who love you who want you back.

 

Thanks again Hillbilly. It’s nerve endings on my legs and not my lungs, but I get your point. I really do. Letting go of my layers of fear and preoccupation with bodily sensations is paramount for me. As you can see, I haven’t truly done that yet.

 

Apologies. I've never heard of such from flu. Are you bothered by symptoms other than your legs? Before my back pain started, I had a numbness in my left leg near my hip that lasted a good while. I had so many symptoms it really is difficult to remember them all. I had a brain MRI only after I insisted. This was, I was certain, the beginning of MS. My sister has it. You wouldn't know by looking at her, but she's had it since college. And she's never turned into a hypochondriac over it. That one spot in the family was reserved for me.

 

I can relate to you. Prior to this nerve sensitivity I had light headedness for quite awhile. Honestly, I’ve been to neurologists throughout my life since I was in my twenties. I always thought I had MS. Nope, no MS. I’ve been tested to no end. One neurologist said they’d just about run out of tests and he told his secretary that I wasn’t coming back. My doctor feels I obsess about sensations. Like you I’ve had many odd symptoms that always went away. As my husband says I’m the healthiest sick person he’s ever met. I definitely have a ramped up nervous system, and I’d be lying if I said these symptoms don’t scare me.

Why do you think your leg, near your hip was numb?

 

At the time my leg went numb I suspected I was in the middle of a nervous collapse, but the symptoms made me suspicious of something else. I was wrong about that and every other symptom I let get my attention and stayed in a state of alarm. Sounds like you've been dealing with this for a very long time. I'm sorry to hear that. But as Claire Weekes stated, "You can recover regardless of how long you have suffered." I hope you find a way to let go of your symptoms and move past them.

 

Thanks Hillbilly (love the name by the way), and for some reason, recently I have felt a shift in how I feel and what I believe about getting a grip on this mind/body stuff. I do believe I will be fine, but I will be careful not to fall to these depths again in the future. Having to make some difficult life decisions probably isn’t helping me either. And as you mentioned, Claire Weekes said a person can recover no matter how long they’ve been dealing with this.
I appreciate all your input, and I can see you certainly understand how nerve wracking this can be.

Stay well Hillbilly.

 

Hi thanks a lot,

I have been busy living the past days but its been tough. Today i keep falling asleep with a headache i just cant stay awake and my pain is intense as well. I find this exhaustion the hardest part to deal with. I will try to follow your advice but today i am a bit depressed and have a hard time staying positive. It's so depressing to be exhausted all the time.

The thing is with the jogging advice, once i start to get panicy i cant really stop it and most of the time get a full blown panic attack where i cant help to stop thinking im having a heart attack or something. Don't know how to deal with that. Even if i keep telling myself ive had it many times and il be okay. It wont go away.

The hardest part for me is that ever since finding out about TMS like 3-4 years ago my symptoms got 2-3x worse which is a lot. Somewhere im scared it is because i learned about TMS making me ignore my symptoms and making them worse because i dont listen to my body. Because for me it all starts with computer activity and mobile and other repetetive actions. Also i cant carry heavy things anymore etc for too long. My exhaustion just seems to be because of my increased pain. I mean we create exhaustion when we are in pain to force us to rest right? and i guess u will make adrenaline to stay awake and that can cause anxiety?

I don't have this fear all the time, only when i cant follow the TMS route for a while because i couldnt take it anymore for a while. Then after a few weeks i get back to TMS approach until it gets too much to handle again and im back to being depressed and abandoning the TMS approach again.