Day 20 What I would change

If I could change one thing about my life, it would be addressing financial worries in my life, and giving myself a source of income. Not having a source of income has been a huge strain in my life for the past few years- I believe that I have been following God's will in being an actor, acting as a lead in an international feature film that shot in NYC, and even ended up in a Master's Ivy League program. But not having money has made me on many times food insecure, and stressed out, and wanted to give up my path which is currently in entertainment.

Not to say that entertainment is easy! It sucks, especially acting. If I knew how shitty it was going to be, I'd have done producing and writing instead, and been a 'sometimes' actor- not dedicated my entire college career to doing something that only 1% actually succeed it. Yes, I know that God is with me, and as far as his promises go, I could be that 1%- in fact I will be, but the level of Stress and Anxiety in walking that journey is too much to bear, because of not knowing When, but having certain needs Now. Money would seriously seriously seriously help. Not like "i want to be rich money". More like "I want to be able to afford going to the park and buying myself a pair of shoes if I want money,"

Things were starting to normalize in 2018 but because of being an immigrant, I could only get one year of a work permit to live in America, which made me have to leave and then force myself back into school. That was infuriating. I since left the program because I was being intensely bullied by my classmates (grown full adults- I think one had some kind of disorder though- the one that spurred it on), and I realized the program was not a strong program and did not give me what I needed. No shocker there that the TMS symptoms started around that time, a year ago and a few months.

With an income, I would leave the home I am in right now with my mum and sister, which is stressful twofold. Mum is unempathetic and i think has a personality disorder. When upset her conflict resolution style is unable to see the other person's perspective, and in general is like that, and I hate it. My sister struggles with illness that is specifically mental and though she is three years older than me, sometimes has the logic of a nine year old. I recently got over the fear of needing to take care of her when my mother passes, because she isn't that bad- just that she might end up living the rest of her life in this house, in her room, all day in her room, forever.

I'd love to move away from them, and even get a studio and live on a mattress. I'd also start to plan for solo trips. I love travel. I love spending time with myself period. I always find great things to do, like visit museums, go to the park, take myself to dinner, plan trips for myself. This was my life in London when I did a semester abroad for about four months and I loved it. But, I can't do any of those things now, because I don't have the money for it. So infuriating.

I can't take care of myself, because all the things i want to do involve some degree of financing. Even going to the park needs the ability to pay to get there. And yes I can look at the sky at home but that's still around my mother and sister. The feeling of trapped is the feeling I feel when I think about this. And profound sadness.

So I wish I could get a part time online gig; honestly even $50 a week could make a difference as I am in the third world. Something that didn't take too much time and I was able to focus on my artistic gifts without the stress of not ever having enough. I've considered starting a youtube channel but the growth from that in thinking 'when will that start earning money' is 2 years. That;s with a solid channel. I don't want 2 years. I want to take myself to the park, NOW. Buy myself a cup of tea in a cafe, NOW. Plan a trip to the next town, and look at the Lake, NOW.

I've been applying for the past few months but getting rejections. One good thing is that I did get a Voice Acting gig recently- that was nice. Although it is nice, and Thank you God, I need consistency. I don't like living off of a sum amount that dwindles down, goes back up, dwindles down, goes back up, etc etc. I'll keep doing more Voice gigs but as supplementary stuff. I need to find part time online work, leave this house, get my own place, start going on trips, and stop being so bloody damn stressed out.

And yes, I am technically okay now. Living with my mum, housing covered, food covered. But there is more to life than just living in a house and eating food. My family members stress me out- they don't mean to, and they love me, but they do. I need way more spaaaaaaaaacccceee. And that would be nice to get the space Now. Not in 2 years. Now. The only option of the other place to live is my grandparents house (both deceased) but my failure of an uncle (sorry uncle) still lives there, and his crazy wife (sorry aunt) with extreme anger issues lives there, and that's terrifying, so that's not an option. UGH!

So what am I going to do about my current predicament? Well, keep applying to jobs, maybe encourage myself in the process as I do so, keep doing voice acting gigs, and keep commanding prosperity to come my way.

 

This is awesome. In this whole post you didn't even mention a symptom... not once! This means you've totally absorbed and are putting into action 'the work'... This kind of awareness is what will save you from TMS....You know where the TMS was hidden?
Right here;

You see how even on an anonymous forum you need to apologize for calling your aunt and uncle names? THAT is the core of our problem. People with TMS aren't very good at being mad..... as Sarno said when contrasting us with type A's. Even in our angriest moments we have an awareness of being emotional/spiritual beings. ... which always makes us temper or bury our anger no matter how righteous or appropriate.

I don't know if we ever really change, but THAT awareness is what makes the crap go away.

you're jamming!

 

Yep! You were hardly even calling them names, and were just stating the facts! Abusive, unloving, unwell, hateful etc. relatives. They were bad to you so don't apologize for expressing how they made you feel.

@Baseball65 Also awareness of being emotional/spiritual beings can also make us better at dealing with emotions, including the choice to not repress. Repression is also because of fear, not because of being true to our nature.

 

Thanks Baseball65. Yesterday I watched this film about TMS called "Thismighthurt" with Dr. Schubiner https://www.thismighthurtfilm.com/ (This Might Hurt) and it was really powerful. They had a talk back afterwards that was great. One thing i picked up is that they do this exercise in his program that is about finding the person/entity you are mad at, envisioning yourself there again, and now talking back to them- empowering yourself, some kind of memory reprocessing therapy.

So in addition to my work, I decided to make a list of everyone who has ever made me feel fear/angry and decide to talk to them. Today I did my first 'session' which I decided should not last more than 20 minutes and needs to be followed with some kind of soothing meditation. I decided to pick my father, who, prior to sitting down, I thought I had a pleasant relationship with, even though he was an alcoholic, emotionall abandoned my sister and I, showed inconsistent affection, cheated on my mother, and then died when I was ten.

I imagined myself sitting with him playing draft (some version of chess but with bottletops and pretty straightforward) and talking to him, and at first I could not access any anger towards him. Then, I was livid. LIVID. I had no idea, and listen, it's been a few decades since he died, and I had no idea I had all that anger towards him. It was so much. I punched my leg accidentally, flipped the table of drafts (obviously in my imagination) and kept yelling , "You failed us,"

WHo knew?

Not me.

Also, I've been avoiding my triggers, which I learned yesterday. I get triggered into symptoms when walking, and have been afraid of running, and I want to start building small goals towards that. I've been working out but the time of work out I do is not triggering, it's hard, but not triggering. Dr. Schubiner specifically emphasized doing the things that trigger you, so today, I'm gonna go for my first walk.

Thanks for recognizing progress Baseball65. Still struggling with doubt and fear but definitely on a journey.

 

Thanks Balsa11. Yeah, I was doing that- they suck. And its okay to say that what they did was wrong and selfish, mean and just barbaric, honestly.

 

You know, I made up a similar exercise when I was getting better. I got totally pain free in about a month .... I sometimes forget that I felt rather silly doing this.Nobody told me to do it... I was just being 'creative'. I think it is called "The empty chair technique" in Gestalt therapy. Who knew?

I made a list of people I was angry with and had 'real' conversations with them. Particularly the ones I was really angry with at that moment. I know Sarno called these 'perceived emotions' BUT letting them out VIGOROUSLY and in private felt really good and cathartic. I might have got a prompt from 'talking to your head' and from watching the John Stossel story about Sarno.

I took a baseball bat and destroyed some throw away furniture and plywood whilst fantasizing I was beating the crap out of a gentleman who had just cheated me in a music deal. Multiple times. Each time , I got better. One of my friends who is in the military took me on a firing range and taught me how to use a few different guns while we shot up other discarded furniture....also helpful (his wife recovered from lifetime pain via Sarno too) Driving home from the firing range I noticed 95% of my pain was gone.

..and This:

It's interesting how similar we are. My father died when I was 5 and left me with my Mom who never wanted children. Raised by a series of nannies and then when I got older, the county of Los Angeles. I Talked to my Dad and chewed him out for being so selfish and killing himself and leaving me with that woman. I cried . It was all good and healing.

You know, I get a little frustrated with some of the pop psychology 'forgive yourself' stuff I hear. I never knew WTF that really meant. Then after doing THIS stuff, and feeling it leave by acting it out in the 3D real world, I could finally get some perspective on how these people I was angry at were so fucked up and lost themselves. I guess I was a little ashamed? AFTER chewing them out I felt a little remorse like "They couldn't have done any better... they were only doing what they could do".

So I prayed and forgave them. Then I realized that I too had been an asshole and created a lot of the same pain in other people.... I too needed some forgiving. AFTER the ranting and raving, I realized I was only doing the best I could with what I had available to me... and I no longer was angry at myself . Just embarrassed. So I could only be forgiven and move forward. THEN I understood what that meant.

But I had to go through the process. Intellectual understanding was not sufficient. Pen had to hit paper. Baseball bat had to hit plywood. Throat ripped raw. Emotions exhausted.

Then it all got quiet. I felt the forgiving presence of God. and my pain was gone.

Your right on time.

 

Wow. Releasing the anger that is stored in the body. It is actually cathartic.

Thanks for sharing your story. I felt that with someone in a school program who bullied me while i was studying and used class as a playground for his sick ego. I thought I was going to be so mad at them but then found myself actually shouting at the faculty for not protecting me and not making class a safe space. I was mad at him, yeah, but more mad at them. When shouting at my dad I imagined him say he was sorry. That was helpful.

I hope so! I keep telling myself I'm close to the finishing line, I'm close to the finishing line, don't give up.

 

Sometimes I just let my mind go blank and let the bad feelings pass through my mind without doing anything.

 

Ah, thanks

 

B

Baseball65, I have a question.

If after doing the whole yelling at the person, releasing it, etc, why do I still feel fear? I'm thinking of one person in particular who was making me feel intense spurts of fear right before my symptoms started. I was in an environment whereby I felt very unsupported and actually, close to hated, and this individual kept doing sort of things that felt threatening to me.

Anyway, now I know that at the time I was in HUGE amounts of RAGE and FEAR, and if I was to keep on surviving, had to find a way to cope with them or else someone who have seriously, seriously, gotten hurt. But after doing the technique, when I think of this individual, I still feel my breath shorten and my heart quicken. I still have the response of fear in my system.

Is releasing the rage of the time a cure to the fear? Or is it not? I am wondering why I still feel afraid of this person? Or is this just the primitive brain stuff of how we fear things that we know have harmed us and unlearning our fears isn't easy? What do you think? I've journalled about this extensively. Cried about it. Yelled at the person. But I don't know why I'm still afraid. Or can I just accept the fear response and say, you know what, this person triggers a feeling of fear in me. Why? Because their behaviour was threatening to my emotional and mental wellbeing when I was around them for like months. Is there any way to 'cure' that? Thoughts?

 

Maybe the brain doesn't want to associate with the toxic people or memories of the past, and wants something better, and wants to get back to living life. I think venting has to be balanced with things you enjoy. You can acknowledge the fear response as something temporary. This stuff doesn't happen in one go- it comes and goes, but it isn't permanent.

It's like being in a dangerous neighborhood. You might try a little exposure therapy, driving near a few times, but you probably don't want to overexpose yourself. Likewise, a little bit of daily TMS work is ok but don't spend hours and hours on it when you could be doing other things you enjoy or otherwise need to do.

Go out and have new adventures!

Tldr; it's ok to feel a little afraid or uncomfortable, this gut feeling can protect you when you need it, but you don't want stress constantly building up inside you, that's what exercise/journaling/talking it out, releasing it is for. Don't get too bogged down in it and go back to life once the session is over.

 

" Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul."

You might not like this answer. I am 55 and my opinion is from a different viewpoint.

I identified with the PROCESS, but I went through it over twenty years ago. I know it was effective because the feelings never ever came back, nor did the symptoms. I let go of that particular anger via the therapies mentioned. I don't know why it worked...only that it did.

I have learned that the world doesn't have any quality about it. It is essentially neither good or bad. It just is. Any quality I ascribe to it was generally based on my perspective and my ego and the people who stood in the way of manifesting it's plans and ambitions. No one CAN harm us. Only we can decide we have been harmed. There is an occasional very unconscious person we might run into who needs a "High Quality NO" as E.T. names it, but those are actually very few and far between.

I only mention this because I believe in past posts, you have mentioned being a disciple of Jesus. He made very clear distinctions between things of the world ("Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.) and things of the spirit. ("But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.…)

All of my interactions that involve fear or precipitate anger are invariably tied up in 'things of this world'.... My Batting average, My song catalog, my perception of my self as a Journeyman, My bank account, the Truck I want but can't afford..... Those are the things that feel threatened when I am 'afraid'. When I realize that those things are all tangible, have little value to anybody outside of my head, and that most people really don't give a shit because they are lost in THEIR heads, my fear dissipates and I realize that I am just passing through and none of them can harm me.

When I buy into the 'illusion' and start taking very temporary and fleeting things like myself, seriously, I begin to fear all sorts of things. There is a thing inside us that is indestructible and couldn't be broken with a particle accelerator. That thing, that core cannot be shaken by getting flipped off in traffic, someone trying to move in on a job I bid on, or someone plagiarizing a song I wrote.... What're they gonna do, Beat me up? Been there, done that...didn't even come close to dinging that thing inside

Bill Wilson wrote "we think fear ought to be classed with stealing.... it seems to cause more harm"

When I was 18 I didn't know WTF that meant. Now that I am an old man, it makes perfect sense.

I believe the prayer went "God, please set aside my fear and direct my attention toward what you would have me be"
After using that prayer in real life situations a few thousand times, it actually worked!!!

It also pointed out, as Jesus told us, that fearing those people is a waste of time.

hope that helps.

 

Hey baseball65. Yeah, it is insightful.

I plugged into the work of Bryon Katie this week because there's a certain story I've been saying over and over in two situations: one was 'he scared me/he bullied me' and the other is 'he ignored me'. In doing the work, a process Bryon Katie coined, the process involves analyzing the story that we create by asking questions like 'is it true' and being quiet enough to hear the still small voice that has contrary evidence. The final aspect of the five questions is flipping it to 'I scared myself/ I bullied myself or 'I bullied him' and 'I ignored myself/I ignored him'.

When a person does that it helps to create a fuller story, other than the one we have chosen. Your statements above about how fear is a preoccupation with the things of this world and an identification with them, and the idea that no one can harm us, inspired me to go and do 'the work' on two very painful events that happened to me in the last year and a half, that resulted in that story.

After doing so, I realized that indeed, my thoughts were scaring me. Yes, the situation was terrifying, but my thoughts were also terrifying me even more. So it is a fuller understanding to say 'I scared myself' as well, and 'I scared him' because that person was acting out of fear. In the other story 'He ignored me.' Yes. He did. But I also ignored my emotional needs and stayed in a situation that I did not have to stay in as long as I did. God always wants me well. He will always support my decisions that follow my wellness. So I didn't need to be afraid to leave - i was stuck in a situation getting medical treatment and was afraid I wouldn't get that particular tuype of treatment if I left- actually I knew I wouldn't. But then guess what, Jesus ended up healing me of that particular issue through a renewal process of my mind in regards to healing, so therefore I could have trusted and left. Now I know. And, I ignored him. That person did not want me in their space. But my frustration about their treatment clouded the fact that I was ignoring the fact that they were ignoring me for a reason, and I needed to respect what their ignoring was saying, and leave.

It also helped to do the yelling exercise at both of them.

Anyway, yes this makes sense. At this point of my TMS journey I am still battling with the OCD of TMS, as you called it months ago, the obsession, and then pulling back, and going back tot he symptoms, and pulling back. I;m yet to take the leap into running again, terrified about that. But the terror has gone down from a full blown tornado to a swirl in a pool. The symptoms are the same, but the fear is much less, and I'm so grateful for that, and working through the pulling back into myself and sort of realizing that the obsession is a weird battle in a way. The mind won't give up on looking at the symptoms easily/without a fight. Any thoughts about that?

 

A

Ah, I see. Thanks for that explanation. I was getting bogged down in the 'think psychologically at all times'. I somehow interpreted that as 'think depressing thoughts at all times so that TMS doesn't have to be the depressing thought for you,'

 

Our unconscious isn't only a manure pile. It does a lot of good things , like keep us stable, teach us how to hit a round ball with a round bat, read books, play music, write stories, etc....however, when we want to change something in there, that consistency it gives us is now a problem... now it's 'sticky' and 'slow'.

The strategy of misdirection worked for along time. Whenever TMS turns up symptoms, or obsessional/fear circular thoughts, it is always doing so because that used to work to keep you distracted. It used to keep me protected from a lot of stuff , but now I can't afford to keep it on the payroll
....so, the great question is always:

"What is going on inside me or in my life that I need a distraction/protection from?"

That one simple question is what I ask myself often.... the second any uncomfortable thing begins that even has a sniff of TMS/mindbody potential. Hell, I used it the other day after my corona shot. I woke up feeling sort of weak, but I didn't allow myself to even believe in THAT. I know, the way I was wired so long, that if I 'give in' to the excuse, it might get comfortable in there and move in for a few days.
I spent the whole day doing tough physical labor, crawling around on my hands and knees and lifting heavy overhead doors....but focusing on perceived financial concerns, problems with my GF, and a lot of other 'unsavory' stuff to let my mind know I am well up to dealing with any 'problems' ......which none of them really are, BUT so says every person with TMS who is stuck and not getting better (LOL)

New or exaggerated symptoms are always a sign of the TMS trying to stay 'effective' or something I haven't gotten to yet.

 

I guess it's basically making a habit of addressing uncomfortable things instead of avoiding them. Act quickly before things get shoved back into the subconscious. How intensely you work or how busy you are depends on what you actually need to get done, not what someone else does to deal with TMS.

 

Ah, I see. That makes sense, thank you. What you just said takes me back to that question- do I have to think depressing thoughts all day? If the focus is on the problems all day, you know? Thanks for that question. When I think of the things I would like to be distracted from, I can't imagine thinking about them all day. Isn't that depressing? Is that the only way?

 

What does this mean Balsa11?

 

That's a good question. For me the answer was YES, however, I wouldn't call it 'depressing'. That's what most people think and that is why our unconscious shy's away from authentic processing. Most of the people who do the 'peace love and woodstock' TMS treatment seem to be stuck in their symptoms longer. I have no documentation... it's just an impression I get from following the progress of new people. Sarno was REALLY clear about the necessity of turning our attention to a source of recurrent irritation.

It isn't 'depressing'. It's looking for the truth. To quote E.T., "I am Broke!" is emotional, depressing and useless. "I have 50 cents in my bank account." is the truth so therefore empowering. We're looking for truth, not feelings.....my feelings are part of if not most of the problem. If something is really in us and we are NOT thinking about it, we are fools whistling in the dark.

ALSO... this is a therapy. It is NOT something I have to do all of the time, but when I had pain beyond endurance I was willing to try anything. Like all therapies, I discarded it when the symptoms went away, however from time to time I have had to pick it up again at the sign of new TMS/mindbody stuff.

We have become really deluded in our present day and age. The majority of our ancestors lived in a much closer hand to mouth, on guard against invaders, bloody ,violent, short life. In our current western cushion of feel-goodism we have lost contact with that biological imperative of Eat/Breed/Fight. E.T. was asked why westerners have this propensity for getting lost in their minds, while people in the third world have no such luggage. He replied that when You might die any day, your children ripped out of your arms, your house hit by a mortar, you don't have the luxury of dwelling too far forward or backward. Every moment is now. I have found discovering that truth inside of ourselves is beautiful... we know it to be real AND it brings up wells of gratitude that we (for the time being) are not going through that.

The truth isn't depressing. It just is.

 

Like when you get symptoms, don't avoid what's causing them, address it. When going back to activities, focus on what actually needs to get done.