Day 20 What I would change

Ah, I see. I guess at this point of my journalling and processing, I can't imagine what I could still be repressing. I've processed and wept and yelled about almost everything there is that could be worth yelling about, and yes, I find that everyday I find something new but things are starting to calm down in my mind. I think for me, it's the preoccupation that's keeping it going- the constant worrying and struggling with pulling the attention away.

But a win today! I walked for the 3rd time? After about two months of doing HIIT training but walking was more scary for me and did 30 minutes. Yay! My legs burned and my toe hurts, but I AM GOING TO KEEP BELIEVING that this is a conditioned response. I'm just going to keep believing!

About the third world- I'd disagree. I'm from the third world; the great dark continent. In it right now. My sister has had TMS her whole life, my mum too, uncle, even my baby cousin who's 13. I think it's everywhere, the world is becoming in a sense a more stressful place to be for everyone I think but even if it is, it's everywhere- just not as documented.

How did you deal with the obsessing? And doubt? Especially in regards to conditioned responses?

 

Oh, I am not surprised... as 'westernism' becomes everywhere-ism, there's probably less distinction between 1st world/3rd world. What I was pointing out it, give a man a house, feed him and take away his fears and his self inflicted issues will multiply.... That doesn't exempt others, but having worked in the homes of rich and famous celebrities I can assure you that the price of genius and success is pain in the coin of alienation (stolen quote)

As far as obsessing goes, I had no internet, had no access to anybody who had done this work and was totally "on my own" with Sarno's text and my experience. When I had waves of doubt (which is PART of TMS) I would go and re-read the book. Which one explained my problem better?
Also, I was very fortunate. Right after I got pain free, I had horrible anger issues that now had no 'buffer'. I was going to get fired or arrested if I didn't get help for it. The Psych who I chose at random did his grad work on OCD at UCLA. After only a few sessions and me writing down some personal history for him to read, I found I HAD been textbook OCD, but the symptoms had gone away first when I did drugs, and later, were unnecessary because of my pain.

He taught me about 'stop' therapy. Later, when I occasionally got into the intrusive thought/circular reasoning, obsessive phase and became aware of it, I did that therapy and it works GREAT !

TMS and OCD are synonymous. TMS is just OCD of the body...checking, rechecking, misdirected concerns and HELL.

 

Can you expand on it? How does this stop therapy work?

Thanks.

 

STOP therapy is easy to explain.
Any of us who has had OCD is familiar with the 'circle'.... an intrusive thought that spins around and round in our head. It compels us to do some ritualistic action (called 'binding the anxiety') like washing our hands, checking door knobs, going back to make sure we locked stuff 3 times. Yet even after we have done what it is telling us to do, we still have a strong sense of unease....and the thought returns. Pretty Hellish. Ingratiating ourselves to people we have imaginarily offended... or worse, trying to intimidate them.... washing our hands 100 times....checking to make sure we parked just perfect and moving the car 4 times... you guys know the drill

Anybody with this at some time in their life begins to get a glimmer that all is not right. We notice other people not having the same issues and begin to feel 'crazy' and isolated.

When you become aware that you are caught in an episode, immediately say, out loud, "STOP!"
Now go to another activity. Something unrelated to what you were doing.
Do everything you can to change your scene and narrative. If it follows you there and you catch yourself drifting into the circle again(the intrusive thought) , say "STOP!" and go somewhere else. Do something else.
and so on and so on.
Sometimes it's a hassle.... sometimes (like at work) we can't move for one reason or another, but just like the TMS work , it is a war and any time you can muster the energy, do it. Fight it. You can and will break it! Sitting here playing guitar..(thought) STOP. Go to wash the dishes (it comes back ) STOP! Go outside to play with the dogs......STOP!

It was really wearying the first time I tried it. It was like trying to pull melted cheese....it kept following me in strings. But I stuck to it and it worked. Now , like TMS work, I can arrest an attack in minutes and hours.

PET scans were done on people at UCLA. a PET scan makes an MRI seem like a black and white polaroid.
The brains of people with OCD were found to be having an 'electrical storm; when only the 'lights should have been on'.
different control groups were treated differently. The ones on high doses off SSRI's and the ones who did STOP therapy were for the most part 'cured'. I was.

I went through many facets of OCD. First the washing when I was little, then the counting rituals, certain GOD was angry at me....later, it actually made me get into fist fights and I had a horribly violent period in my teens of fighting nearly every day. Someone would do something that I perceived as humiliating me. Rather than suffer the hours and days of reliving it, I just punched them. I wasn't Sarno's "tough guy"... I actually took a lot of beatings.... but that is just proof positive that mental torment is worse than physical. I'd rather get the shit kicked out of me than live in OCD circular HELL for even a day.

..and, Just like TMS, OCD is there to distract me from the realm of emotions. There is usually some elephant in the room I don't want to see. That means , anything i can do to get spiritually well,prayer, writing inventory, pausing to reflect (not obsess) will stop it . Just like TMS it is a phantom and when it is gone, you will rejoice. And it can get gone.

peace

 

Very good. I'm glad you got over this. Thanks!

I understand perfectly what you wrote. I have it (OCD) and I'll work on it. Yesterday I realized that first thing, I just have to get rid of this crazy OCD. Then probably the pain will go away.

Yeah...I guess some need more time (like decades!) to get the right ideas what to do. I presume God got sick of my OCD and made you write about it, then I read your message on this thread and so on...

Take care.

 

That's what I tend to do when someone, for one reason or another, upsets me - suffer hours and days of reliving it. I'd never before thought of it as being OCD, but I can see now that it is! A 'penny drop' moment - thanks @Baseball65.

 

This was so helpful, Baseball65. Thank you. Another member shared a youtube of someone who helps with OCD recovery. I've told so many people about my struggles with my thoughts being on radio, and I have heard about STOP therapy, but have never met someone who actually used it and it worked. Thanks so much. You've inspired me to yell STOP first thing in the a.m.

So like, I'm supposing when I make a mistake and I forgive myself but my brain keeps going it over and over and over and over, that is sort of OCDish? Not being able to stop intrusive thoughts? Whether it's pain or whatever?

OMGosh. I think you've just helped me discover something! https://psychcentral.com/lib/sensorimotor-obsessive-compulsive-disorder#1 (Body-Focused Obsessions: Sensorimotor Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) When I was in class 7- 7th grade, I was obsessed with my breathing pattern, convinced that I would die if i stopped being aware of every breath I had. Eventually it went away, but it was a horrific time. Then, though this was slightly psychotic, I had hallcuinations that lasted 8 months that were spurred on by a type of meditation I shouldn't have been doing, but anyway I believed that I was melting and had huge gaping holes all over my body and was disappearing. I'd compulsively check my body to make sure I was 'still there'. This is stage 5 by the way of the steps to enlightenment, so ummm no thanks i don't want to be enlightened any more. Hallucinations are apparently very common in that type of meditation and 10% of people who do it end up in psych wards and that people whose minds are not already, lets say fully balanced and more likely to succumb to strange reactions. Well! Glad no one told me before i started. :-/ And I've always been a worrier and have always struggled with thoughts that I keep explaining to people feel like a radio that won't shut off. I can't believe no one ever suggested I might have mild OCD.

 

What is the name of this type of meditation? Never heard about something like that in my life.

Take care.

 

When I was about 9 or 10 I used to steal a piece of silverware from the kitchen drawer, go into my bathroom and spend a half hour trying to poke my eyeball out with the blunt edge. You see, I was certain that my eyes were going to roll out of my head in my sleep ....so I NEEDED to control this and check and recheck to make sure they were securely fastened in their sockets.

I finally went to my mother in tears after I'd been doing it for months and months... I tried to explain to her that I was soooo tired and really needed to sleep but I couldn't until I'd done this again and again. She didn't even understand what I was telling her and I felt worse

It's obvious in retrospect. I wet the bed and got massive grief over it. My mother was actually getting ready to go out to a party when I told her...she was always going to parties, traveling the world and leaving us with baby sitters and oftentimes alone...right after my father had died. I needed to feel like I controlled something.

The doctor told me some people are 'born that way' and some people 'get that way' but once it's there and in place, there is little distinction. I don't ever remember NOT thinking that way so I guess I was born with it. For whatever that's worth.

STOP therapy works, because it is like , to quote the shrink, "Scratching the Record".... OCD is a mental skip on a record that keeps playing the same phrase. The continued conscious breaking of the cycle is like taking a 16 penny nail and intentionally gouging it....it stops skipping because it won't even play.