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Hi amarie,

It sounds like you are doing some good, intense exploration of your emotions and I just want to reinforce the importance of the process that you are in.

Journaling can be really useful for uncovering elusive feelings and for giving your emotions a context. That said, it is common to hit a proverbial wall when you have found all of this stuff but you don't know exactly what to do with it.

At this point, I would suggest working on trying to feel your feelings in a different way. First of all, make sure that when these feelings come up you are tending to your anxiety and distinguishing it as a mechanism that is separate and distinct from your actual emotions. Emotions usually don't feel as uncomfortable as anxiety. It is easy to mistake emotions and anxiety because they feed off of one another.

Focus on feeling your emotions in your body. For example, when you feel anger/rage towards your friends, what does it feel like physically and what is the sensation in your body? This helps you to just work on feeling the feeling rather than thinking about the feeling. Don't try to counteract your feelings because this invalidates them. You can focus on all of the positive stuff another time.

Practice breathing into those sensations and trying to make them grow, kind of like fanning a hot coal. Visualize what your anger/rage/sadness would look like and try not to judge it or evaluate it in any way. It doesn't have to make logical sense because it's an emotion.

You can go further in your visualization by imagining what your anger/sadness would do to make itself heard. This is just a way for you to validate and honor your emotions and is not based in any kind of reality.

If you are struggling with this at all, working with a therapist can be very helpful. Our defense mechanisms can be pretty persistent and they often happen automatically and unconsciously.

There are a number of other posts in this sub forum that provide suggestions for "feeling your feelings" so check those out as well.

Keep up the good work and be patient with yourself. This is hard work but it's worth it!

-Derek

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