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Welcome to 2020, TMSers.
I am doing the program again.
I have a short memory, prone to denial. The -ism in perfectionism stands for INCREDIBLY SHORT MEMORY.
Hence, while I knew the pain might be TMS, I was confused.
I have been feeling massive feelings and I thought that should be good enough to keep all pain at bay. I mean, I really know myself, my dreams, my rage, my perfectionism and shame, anger, depression, anxiety, PTSD... the list goes on, from varying times in my life.
This round began with being thrown off my young horse last June and suffering a moderate concussion, out cold for under a minute but definitely out. Sweet horse was spooked and simply bolted. I have forgiven him. At least, I think I have.
It's complicated. I sobbed for weeks on his back, in his corral, leaning against him just wailing as if all the grief in the world was channelling through me. Wasn't that enough to keep the pain at bay? Apparently not. My unconscious has its own agenda.
When I was thrown, I was still in grief from the terrible Woolsey Fire that burned my horses out of their long time pasture in Malibu. I loved it there. I grieved loss of place... a profound grief... and then, the trauma of the concussion, unlike any physical trauma I have ever had.
I wrote to the TMS-Wiki about it at the time, felt I was staying really close to myself through the processing of it. AND in August I hurt my shoulder doing too many fast pushups during an intense kettlebell workout. No POPPING NOISE announcing TMS. I just couldn't shake the hurt.
I knew enough to keep exercising, to do planks, kettlebells (moderate to light weight!!!), yoga, stretching, blah blah. I got back on my horse five weeks after the fall. I'm still very tentative but cantered yesterday for only the second time since June.
I thought I was giving myself space to heal, and I really thought I was awake to my feelings.
Apparently not.
My horse is like a sensor - he knows when I am covering up fear - so I feel very genuine working through the fear, the anger, the grief.
My unconscious seems to be even more enraged and afraid than I give her credit for. So, today, during my workout, I spoke to my unconscious and - shouted - NO PAIN, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG! Stop the physical therapy!! Don't get an MRI, you already had an x-ray!!
The wizard PT woman said to me, "Your shoulder needs a little love."
I think she's on to something. More lovingkindness!
I read something from Steve O... he was a little snarky about a man needing a divorce to cure his backpain. I am in a complex and rich relationship and there are times when I would love to run away and stop growing... I can experience a father-transference that is FIERCE! And I can own it.
I feel so terribly betrayed by my horse, by climate change and the fires. The fires in Australia have just broken my heart. I need to grieve fully, rage often and safely. Even EFT has helped, so I am cued up for a tapping session!
Coming at this from all angles, I am off to walk the dogs, putting a smile on my face, glad I checked in and said it all OUT LOUD.
No shame. I am simply perfect in all this imperfection.