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Karen, you have many of the checkmarks for TMS. The longer people ramble on the more it helps me pinpoint certain TMS causes. It's also good to let it all hang out.

This caught my eye <<I hate everything and can’t admit it out loud. I also lost my 2 life long best friends in the last 3 years and I can't even cry at there deaths. It's like I've stopped 'feeling'.>>
I remember a great lady from 10 years ago I met through TMS. She had been to, if I remember right, 2o some funerals when her pain began. Dr. Sopher sent her to grief counseling and she began to heal. When we are hurting, the brain shuts down all the emotions to prevent more emotion-less pain. We become robotic. I spent time writing about alexythemia because of this. pages 69-70. If we shut down one emotion it can ablate all emotions. And we know that TMS comes from repressed emotions.

One of the basic tenets of Ayurvedic healing is that people get sick and pained because they can't show their true faces. This is exactly what I see with TMS. Due to superego we can't show our deepest feelings, so they get buried in the body. But they won't go away. As Dr. Sarno said, "the brain will NOT be denied!" If your deeper self needs to complain, it will, whether your mouth is shut or not. The body keeps talking.

The TMS is expressing what you yourself cannot, due to emotions that are "too powerful, too threatening, or too sad." Those words came from Dr. Sarno. And from my own experience I realized my pain was my body talking where I couldn't, or didn't know how to express the deep resentment and frustration, leading to anger. I called it The Big Four Emotions: anger, resentment, sorrow and fear. Karen you have all 4 happening in you now.

TMS made me realize more about God, I hope you didn't let an organization divide you between truth and life. Organizations tend to corrupt truth because people and egos are involved. Where interest lies, honor dies. But having said that, I've worked with agnostics in the past and they healed too. You don't have to believe in truth to heal but it sure helps. In light there is no darkness.

You can intellectually stop feeling but you can't physically stop it. Your brain will lie to you but your body doesn't know how to lie. Dr. Sarno called it the divided mind but I see it is a battle between the head and the heart. The head is a liar, but the heart is pure. The heart only lives for today, in the moment, the head won't let go of the past. The head will lie and distort to get what it wants. The heart is ready each day to live, forgive, and be free. If the heart is hardened it's because the head has made it so. The heart is pure and loving, the head cynical and protective of the heart to prevent further emotional pain. They work together to divide the person. When the head is conflicted the heart pays the price. Follow your heart.

Dr. Sarno and Dr. Sopher told me that in their experience sciatica was always TMS. They hadn't seen everything, but they had seen a lot.

I personally believe you had the car wreck to get rid of some clients. Georg Groddeck felt the same way (not about you). He was one of the greatest healers of all time, Freud idolized his genius and stole the term id from Groddeck, but Freud later gave Groddeck credit in The Ego and the Id. Groddeck would ask his patients, "why did you feel the need to fall down the stairs to break your leg? Why did you need to see me?" He saw many he felt had hurt themselves for unconscious reasons, quite a few he felt for the painkillers.

What you can't admit out loud is now controlling your life. You have to begin the painful catharsis of admittance that you're not happy. Your heart and your head are at war, and the only peacemaker is the truth. Seek and ye shall find, and it shall set you free.

Find a good counselor if you have to. But begin letting your pain go. Your pain doesn't let go of you, you let go of it.

Steve