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Ok. Right now I haven't worked all month. Pretty Scary. It is an occupational hazard of being a tradesman. It is almost always slow around the Holidays.
I am aware of the fear. I don't try to whistle in the dark...I am careful with the money I have , I know this is coming every year so I stockpile $ for the times of dearth..I don't like it, but I don't really repress the anger/fear/frustration...it is too obviously disturbing to get buried.

Now..It's August. My phone is blowing up. I am turning away jobs I would BEG for in December becuase i am swamped with requests. I am making almost twice my regular $ rate. Everything is going my way. I am doing complicated art work with easy deadlines and a big budget for materials and supplies.
Ouch...why does that hurt? I have no problems? My rent is paid months in advance? My dogs healthy? I just bought a new guitar?there is food in the fridge? I am getting along with my Family and friends?

Now the 'little me' that I have met doing the TMS paperwork wants to get a word in now and then and I am ignoring him completely!
Sarno actually has a side by side column on this topic in the beginning of "Mindbody Prescription"
These he would call 'Adult' and 'Child'. I call it 'little me' and ' Big me'

Little me thinks that I don't know what I am doing on my job
Little Me, thinks I am overwhelmed and in over my head and is going to get 'outed' for being incompetent
Little me remembers getting kicked out of every school I ever went to , and boy this place reminds me of school
Little Me remembers every news article ....there are women on this job and I am terrified of being fired...so I don't talk to them..then I am afraid of being fired for being 'surly' and 'non communicative' and 'toxic'
Little Me is FURIOUS about his inability to understand the rules
Little Me wants to take this money and go drink and do drugs, but is sober and has been a long time
etc. ad nauseum

I didn't bother with this much until I got TMS. I was already in a 12 step group where I had to 'clean my side of the street' but Little me never got addressed and MOSES me (the third part of ID, EGO and SUPEREGO)
Is so certain that I am a 'GOOD GUY' tm, that I disregard 'little me's' existence completely.

I read MBP. I copy Sarno's list..... get a grainy picture of that little me, and the next time my pain that comes out of nowhere , I stop and say "hmm...which part of the little me that I am not feeling is kicking against the pricks right now? What would he do in this situation? What is he pissed about? Since it is repressed I am not gonna 'magically' get it...but with enough writing and ruminating I start to know his profile.

SO...When I am digging a foundation by hand for bottom wages, Little me is only a few feet down. He's dirty, angry and underpaid, covered in mud and no one cares what he says or does as long as the hole gets dug... There is no need to Push back against him.
But when things start going Big Me's way and it's clear sailing, that little bastard can start a lot of problems. He grew up in turmoil and it's almost like he doesn't like it when it gets too quiet.

Any time I have a relapse the first thing I do is get pissed because "I know all of this crap". Then when my anger cools down, I get out the book (Now Schubiners work book just for a new set of questions) and I start getting better. It's like being Born Again thousands of time in one life.

Sorry for the book, but it is subtle. The Good news is, I don't have to 'give in' to hedonism or become a perma-psych-patient....just spend some time alone with a pen and paper and the right stuff to jog my foggy head clear. This really is a gift. And it doesn't take up that much time.

peace