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Great question. Let’s briefly break down TMS to help us understand what’s going on here.

First, the whole point of TMS pain is to distract you. Your pain wants you to be preoccupied by it so that you’re not paying attention to what else is going on – emotionally.

Let me explain: I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve seen that have told me about their horrific pain and about how horrible their body has felt since January of 2011 (or whenever) and they tell me that there was no reason at that time for their pain to start, but it just so happens that in December of 2010 they got a divorce, their Dad died, they got evicted, etc. Instead of feeling the intense sadness (or anger) that comes with those situations, they then feel pain. Why do people do this, you ask?

Another great question.

As kids, how we feel our feelings is modeled to us by our parents (or another influential person in our lives at that time), and if they do not allow themselves to feel their feelings, and instead feel pain (or sleepiness, or self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, or have an eating disorder, etc.) then we learn that FEELINGS ARE BAD. Anger, sadness, and even happiness are terrible things, and must be avoided at all costs!

Now here’s where it gets just slightly more complicated.

Anxiety & Depression? Those are the same things as pain (we call them TMS equivalents). Well not quite exactly the same thing, but they serve the same purpose: distraction. It’s not a surprise that your son learned to unconsciously avoid his own feelings – you’ve been doing the same thing (hence why you had pain). I say that not to make you feel bad (it’s not your fault – you learned it from YOUR parents; blaming our parents for our problems is a favorite American pastime, so enjoy it), but to demonstrate exactly what I wrote above - we learn how to deal with feelings from our parents!

Anxiety and depression are not actually feelings at all, but instead a mask for your feelings. Think of those two things literally as masks for your feelings. And the more you avoid the feelings, the thicker the mask gets.

CBT can help break down through those masks for sure, but a lot of other things can as well. The important thing through this process is to have patience as your son goes through therapy – he won’t be rid of his anxiety and depression overnight.

Patience and an empathetic ear. Listen to him. Share your feelings with him and encourage him to do the same (which I know is hard with a 17-year-old, so again, patience is key). Ask him how he feels without any judgment of what he should/shouldn’t say (he may even be angry with YOU. That’s okay. Anger is not the end of the world). You want to be there for him no matter how he’s feeling, because feelings are what remind us we’re alive. Without feelings we’d be robots, and definitely not the fun kind of robots.

Stay confident. Your question here on the wiki is already demonstrative of your care for him. Make sure he knows and experiences that care. And remind yourself that you’re doing great as a Mom – it’s not an easy job.

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Any advice or information provided here does not and is not intended to be and should not be taken to constitute specific professional or psychological advice given to any group or individual. This general advice is provided with the guidance that any person who believes that they may be suffering from any medical, psychological, or mindbody condition should seek professional advice from a qualified, registered/licensed physician and/or psychotherapist who has the opportunity to meet with the patient, take a history, possibly examine the patient, review medical and/or mental health records, and provide specific advice and/or treatment based on their experience diagnosing and treating that condition or range of conditions. No general advice provided here should be taken to replace or in any way contradict advice provided by a qualified, registered/licensed physician and/or psychotherapist who has the opportunity to meet with the patient, take a history, possibly examine the patient, review medical and/or mental health records, and provide specific advice and/or treatment based on their experience diagnosing and treating that condition or range of conditions.

The general advice and information provided in this format is for informational purposes only and cannot serve as a way to screen for, identify, or diagnose depression, anxiety, or other psychological conditions. If you feel you may be suffering from any of these conditions please contact a licensed mental health practitioner for an in-person consultation.

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