Ajay

I have a long history of mysterious illnesses, going back to infancy. I was born with epilepsy but my parents preferred this not to be known or treated (due to stigma and general bad parenting.) I was in my late 20s when a psychiatrist finally sent me to a neurologist. The epilepsy, which made my youth a nightmare, was easily treatable with medication. But by this time I had developed a host of other ailments, as well as a belief that I was a weak and sickly person.

I read Dr. Sarno's books when my daughter was young and had awful back pain, and found them very helpful. Later I suffered severe shoulder and neck pain, and went back to the books - very helpful again.

I have a mix of physical issues and things I believe are TMS. Being told for many years that my blackouts and seizures were a result of being over-sensitive has caused me to have a very confused relationship with my body. I don't trust my own feelings and I don't trust doctors.

I suffered from severe tinnitus and accepted the doctor's diagnosis of stress, but shortly thereafter lost most of my hearing. I had pretty bad migraines, also told they were stress, but they disappeared with menopause. I had a little bump in my lip that my doctor said was nothing, but turned out to be squamous cell cancer (leaving me with quite a nasty scar.) As I said, I don't trust doctors.

Currently I am dealing with hip/leg pain (various diagnoses) and while I feel it's probably TMS, I do want to make sure it's not something physical and/or potentially serious. A handful of doctors have not confirmed this either way. I also have interstitial cystitis and think this may be a TMS issue.

I have a lot of anger and am a perfectionist. Other people get on my nerves a lot. I also really want to be a good person and often berate myself for not being nice enough, generous, loving, hardworking, engaged, creative and so on. What little hearing I have left is hypersensitive; the whole hearing thing causes me a tremendous amount of horribleness, particularly at work.

I am married to a good guy and have a lovely teenaged daughter. They are both very laid back and mellow to the point of laziness, often sloppy, never punctual - I love them dearly but often have to control my temper and subdue my real feelings around them.

I haven't read anyone else's profile; hope I don't sound too crazy.