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Anxiety over no apparent purpose in life.

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by TrustIt, Jun 13, 2020.

  1. TrustIt

    TrustIt Peer Supporter

    Hello Dearest All,
    My 10+ year search for an insane post nasal drip problem sent me on a journey of frustration and powerlessness beyond anything I had ever experienced. That led to awful digestive issues which lasted a few years until I read in Steve's book, The Great Pain Deception, that it too can be tms. As soon as I read about tension, I realized how much I was holding in my torso fighting against the stomach pain. In only two days that disappeared, and I started letting go of my fear of food, and began to eat like I want again. Digestion is 95% better. The post nasal drip is still there but is 75% better, now in a range that is easier to accept and float with. Working on it.

    Now for the strange part. Now that my body is getting back to its healthy state, I find I have absolutely no motivation to do anything... not one hobby or task interests me and THIS is when my anxiety kicks in. I feel ridiculous even admitting this. I really have no external anxiety producing issues. In other words, I am secure financially and have a wonderful loving relationship. A truly ideal situation in all regards. I have great friends and can see no reason whatsoever not to be enjoying life to its fullest. If I only knew what that is!

    At a point, I realized that it was my own ocd level of responsibility that was creating much of my anxiety. I just didn't want to do things I didn't want to do. I didn't want to talk to people I didn't want to talk to. I felt selfish and lazy and ungrateful and above all irresponsible which is a big no no for me (ummhmm you say)...thus guilt and shame.

    Now that these physical symptoms have tapered down to manageable and better, I'm guessing my mind needs something to be agitated about...the problem/solution machine needs something to resolve. As long as my body was feeling symptoms, I had excuses for saying no to life. Now that they are disappearing, what shall I do! Does anyone else feel pressure/anxiety from simply not finding purpose?
     
  2. Baseball65

    Baseball65 Beloved Grand Eagle

    This is AWESOME! You have gotten down to the core. This is the Ontological crux of the 'issue'. The alleged 'need' to have a purpose. Western culture instills this idea in us that we are always supposed to be 'doing something'.
    Eckhart Tolle quoted Native Americans on the incoming Northern Europeans "What do they want? They all look so angry all the time. We think they are crazy."

    Who said you have to want anything? do anything?
    Most people DREAM of being where you are at.

    I am in this EXACT same situation, sans the partner.... but I feel no burning need to even find one of those. I have a GF but I catch myself longing to be alone and throwing balls to my dog. (read the post on PLAY).

    I told myself that once I got caught up I would spend time working on my career as a songwriter. I have sold a few things here and there, been signed to a few deals, and even live in Nashville, heart of the songwriting world. But now that I have the time???? I want to play baseball.... I want to hang out with my dog.

    I love playing guitar and singing... But I have lost all drive to do it for others. It's just something I like doing by myself... zero push to 'succeed' whatever that is.

    However, when I am aware of how I am right now, I DO stop and thank God that I am here and can be here... totally at peace with the world and no longer kicking against the pricks. I pray. I try to always maintain and strengthen my relationship with God, since back when my life was turmoil, I only fantasized that it could be this fun and easy.

    I also feel duty bound to help others...people who are still struggling with TMS or other self-inflicted maladies. Maybe that's what You can do? Maybe that's the calling you were thinking you need? Maybe God gave us this lack of that 'fire' because we needed the space to show others it's possible to just live and NOT need to be this or that????

    I turn 55 this Summer. When I grow up, I might want to win a grammy, build a monstrous fortress, stockpile enough goods to feed and clothe a city.... Oh, wait. That was me trying to buck my mortality....it will all be dust in a hundred years

    Maybe I will sit here and and enjoy the gift
     
  3. TrustIt

    TrustIt Peer Supporter

    wow, baseball65...i, too, play guitar and am a songwriter! i am 72! i wanted to be a songwriter since i was 12 and got my first guitar. got shoved into "the world" as most of us do and here i am, successful in many ways, but i have missed the creativity and self-expression of music. most recently i decided to get beyond all my excuses for doing that NOW...e.g. "it's too late", "i'm too old", "what if my song is corny"...all those stop signs. so...i did it. it is for ME, not for anyone else. just have fun....PLAY! exactly! so, i had a wonderfully creative period where i wrote 5 songs. good songs, i might add. :) THEN, as suddenly as that started, it stopped. now i find i have to "make" myself pick up my guitar. my husband plays as well and encourages me often, as he enjoys playing together. i just don't know what happened. all of the enthusiasm just left me. i have had such an issue with my voice b/c of the post nasal stuff going on for so long, it is a definite drawback to my singing enjoyment. i just don't sound like i want to and like i know i can.

    right now i am spending a great deal of time in nature around our farm. i, too, express gratitude VERY often for the life i live. i absolutely realize many dream of this. that's why i feel so selfish and ungrateful complaining at all about anything.

    "Maybe God gave us this lack of that 'fire' because we needed the space to show others it's possible to just live and NOT need to be this or that????"
    you are so right about justing "being" an example and helping others heal on all levels. what a wonderful way to look at it. i do that to some extent as i have a number of friends who call me for support and encouragement and i offer it freely. but i am somehow left with this empty space, a lack of satisfaction in the simplicity i guess, since i have been so "busy" all my life.

    thank you for your reply! it is very helpful. life is a gift indeed!
     
    Northwood and Baseball65 like this.

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