Back from Spain

Attending to your own needs. So very valid & important. What actions do you need to take to make sure your needs are being met in normal life? How do you identify your emotional & physical needs? Maybe journal about those things.

Knowing that you can let go of your anxieties is indeed powerful. This can be learned till it becomes a habit.

What other things should you let go of in order to heal. Be honest with yourself. Be brutally honest.

Don’t judge yourself.

Just be true & authentic.

You don’t have to tell us. Write it all down, get it off your chest.

Good luck ❤️

 

My goodness. I'm just...realizing everything right now.
That I've been afraid to move my body for years (for example, I feel anxiety when something falls on the floor, because I'll have to pick it up).
That I restrict my eating in an unhealthy way.
That I'm afraid of noises and people moving around me.
That I believe I'm exceptionally weak/endangered. That some doctors have fed this belief in me.

That actually I am normal and can behave normally.

I had a great day yesterday and last night the symptom imperative hit hard in one of its favorite ways -- head-to-toe pain. Often in my life I have interpreted this as, "See? Unlike everybody else, you can't do normal things. You'll have unbearable pain the next day!" Today realizing that it is partly because I am taking my kids to a field day today and my TMS brain does NOT want me to do it, or to do what I did yesterday.

But...I walked 75 miles on the Camino. How could it be possible that I couldn't take my kids to a field day?

It's not possible. Someone who can walk 15 miles per day many days on end can do anything.

Same thing with walks lately...been walking 3-5 miles daily and have been in MORE pain than after 15 on the Camino. What BS.

 

I have still been on my vacation (leaving Friday) so I haven't been super active on the forum so I was wondering how you were doing and had to search for Spain in the search bar lol to find how you have been doing.

SO HAPPY your vision issues resolved while on vacation. It sucks about the symptom imperative and the return of symptoms when you got home. BUT GOOD NEWS - You should know now that it is totally and completely 100% TMS because if there was anything actually wrong with your vision or your swollen legs and feet it would not act this variably given obvious environmental changes.

Yay! I am excited for you even if you aren't excited for you!

 

Yes, and thanks so much! I've had the symptoms improve a lot after the first days at home...been hitting them with "this is just TMS bullshit" and other techniques. Every other day or so I get slammed, but then I recover more again.
How is your vacation going??

 

on the big drive back now... I survived! I will do an update when I get home. Learned many things on this trip. Will be super interesting to see if symptoms are better or worse at home and back to the routine

 

Looking forward to it!

 

What a beautiful culture! ❤️

 

Hi @dlane2530 Wow, this was so cool to read. You're making so much progress!! It's hard to deal with the smaller progress when difficult symptoms keep showing up. But, you're doing it, and sharing so clearly about what's going on. Getting in touch with that rage and those fears through therapy is such a great set of insights. Great work there.

I remember your post from a week-and-a-half before the trip. It was helpful for me to read that thread and then this one. Here's the link to the older one:
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/exhausted-exceptions-spain-on-saturday.29853/ (Exhausted. Exceptions. Spain on Saturday.)

 

Thank you so much for giving me this perspective, @Bonnard ! And for the encouragement. The past couple days have been hard, as the optician broke my glasses frames and so I'm having to get used to yet another new pair of glasses (I am SO sick of these anxious adjustments!).

And yesterday a friend of mine who has pancreatic cancer also went to the ER for possible sepsis...she is dying and will leave 3 children. I lost my mother when I was a kid so it brings up grief for myself as well as the grief I feel for them...

Hard to figure out, always, what to do when the pain really flares and the other symptoms. I allowed myself to feel the grief but it was scary because it came with a massive increase in symptoms.

Sometimes I worry that I'm gaslighting myself when I tell myself this is TMS. That I'm actually just avoiding going back and insisting the doctors keep working on it. That I'm not pursuing further eye corrections/exams/tests because I don't value myself enough to push.

It can be so hard.

So going back and reading these two posts...I'm reminded of how far I really have come and how well I really was in my vision and in reduced anxiety while on the trip. And until the past couple of days I was still really improved. So it is likely just a setback or -- well, maybe just the natural results of allowing my strong emotions of grief while my TMS is still active (and therefore will do all it can to keep me from allowing the emotions). Thank you.

 

I wouldn’t underestimate the stress this is putting on you. Big hug. ❤️

 

If the symptom flare is any indication, it is a whole lot of stress, for sure. And you know how much my mother's death is at the root of things for me! Thanks ❤️

I'm trying to prioritize what is most important for me to do to support her, and then give myself breaks in between. For example, earlier this week she asked me to help her write letters to her kids for after her death. I helped with this, of course, and it was very hard, of course. But then the next day when a mutual friend wanted all of us to get together again I said I needed to stay home that day and attend to my kids. Trying not to hand over my life to the needs of others, even when they are in great need -- but rather to help in the ways that I can best help without exhausting myself.

 

That sounds so incredibly difficult. Take care of yourself.