Day 20 Change

If I could change one thing about myself, I would stop hiding so much. This is a big one for me.

My default for as long as I can remember has been to not let people know what I feel and think. I've got so used to this behaviour it has carried over to many areas of my life. I couldn't trust people not to judge so I stopped saying what I really felt. That has made me very secretive and it's so normal that I have to step outside myself to realise how deep the habit goes. And no surprise, I feel safe and more free from pain when I hide from my triggers, which I've hidden from my family and friends.

I thought life would be better this way although it has only lead to repressed emotions. And with the secrecy has come shame and sadness.

I have started to show my real self, thanks to the SEP. The unlovable, weird and fractured self. I would never share anything like this previously online (or any where) and made a decision recently that the wall of secrecy has to stop. Slowly some of intensity is dissipating from talking about the parts of myself I'm ashamed of. Like Nicole Sachs says, holding the balloon under water has become too stressful and exhausting.

 

@Mando!
It is So great you are sharing yourself here and you feel safe enough to do it. It’s fantastic you are sticking with the SEP. That's hard to do. You are a great example for us!

I share all your same habits of hiding. it’s my default. And it makes me sad too, because I always isolate myself. I’ve been doing it since I was a small child. Always afraid of judgment or of not being heard. Better to just hide. But like you, I’ve been able to come out of my shell here on the forum. Sometimes I’m still afraid and I judge myself for posting my thoughts. But I always think—what if I can help somebody? YOU are valuable here! You are helping somebody (me!) thank you.

 

Thanks for the kind words @Diana-M. Small steps right! I'm not really sure where this journey will go and it kinda scares the hell out of me at the moment. But better to commit to something new like this and see where it leads. This SEP stuff feels right and it makes a huge difference having a community of like minded people. It helps me feel a little less weird!

 

You are not weird. Far from it. You are a hero. And a survivor.

 

This is wonderful and so inspiring to hear, @Mando! Be patient and kind with yourself.
I always try to remind myself that shame (like many of these negative states) can't survive the light!
Sending good thoughts your way as you continue on this journey.