Day 1 Day 1.5

Hi all! I've just joined the forum and this is my first post since discovering Dr Sarno and TMS a few days ago. I started the structured program yesterday so this is actually my Day 2, but I didn't get chance to post, hence calling it day 1.5!

My name is Ellen, I'm 35 and I live in the UK. I've been suffering with various chronic pains and I've lost track of the number of different health providers I've seen over the past few years. The last time I was able to live my life normally was nearly four years ago. Back then I was the most active I've ever been in my life - I strength trained multiple times a week, I did pole fitness, I was constantly out and about, I went to gigs multiple times a month and I loved going to festivals in the summer.

To cut a four year long story short - my pain first started in my knee, and then after about a year it moved into my lower back, and then after about another year it moved to my left shoulder/neck area where it has remained for almost 18 months. I can relate all of these things to a specific "event" that kicked off the initial pain, but after reading about TMS for the past few days I do truly believe that this is why those areas were chosen by the TMS - so I would be more easily fooled into thinking there was actually something wrong with me!

With my current shoulder issues for example, the pain started immediately after I'd spent two days moving house. I'd been lifting so much furniture and was totally drained, I put it down to overuse and too much lifting in a short period of time. But it never went away. I've seen multiple physios, an osteopath, tried massage, acupuncture and all sorts but nothing helped long term. I ended up getting an x-ray last summer which showed I have mild kyphosis (curved spine), so this is what they ended up diagnosing me with and gave me some very basic posture exercises to treat it. The physio even said that the kyphosis is unlikely to be new and they can't guarantee it's the cause of the pain. And I totally agree, because at it's worst the pain can get up to a 9/10... how could my posture be causing such absolute agony?? It's worth mentioning too that I'm also very hypermobile, so for a long time I blamed a lot of my pain on that.

I think as well that I've been indirectly contributing to the patterns that have set in by trying so hard to identify what makes the pain better and what makes it worse. I've basically spent the last year and half telling myself "walking causes pain, sitting in uncomfortable chairs causes pain, exerting any kind of energy causes pain" and "sitting on the sofa and lying down does not cause pain". So I've avoided doing so much and retreating to the sofa where I'm "safe" from the pain. It's kindof like a self fulfilling prophecy because this kind of thinking has basically made it true, just not for the reasons I thought.

Anyway I don't actually remember how I ended up coming across Dr Sarno and TMS... I think it was via a comment on Reddit. Someone mentioned how they read the book and they were cured from their chronic pain. I thought "well that's very unlikely", but I had completely lost all hope in any kind of medical treatment or improvement in my life, and the book was only £5 on WorldOfBooks so I bought it. I read the entire book on Sunday afternoon and my mind was absolutely blownnnnnnnnn. I cried about three times reading it. I know everyone says this but I was literally reading about myself. I wasn't even sceptical about what I was reading, everything made so much sense. There is nothing wrong with my shoulder!! It's all in my brain. I've had so many psychological issues my entire life that it doesn't surprise me at all that this is another one. On Sunday evening I was the happiest I'd been in so long because I was already starting to imagine a life where I wasn't confined to my sofa.... like maybe I would get to go to a festival again one day

I wanted to talk a bit about my experience of the last few days, because it's been absolutely wild considering I only learnt about TMS four days ago. I've gone all in with convincing myself there's nothing wrong with my shoulder, talking to the pain when it starts to flare up (basically telling it to piss off and that I know it's fake), and gone down a bit of a rabbit hole of success stories. I read that initially the pain can change and even get worse before it starts to get better, and oh my god that was definitely right. I noticed that I was able to hold the pain off for longer than usual. But then when it did flare up, it flared up quicker and a lot stronger than usual - kind of like the pain had managed to break through? I'm not sure if that makes sense. I also started to experience the pain while I was sat on the sofa!! Which is usually my safe space! I could feel the pain flaring up and down as I was sat reading the day 0 material a couple of days ago as well.

What's incredible though is that even though it was stronger and was happening in my usual safe spaces, I wasn't scared of it and worried it was going to get worse. I was amazed and so incredibly grateful for coming across this book, because there is literally nothing else that would have brought these changes on except my change in thinking over the past few days. At one point I was just sat here laughing while feeling the pain flare up and down cause it just seems mental!

I have no idea if this is relevant but I had a dream on Monday night that I was telling my dad about everything I've learnt about TMS. My dad has fibromyalgia. I never remember my dreams, but I woke up like "holy shit, my subconscious knows about TMS already!!"

As for my personality type, I've always been a very anxious, people-pleasing, taking responsibility for everything type person. I've tried especially hard over the past few years to overcome my anxieties and I'm generally quite good at self compassion these days, but there are still a lot of underlying things I probably need to overcome. I've also been through a hell of a lot of stressful life experiences over the last few years, often multiple at once. My attitude has always just been to get through it, don't think about it too much, just do what has to be done. So I feel like I am very susceptible to TMS.

It baffles me already that this has never even been hinted at to me by a medical professional. I would have saved so much time and money and distress if this was taken seriously. I saw a private osteopath for six months - this now feels like I was just going for a very painful and expensive lie down once a week!

Anyway, I'll be continuing with the program and continuing to read everyone's success stories for however long it takes! I cannot express how thankful I am that I came across this program and this forum - thank you so much to everyone who is involved with it. I already feel like my life is changing <3