Day 1 Day 1

Towards the end of May I was suffering from lower back pain. I've had on and off back pain almost my entire adult life and after a few days of like walking through it, or sleeping on a hard surface and Advil usually got me through it. However, when the pain did not subside, I went straight to my wife's orthopedist. Two years ago she had terrible pain in her neck that lasted about 3 months. She had been shuffled around from doctors and chiropractors to physical therapist. After 2 epidural injections the pain completely subsided, hasn't had pain since.

When I visited the Orthopedist, he followed exactly what Dr. Sarno dictates, an oral steroid, followed by an MRI. The oral steroid helped but after a long car ride, the next morning I noticed pain in my but and leg. Something I never felt before. The MRI results came back with bulged L4-L5 and a small herniation on L5-S1 and a epidural shot was recommended immediately. First shot, I felt great, pain almost totally subsided and I was encouraged to "reduce all activity" so not increase the tear. Few days later pain came back by the end of the second week I was in so much pain on an out of town work trip I could not get out of bed. I was really really frightened and thought I was going to have to call an ambulance. A day later I had my second Epidural and the pain minimized but was still present.

After the first week of the second shot, a colleague saw me limping and we began to chat. He is a former TMS sufferer. He told me about Sarno's book and I downloaded it on my iPad a few days later. Immediately I identified with his diagnosis. I have a perfectionist tendencies, easily angered, short and impatient with people, and constantly anxious about just about everything. After reading I thought, yup this is it, and in fact I've had this before without even knowing it except it came in different forms. I totally accept his diagnosis but I have this hindering feeling of doubt that if this doesn't work I'll just get surgery.

I've had a pretty comfortable life and most would consider any of the issues I had with my upbringing as "first world" problems but I've had my fair share of devastating experiences. When reading his books my other fear of this is that I have rehash all those issues. I have rage against my parents and the choices they made but I feel like there are so many incidents that like how will I which one it is. I was never abused or anything like that, they just made shitty selfish decisions.

I am determined to kick this thing and will do literally everything in my power to beat it. I refused the 3rd shot from my orthopedist, I rejected his recommendation to meet with a surgeon. I am by nature a very process and structured oriented person so I'm working through what my routine can be like. My biggest challenges are waking up in the morning. Mornings are the worst. I have to spend like 15 mins just sitting at the edge of bed convincing myself the pain is only a few minutes, it will end, and its harmless and just TMS. The pain drains me though and causes doubt.

If I didn't have TMS I would just spend an extra hour in bed with my wife and my always visiting two year old daughter sleeping at my feet.

 

Hang in there, Cenzo! Don't begrudge those 15 minutes to get going in the morning if that's what it takes. The more success you have in banishing the pain, the more you can take your life back.

As much as I understand the "if this doesn't work, I'll just get surgery" mindset, it's not helpful. Sarno emphasized that accepting the diagnosis 100% was critical to recovery. Continue to work the SEP. The various readings and success stories helped me to believe that recovery was possible.

Blessings on your journey.