Day 1

So as I write this I'm aware that my pain isn't anywhere close to most of you. But at its beginning it was pretty bad. I have read Healing Back Pain and combed through these forums. I'm still not convinced I have TMS. I want to believe SO ferociously! I recently had an MRI done the revealed several bulging disks, scoliosis, and stenosis putting pressure on a nerve. I am 29 years old and have had issues with my back since I was 17 when they discovered my first herniated disk. So I've believed for a long time that there is something wrong with my back. It's weak. It's very difficult for me to shift that mindset but I'm trying with everything in me. This current bout with pain began. 3 months ago right before thanksgiving holiday. My husband's family were all coming in to stay with us. Then my father in law calls my husband to drive 7 hours away to come hunt with him not caring how much I had to do to prepare for feeding and housing 8 people. So there I was alone. I was cooking, cleaning, trying to sand and stain our kitchen table last minute. And I was angry! I felt used and abandoned and just downright furious at the level of selfishness I was seeing. And midway into vacuuming and crying it happened. My back just gave up. Pain seared through me and I got very light headed and then... I couldn't walk. I layed in the bed a couple of days and then I slowly tried to do more. Mostly walking around Hunchback style. That was three months ago and I feel like I've healed significantly on my own. My husband and I have recently decided to foster babies and he kept telling me that we were going to wait until my back was better which caused me a lot of anxiety because I was thinking "what if I never get better? So I put my life on hold indefinitely?? What kind of life is that?" Not one I wanted to live that's for sure. I got really depressed. But I had seen my improvement thus far and still had hope. I had gone from not being able to walk to having some sciatic pain in my left hip to my foot. Sometimes I experience numbness when I'm standing and walking, sometimes I dont. Somedays I can walk a mile around my neighborhood, sometimes I can hardly make it through a grocery shopping trip. I have a strong will and determination to get better but I don't think that's enough. I suppose I'm just waiting for everything I'm reading and learning to sink in. Any advice is appreciated!

 

I feel as though I should add that I don't feel that my pain moves around. I think that's what is keeping me from being 100% convinced. It stays in my hip though the intensity fluctuates according to my activity. And the numbness in my foot also comes and goes depending. It's all very hard to swallow right now.

 

Hi, Resrie. TMS pain doesn't always move around. Mine stayed in my back.
You write about some relationship problems with your father-in-law, and other things, and that convinces
me your pain came on because of that stressful Thanksgiving holiday. No wonder you felt all alone and it
made you angry. I hate to suggest it, but between that (your husband going off hunting and leaving you with all the work)
and later your husband saying he wanted you both to foster babies, your husband sounds like he needs to consider you more
and about the babies, he should have talked to you about that first. He should not have expected you to be up for that
until you healed from your pain.

MRIs may have reported that you have some structural problems with your back, but to me the real cause of your pain
ae TMS from repressed emotions. You probably wanted to scream at your husband and step-father, but held it in.
You deserve to be angry. The best way to deal with your TMS symptoms is to work daily in the Structured Educational Program
and do the journaling to uncover your causes of anger, etc. It will free you so you become free of all pain.

Keep us posted about your progress. Above all, be confident you are going to be not only well again, but better than ever.

Can you possibly talk to your husband about what you wrote here? If he's a man and not a boy, he ought to see how you feel
and appreciate you more. Is he under emotional stress himself, from his work or other things? He sounds self-absorbed.

 

Thank you so much for your response! He can definitely be self absorbed and we have talked about it and i even told him that in that situation I felt like he abandoned me. It was definitely a conflict for him as well because his dad would have laid a guilt trip on him. In all honestly the whole family could use some TMS treatment if you ask me. I am lucky though because even in his faults he is very understanding and supportive. Just absent minded sometimes. And I should clarify about fostering. That is something I really want And initiated and was very excited for and he suggested we wait until I felt better. The idea of waiting on something so important to me is what gave me anxiety. When I told him I didn't want to wait he was on board. Thanks so much again for your support! I will definitely keep updating as I go. I did have a bit of a victory today! I have a brand new backpack that I had gotten in order to hike some of the 14ers here in CO but have been terrified to even put the thing on my back. But I strapped it on and went outside and walked 2.5 miles with it. I still experienced the pain but no numbness and I just tried to stay in my head the whole time. I'm hoping doing that a few more times will convince me there's nothing wrong with my back!