Day 10... coming to terms

I know that when the pain started last September it was a particularly stressful time in my life. I had finished my masters program and had to enter the field of my degree. A lot of expectations after spending most of my adult life in school. And I enjoyed school. No jobs were available for my actual experience level and I was forced to take the undesirable work that I cringe at the thought of. Interviewing was torturous, because I'm overly critical and hard on myself. And I felt that I did not deserve any job I actually wanted. I reluctantly took a job I felt I was highly over-qualified for and that did not pay nearly what I needed to cover my bills and student loans. During that same time I also obtained sole custody of my son. His father was busy with his incarceration, so I get no help or financial support. But back to the job search.

The pain started during the application and interview process. I'm not surprised. I worked at a job I detested, enduring the relentless pain everyday, until I couldn't do it anymore.

I quit that crappy job I hated.

Now I'm discovering anger I never realized I had, for people I didn't realize I was angry at. I'm imagining taking my rage out on them. And I want to feel the sadness. But I'm so used to locking it away. I locked it away after my mother died 6 years ago. The only person I was close to. Who really knew me. My father has always been emotionally distant... I hate my boyfriend's 7 year old daughter because they are close and he is overly nurturing. I feel like it's being rubbed in my face... because I feel parentless. Un-nurtured. Alone. The pain moves around my head like it's desperately trying to hold on to me somehow, like stinging tentacles on a sadichistic octopus that feeds on my misery. As I come to terms with how unkind I have been to myself and how angry I am, I fight back against this beast inside me that has held me captive for far too long. I am tired, but I am not giving up.

 

Hi Juno,

Thanks for sharing this, so deeply, from your heart. You are really attuning to yourself:

I am touched by your experience. I hope you are tender with yourself in these realizations. Each of us has been so touched by life, by life's suffering. To be able to feel this more completely, gently, knowing this is through no fault of our own, self-compassion may arise. I hope this is your experience.

In all this understanding, I hope you are able to put this together with Dr. Sarno's work, seeing "what does not want to be felt" and understanding your symptoms are coming as a defense mechanism.

Andy B

 

Hi, Juno. I agree with Andy that your post shows you are doing some deep thinking about the emotional causes of your pain. I suggest you read Steve Ozanich;s book, The Great Pain Deception, in which he tell how he healed from multiple pains by discovering they were caused by anger (rage) against a doctor who botched an operation that nearly killed his wife. Discovering what they're angry about has helped many people heal from their physical or emotional pain.

If your boyfriend's daughter is showing signs she will not accept you in a three-way relationship, consider leaving them and finding someone new. He's out there. Look for him at clubs, etc., or online dating.