Day 24.. Minor Re-Emergences & Perfectionism - could use a quick pep talk

Starting this out by saying - my original low back pain has diminished by 90% of what it was. But it's creeping back a bit.
There were days where I felt zero pain, or a whisper every once in a while through out the day. Now that it's creeping back, it's more of a general ache in the whole area, less sharp in that one specific point on the left. But that's how it all began the first time.

Throwing myself into physical activity has been the biggest difference in my life.
My TMS journey began with what I thought was a hip injury from a jiu jitsu class.
Since then - I have very much desired to re enter that sport.

Well - I finally have! I've been grappling at an MMA gym a few times a week. I LOVE it.
The only issue is - when I start to learn something new, I get a little obsessive.
As a result, now that I can do this activity again, I'm training obsessively. On days I don't go to the gym, I'm making sure I"m doing some form of strength training, eating the right protein rich diet, and all the things that will ensure I learn this sport quickly and efficiently. I wonder if it is the activity itself or the obsession with the activity that is causing re-emergence.

My back pain is creeping in. It's a little different this time though. More of a generalized ache. Not as much of a dagger on the same spot on the left side, but still originating from the same spot... Naturally, my brain makes the association between this new back pain and the wrestling that I'm doing.. Which involves getting twisted in all sorts of way, all kinds of weird hip twists and pivots, and weight bearing on the back. Like, I'm literally getting my ass handed to me every time I wrestle because I am a complete novice.

I don't want to quit martial arts. But I honestly am nervous that it could be making things worse.
I know you can point to where I am on a map - that "fear of activity" can create recurrences.
This sport is pretty much traditionally the most harmful sport on the joints in the body, so it is a big hurdle to overcome the fear that getting twisted into weird shapes and headlocks everyday isn't causing the re-emergence.

Whether it is the sport itself, or my obsession perfectionism with it creeping back in.. I'm hoping for some opinions on how to proceed.

 

Obsession and perfectionism creating anxiety and internal rage because you are once again self-judging and trying to measure up to some standard of perfect you have set for yourself.
Mindset.
Learning to do the things you love because you ENJOY them! Focusing on elements you love about your sport. Your note above once again discusses on movements being “weird” etc. They are NORMAL for your sport (and many sports). What do you love about martial arts?
Camaraderie? Being part of something? What really go you there in the first place.
My old coach is a cyclist, and has TMS -she healed her hip and back but occasionally sciatica shows up. One time it was during a fueling bike race, with days left to race. At the end of the day she had a relaxing massage where she could spend time self-reflecting on the fact she was focusing on winning. Besting her own time, worrying about keeping up with her team…but she signed up to be with her team, to enjoy the scenery, the hard work, feeling of moving her body.. she stretched (which she finds calming), went to bed and woke up determined to keep the mindset of being in the moment to enjoy the day.
She completed a chronic pain free race.
The only thing she changed was her mindset.

 

That's totally it!
I spent some time journaling a dialogue back and froth from parts of myself and exploring where I was making it about "winning" and gaining some sense of accomplishment.
I think the same applies for other stressors in my life - my back started aching last night while in the middle of a long painting shift. It's tough because it's easy to associate an aching back with standing on a ladder for hours - but I'm exploring the possibility that it's my own pressure on myself to make things beautiful/be succesful/be high performing that is the root cause

Thanks for weighing in!

The more I think "wrestling is hard on the body" the more those symptoms will show up.
Every time I leave practice with a little ache - maybe my neck, or my arm, or my hip or something .. From being twisted in weird ways. But they vanish, because I know immediately t hey aren't serious. It's just the low back pain that sticks around - and that's because I fear it!

Work in progress I'm also going to work on reframing how epic it is that I've come this far in 3 weeks and have gratitude for that! And also add that to my evidence list of reasons why this is totally psychological!