Day 5 & 6

Hello everybody, so today was my 6th day in the program and although it isn't over yet i wanted to share my experience today as well as yesterday that i didn't' get time to document.

Lets start with day 5 yesterday, well i went shopping with my Mother, sat in the car (at first i was sceptical, scratch that i was really bloomin anxious) and had a little pain when going over bumps and round roundabouts, but i think that the discomfort i was feeling was from my mind telling me that sitting in the car causes pain, but i was a happy bunny because i have avoided auto mobiles for about 3 months and back then i was shrieking with pain and gripping the seat with my white knuckled hands. After about an hour of browsing the shops i began to feel some pain then so much that i just really wasn't having fun, i made myself take a breath a think about what was bothering me and how i felt in that moment. I was angry that the pain had started, but i tried to think a little deeper than that, i came to the conclusion that i was mad at myself for not being able to do something that sooo many people do, traipsing around the shops with my Mum. So i told myself that i had done well today, i had sat in the car and bought some nice clothes that made me feel good and had spent some time with my Mum (which i have really been lacking the past 5 months). So instead of "giving up" and asking Mum to take use both home, i told her i was going to sit on a bench outside the shops and read for a bit...and i did, and although the pain never ceased, it diminished considerably and i was able to enjoy my book in the sunshine, then once my Mum had ticked all the items off her list, she came to find me and we went home. So yeah i didn't stay there walking around for hours, shopping till i drop if you will. i didn't "quit", and i talked through my stressors and just enjoyed the sunshine. Oh also that evening i was able to sit with my family and watch TV.

Day 6 (Today)
So if you are still reading, today is my 6th day, i took a rather long walk (about 3.5 - 4 miles) and although i took a few breaks and sat on benches i am rather proud of that accomplishment. It is hard though to feel good about something that TO ME (and i stress to me) is not such a huge deal, or didn't use to be. I'm an active person, always have been and for a long time the things that made me happy and made me feel like me were, swimming, hiking, running, dancing etc. and for so many months i have been deprived of that, as well as that, the things that i love(d) i know associate with pain. I have been trying to look at the glass half full though, it has given me more time to read, to expand my knowledge on things, given me a chance to watch a lot of films (and as a uni film student that is a good thing), i have had time to get back into sketching and developing my drawing skills, and i it has enabled me to see exercise as 100% a thing that i love, because since developing anorexia in 2012 i did lose touch with how exercise made me feel alive and how much i loved it and it become more about losing weight, being in control etc etc. However now i just really want to run because I LOVE to run.
So yes to the old me, a 4 mile walk would be a walk in the park, now if i multiplied that by 2 or was carrying a heavy backpack then maybe it would be a challenge, but to me right now i am so very happy.

So in conclusion, i definitely see an improvement. it hasn't of course just been the past 6 days as i read about TMS from Sarno about 3 weeks ago but the program is definitely helping so much with the daily questions to ponder and tasks to do etc. I have a lot of work to do on how i see myself and learning to love individuality and imperfection and learning to let go of the massively high standards i set for myself always. It has always confused me so much that i hold other people in such high regard and see everyone i love in my life as beautiful, but i cannot be kind to myself. But i think that finally realising that is a step in the right direction and even just realising that and admitting that i am treating myself kindly, for the first time in a loong time.

One last note, if anyone is looking for any more reading material, Feeling Good by David D. Burns, M.D., has been working very well for me. It isn't a book based around TMS but it has chapters on building self esteem, breaking through the procrastination barrier, forgetting perfectionism and embracing being average and so far i am loving it, it includes little tasks to help the above and has lots of success stories from patients of Dr Burns himself.

 

Hi Joey,
This is a wonderful report. I think it takes some work to love ourselves, and it is never perfect. Yet how far we can go in one bound, often by just having compassion for our habitual rejection of ourselves, as you hint at. Good journey...
Andy B