Day 8: frustration

I am no gonna lie, I am frustrated. Although on day 8 of the educational program, I have been spending a lot of time studying TMS for the past 6-8 weeks. Over this period, I have learned so much. I first came across Sarno a couple years ago -- but this time around I have never been more confident that I have TMS. But as I said, yes, frustrated a bit. My neck, upper back, shoulder pain, knee, ankle pain was horrible a couple months ago. Worse than ever. Then I dove into this TMS journey. I saw some improvement. Not enough where I am going to lift weight or run or hike or anything that I used to really enjoy participating in (20 years ago) - but the pain was less. So I decided to do 10 minutes of yoga last night and the night before. Very simple movements. A couple downward dogs. And hello pain. Now, I say -- I don't expect for the pain to go away in a few weeks. But to be honest, a part of me says, "well why the hell not? I read all of these stories where it has gone away for others in a matter of hours or days. Why not me?" What is really going on in my head? Well it is my biggest fear in doing this TMS stuff. The fear is not that I don't have TMS. I really believe that I have it. I even accept that I have it. But biggest fear is that I have TMS but I will not be one of the thousands who have seemingly recovered. I don't believe I can recover. This is hard to say. Because I tell myself all day that I can recover. I tell myself that I will recover. I have written down the dates that I will start running again and lifting weights again. But I must be honest with you. I must be honest with myself. I fear that I am a hopeless case. I can no longer avoid this fear. I can no longer lie to myself. I track my pain. It is migratory. Transitory. Fickle. It does multiple geographics all over my body on the daily. 20 years of this and I am just noticing how strange this damn pain is. And now, 100 times per day, I yell out, "This is f***ing TMS. How am I just discovering this!" How can I know with such perspicacity that I HAVE TMS, yet flat out disbelieve in a future recovery? Well there are many answers to this. Maybe it's as simple as: I have tried everything. Nothing has worked. Why would this work? Maybe because I am a devote agnostic. That is not only agnostic with religion. An extreme agnostic. A man without belief. To have no firm belief in anything. How can I believe I will heal?

 

Hi Chad_DVM,

Congratulations on working through Alan's program. I also recommend the Structured Education Program when Alan's program is done for you.

As you describe your experience, I see Inner Critic activity, self-pressuring, fear, anxiety and doubt. All these are natural in our personalities. I am not criticizing you!

It may be helpful to add some practices to work directly with these elements. Following your breath, or other breathing practices, like counting to four with each inbreath and outbreath can help with anxiety, and doubt. It is helpful to bring ourselves back to the experience in the moment, in our breath, our bodies. The mind is a run-away horse!

The truth is you don't know anything about the future, including your symptoms. Living in this uncertainty is actually more difficult than the fears and doubts, which act as a sort of familiar anchor. The pure uncertainty, which is "this moment" can be accessed with breath, yoga, mindfulness, or other ways. This is a direct way to work with anxiety: just being with yourself without knowing so much. If you can find this place on a regular basis, it will become a place which is more pleasant than the other mind-trips. Meantime, you can do your TMS work.

Andy B

 

I came across this gem in Healing Back Pain (though the entire book is pretty much a gem), and I think it might speak to you. I know it really resonates with me.

"Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn"
- Edna St. Vincent Millay

Let's be gentle with outselves and let the process take however long it takes. I am a crazy driven person who believes that if I don't beat myself up I'll end up on the couch all day miserable and worthless. This attitude does nothing to help me heal from my pain and in fact probably is the reason for the pain in the first place.

GOOD LUCK!!

 

Hi Chad, I have barely scratched the surface of learning about TMS. But to me, part of accepting you have TMS is also checking in with ourselves about whether we are feeling anxiety physically and emotionally about our symptoms. And calmly letting going of the anxiety about it. This includes not projecting worry in the future about it. For some, it may be a more gradual process of learning how to do that. This has been a huge help to me to do this. We're all different and maybe some find it helpful to yell at their TMS. I just wonder if you're yelling at it and then expecting the symptom to immediately disappear? It seems like doing it 100 times a day may be keeping you too focused on the symptom going away. But that's just me. The other thing that has helped my symptoms a lot is to work on ignoring the symptom. You don't have to believe you have TMS or not in order to do that. It's just part of training your brain. I also try to not focus on the particular part of my body the symptom is coming from. And to be aware of if I'm tightening up that part of my body. Or if I'm having a sense of avoiding hurting that part of my body. Like being extra avoidant of hitting it against something-like a wall or something. This may go against what other people say works. But it really works for me. Hang in there. And have compassion for yourself!