Day 8 - treatment up until this point

Hi. I've been doing the exercises as indicated, and I have actually enjoyed (re) learning this all. At times I feel very motivated and secure in my TMS diagnosis, but my symptoms vary so much day to day that on a day like today I have the old thoughts that never go away coming back: maybe it's been cancer? Today is one of those days... I have felt pretty bad since I woke up. My symptoms are so hard to describe... does having a general feeling of malaise in the head, and/or lightneadness, and/or difficulty concentrating and thinking, and/or tiredness/sleepiness *really* fit in with the symptoms that others describe in this forums??? Even as I'm typing this, I know that there is no *reason* for me to think that I have cancer... but it does inevitably come up. The years that I was working as a RN administering chemotherapy to cancer patients were extremely stressful, and that is when I became to get really sick, due to all of the work-related and non-work related stress in my life. Even after I quit my RN job right BEFORE the pandemic started, there was already a seed planted in my head that in several years time I would develop cancer... it was a doom obsession-fear that I've had for years, as you can see.

Since then, I have not been so obsessed with this idea, but when I get symptoms, my brain inevitably regresses to that place... it sucks.

I'm going to stick through this therapy though, and I'm hopeful that my symptoms are purely stress and/or psychological in origen, because a year and a half ago when I first started learning about all of this mind-body stuff and started to accept it (half out of desperation , admittingly), my symptoms, which at the time were truly 10/10, really did diminish in intensity and frequency!

It's only been the past month and a half or so that my symptoms have once again reached the point that I've come back to TMSwiki.org.

One thing that I'm currently grappling with a bit is the urge to go back to the doctors and get checked again! A year and a half ago I did do the rounds with a ton of docs, and all the blood tests were negative, the MRI of the brain was negative, the sleep apnea tests were negative, the infectous disease tests were negative... and I even went to an oncologist who told me that I had nothign to worry about! That was definitely enough! But now I have thoughts like "Given all of these neurological symptoms... it's been a year and half.... maybe it would be wise to do that imaging again".

It's hard to say whether that's a sensible thing to do, though. I'm definitely getting my blood tests checked when I go with my PCP for my anual, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to repeat a MRI of the brain, which would mean more contrast being injected into me, or a CT of the brain, which would be exposing myself to radiation....

Blah

 

This 100% fits the description of many of us with TMS symptoms. People may simply describe their sensations and symptoms differently than you, but this is one of the most common sets of symptoms people have - often in tandem with pain or other symptoms.
I believe the "malaise" is simply a physical sensation of anxiety that "there is something wrong". Remind yourself that Dr. Sarno says there is nothing worry about. If you have been checked out by a Dr. and all is clear, then your symptoms are benign.
It is of course a wise thing to do, to get blood checked when you go for your annual exam.
Why would you not believe an oncologist? You spent years as a professional RN and asked your clients to trust you. You fully understand that trust between yourself and others.

Now, slow down.
This work does not guarantee you are going to feel 100% every day. And for many of us, the OCD like repetitions of thoughts which Dr. Hanscom has termed as RUTS when they are "unpleasant" (which I term as those we judge as unwanted, or as negative) can come and go. You most likely have them in many areas of your life, but you are able to discern between the reality of the other thoughts - your brain is just stuck and perseverating on these as a distraction.
Take a deep breath and sigh it out. Remind yourself, today is just today. It won't be forever and perhaps today is a hard day. It's OK to have hard days, that's life. Life is not a smooth road, it's not a happy go lucky road. Those of us with TMS often find it difficult to tolerate the bumps in the road - and that is exactly what this TMS work is helping us to do. To learn to tolerate the bumps and find ways to de-stress and not let it build up within us.
Just let it be.
Check your anxiety level. Perhaps journal about today, and how you feel and see if there is any undiscovered stress in your life the last few days. Recently I discovered that much of my distress symptoms were a reaction to the responsibility of having to take care of my own TMS. It's not your fault it is present in your life, but it is your responsibility to deal with it, so that you can be present for those you love and to experience a full and joyful life. You might want to touch on that too, while journaling. Your mind is still in search and fix mode, looking to outside sources for your internal pain and suffering, and hoping that someone else can solve the root cause. That's a bit of a self-victimizing mindset and steals away the power you are gaining by doing the TMS work. You have to tell yourself that YOU are in control. Symptoms can be present but they can't control you. When you think about Cancer etc or the doom and gloom, let the thought float by. It is nothing but a thought and at this time is not a truth. Redirect your attention to something more engaging.
Know that this can absolutely get better for you.
Claire Weekes has wonderful advice for people who have this feeling of malaise (although worded differently), I really enjoy Hope and Help for Your Nerves but all of her books have bits of gold.

Keep up your good work, this too will pass.

 

Thank you so much for your response, Cactusflower. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it! I didn't have time to respond previously because I was at work, but reading your message motivated me to get through the day!

The first thing that you wrote is that "... but this is one of the most common sets of symtpoms people have". Can you please elaborate what you meant by this? Are the neurological symptoms, feelings of being ill or illness in the head (what I called "mailaise") that common? If so, I had no idea!

I will look into Dr. Hanscom... I haven't heard that name before.

Regarding my anxiety level, today I don't think there was any special reason for me to be more anxious than yesterday, where I felt much better, but the last several days or even weeks weeks could have contributed to my feelings today... that's something that I have to be more conscious about..

I will follow you very wise suggestions. I thank you so much for writing me such a tailored response.

I also plan to look into Claire Weekes and her Hope and Help for Your Nerves book.

Thank you and good night!