Day 11 Discoveries

What I've been learning the past several days is that I'm not afraid of revisiting the traumatic events of my past, and actually I can remember all of them with precise detail. I don't think there are any memories that have been repressed. I was never sexually abused or anything like that. From my journaling I'm discovering that the root of my issues come from how I was pushed so hard to excel in sports from my father. Although I was an exceptional athlete, I always played with fear and no confidence because I knew that if I had a bad game I was probably going to get my ass kicked when I got back home. This made me a nervous wreck as a kid, and even resulted in my childhood TMS symptoms (stomach pains, feeling like I couldn't breath, feeling like something was constantly lodged in my throat). Even with the physical abuse I know my dad loved me, and we still have a relationship today, but damn did that guy screw me up. I live halfway around the world but I still always feel something in my core telling me I'm not good enough. This may be why my back pain often feels like someone is sitting on my shoulders. It's like my dad is literally on my back! Mind blowing to me...

As for my physical progress, I'm having the hardest time with the fear of bending over. I am moving around faster, but I'm struggling to find the courage to bend over to tie my shoe. I feel like a spasm would be devastating for my morale at this time and so I'm trying to be more active but there is still fear holding me back that I need to push through.

 

Phizzy, I take it that you are the guy in the photo.

I'm glad you are able to think or journal about your childhood and the stress your father
gave you by wanting you to be the best in sports. Fathers usually do that because they
didn't achieve the sports success they tried for. My father didn't do that to me, but he
always belittled me in front of his male friends. I never knew why, but suspect that it left me
with feelings of inferiority and a drive to excel. I was never good at competitive sports
but channeled my drive into writing, for school newspapers and then getting a journalism
degree. I became a Chicago Tribune reporter and writer, then a magazine editor and have been
a freelance writer of books for the past 40 years.

My brother put a lot of pressure on his son to be a Notre Dame football player, which was his own dream.
His son was not up to that so my brother pushed him to be a college basketball player. His son was
only mediocre at basketball and nearly ruined his knees falling.

The more you forgive your father for pushing you so hard, the more it will help you.

I'm 84 and lucky I can bend over because someone has to pick up my darling dog's poop.
I bend with no pain.

Steve Ozanish writes in The Great Pain Deception that we need to be active and go ahead
in sports regardless of any pain. It helped him to heal of his many pains.

When you bend over, inhale a deep breath through your nose, hold it a few seconds,
then as you bend to tie your shoes or pick up something, exhale through your mouth.
As you do this, tell yourself you feel fine and it is not hurting you or making things worse.

 

I hope to post a new thread today on deep breathing, in the General Discussoin Subforum.

 

Thanks for the reply, Walt. I do need to forgive my dad, and lately I feel compelled to broach the subject with him personally (well, through email at least) rather than leaving it all in the journal. Perhaps my forgiving him will not only help me heal but also help him heal as well.

I am increasing my bending movements more and more each day. I do it slowly to be safe but go further down each time to increase confidence in my ability.

I look forward to reading your post on deep breathing.

 

Have you digged out his TMS history - its intra generational!

Have talked a lot with my dad on his life and parents has helped me understand him better. At least the adult part, the child part is still ANGRY!!!

But understanding that its not personal will help you with all your relationships!

My goal is to create an emotionally healthy family to gain the support and nurturance a human being needs!