Full body flush?

Walt, You and your Annie are adorable. What a lap dog! Love your story and had to go to Amazon and buy a couple of your books. Annie is a lucky girl. You obviously take excellent care of your labs. 16.5 years is is a long life for a lab. God bless you!

 

SteveO! I feel 10 feet tall and bullet proof! Thank you so very much for taking the time to help me. Tennis Tom is a good guy.

How do we know when we are enraged if we don't feel it? I was at a family gathering when my son asked me if I had checked the organ donor box on my drivers license. I told him that was a bit morbid for a fun gathering but he insisted. Before we left he asked everyone to be an organ donor. The next time I saw my precious son was in the hospital. His car flipped on a rainy Sunday morning on a rural road in Alabama. If the old farmer on a tractor that found him would have known cpr he would still be with us. I got to spend 36 hours with my Will before the donor team came for him. How could I not see God's hand in this. The only mark on him was a small cut on his cheek. He looked beautiful. As I stood over him those last hours my back pain that had been so terrible melted away. I made it through the funeral with no pain. The next morning the pain was back. I never felt angry over losing my Will just felt the pain of devastating grief. I had to be strong for my family and I was. No one could believe I wasn't angry and had such peace. I know where he is. Could I be enraged and not know it? What happened to your wife was so tragic. I can't see how you wouldn't feel rage. I'm so sorry.

You've described flushing in a way that it doesn't sound so scary. Sounds like tms. I can certainly do the things you've suggested. I feel empowered. Feels good! I'm enjoying reading your book. What a great read. Love your sense of humor. I'm learning so much.

I have work to do. I'm not sure what my doctors have planned for me but I am working this as tms. When they release me I'll be ahead of the game.

Thanks again for helping me. I'm going to go read your book now. See you there, Vicki

 

SteveO, reading back over my reply I realized it looks like I'm asking you to respond to my question about hidden rage. I'm not looking for you to answer that question. I have your book. That's what happens when you respond to something in a room full of people asking you questions. The good people here at wiki are wonderful help and I'm good. Thanks, Vicki

 

Tennis Tom - Love the "volume control" comment. That's really good.

Steve - Once again, I'm reading and re-reading your comments. And speaking of somaticizing, my face/ears are bright red. It started over lunch was I talked about a person who did a real dirt bag thing recently. (I referred to it with a smile, btw.) I also realize, I can be very grateful for this obvious barometer. If I had paid attention to this, I would have shut down a particular friendship a looooooong time ago and save myself a lot of grief. People pleasing is such exhausting work!

Finally, Vicki…wow. I really can't get my mind/heart around the tragedy with your boy. Not on the level with losing a child, I have gone through some very painful and destructive things and bore all with "strength". (Strength is another spelling for denial in my world.)

My mom once told me that there were weak family members and strong ones. (Alcoholic family of 9, btw) Because I was one of the strong ones, it was up to me to bear the burdens of the weak. GAH!!!! (Sensitive readers, quit reading now. ) How f'ed up is that?

So at the tender age of 12 or so, childhood was over for me. I had responsibilities to bear. It never occurred to me to be angry…I assumed a care taking role of my mom. Everyone else was breaking her heart so I had to be the white sheep in the family.

Learning to connect with (and subsequently safely discharge) my deep rage is a new thing to me. I don't want to go there but I know it's part of the healing journey.

 

North Star we have much in common. I could post a sign at my family reunion 'Alcoholics R' Us'. That was one area of my life where after 50 years not only did I get angry but I let go. Like you I was the one who took care of mama. Not because she was the alcoholic but because of the violence . She made me her protector. It wasn't until I was around 12 after a particularly violent night that I realized if my 4'11 mama wouldn't attack my 6' daddy when he walked through the door he would just go to bed. Resentment set in. But I couldn't say anything because she was mama. I became caretaker of my siblings as well. When I was 50 (I'm 62 now) she was telling me I was not doing enough for the family. I do more than enough. They don't work. Lol. I got angry and I told her about that sad little girl and how angry it makes me and that I help everyone all that I can without question and it's never enough. I was tired of her putting the world on my shoulders and I wasn't having it anymore. I can't be responsible for everyone. She didn't take it well but got over it quickly. And I went back and forth for a while about did I do the right thing. Well I did. And I was better for it and our relationship not only survived but in time got better. Letting go is a beautiful thing. You find peace. I pray you can find that peace too.

 

Thank you Jan. You have a sweet heart. After I read what I had posted I realized I did not use the word forgive once. It kind of threw me but I had something to do and let it go. After reading your post I realized I have forgiven my folks for so many things. Some detestable. Secret things that would be unforgivable without the help of God. I have forgiven and let go of so much. Because of that forgiveness I am free to love them and care for them now that they are frail.

I didn't use the word forgive. I let her have it. Told her how it was and how it's going to be. Things are better and I feel better. Got it off my chest but I'm not so sure I forgave her. When I think of the things she did like getting my husband to have my tubes tied immediately after the birth of my son at 20 years old without my consent, to keep me from having the big family I wanted and she payed for it...that I truly forgave her for I don't get angry. Sad but not angry. I'm thinking I have peace because I won. I won big time. Winning is not forgiving. I believe we must forgive and when it's too hard God gives me His heart to forgive. I'm going to forgive my mama. Thank you for your wise words. I still have work to do.

 

I think forgiveness is "letting it go". In my opinion, forgiveness is a willingness to let go of the past and approach the person in the present with a clean slate.