Day 1 Hopeful

Hi there. I've been reading up on TMS for awhile now and fully believe in it - i've had 2 several month long episodes happen in the past few years and once I had a clean "scan" I was able to talk my issues into going away. I saw a TMS doc a few weeks ago who said i fit the criteria, but for some reason I still can't fully believe it for myself just yet this time around. I've been in pain for almost a year now - started with lower back ache and abdominal cramps but lots add'l aches and pains and movement all over my body - now i have pain under my lower ribs, weird shoulder pain when i take a deep breath and a weird spacy headache feeling over the past few weeks. I've had extensive bloodwork, lumbar spine mri, various ultrasounds and a ct scan - all with nothing really conclusive. Still i can't let it go. Every time I let myself try to not focus and tell myself its due to anxiety and stress, I"m good for a day or two and then my pain is there and I get that fear back. My biggest fear is that there is something really horribly wrong with me and that the doctors are missing it and one day it'll be too late and it'll be so far gone that there will be nothing to do to save me. Sounds insane when I say it out loud, and i hate that my brain can't stop the madness.
I signed up for a yoga program for the month, am getting back into therapy and I started this program last night and I'm really trying today. What I'm just trying to focus on today is breathing. One thing I really noticed when I started to pay attention is that I don't breathe properly. When I focus on my breathing, and take slow deep breaths, I feel like I can't breathe - so that's really showing me that i just take shallow breaths all day long and may be contributing to my anxiety levels.
I'm really hoping this program is the start to my healing! I'm looking forward to working through the 30 days.

 

I'm pretty new to this but I'll try to help. You wrote that you can't let it go and keep telling yourself that it's due to anxiety and stress. It goes away but in a few days it comes back.
For sure anxiety and stress is part of it and chronic pain is scary and very stressful but we have to think about what repressed emotions we have that are creating the chronic pain in the first place. It's like we have anxiety because of the pain but why do we have the pain in the first place? If you talk your pain away by telling yourself it is only because of anxiety you are not getting to the root emotion of what you are repressing.
In regards to letting go it sounds like you do that but then it comes back. Do you tell yourself "it's nothing, it's just just oxygen being deprived, it's my brain trying to protect me from the emotions?" Then, do you try to go about your day as if it were normal? I've had to do that and it's really hard. I'm not there yet but I can kind of see what they're saying.

 

The fear is the worst! I'm more afraid of fear than of pain, to be honest. I think that physical pain by itself can almost disappear (or we "forget" about it) when we feel happy and at peace and empowered and hopeful -- even if we're lying on a bed not being able to do much. But once that fear creeps in, the pain (no matter how small or big) becomes unbearable and awful. How scary is it to think that there's something REALLY wrong with you and everyone is missing it? That's absolutely terrifying and paralyzing. What else can you focus on at that point?? As Ines said, I think the fear/anxiety is a massive distraction from repressed or suppressed emotions, and a way to keep you focused on your body, your "diagnoses," what the doctors are doing or not doing, etc. If I were you I would tell myself a million times a day that "I am okay" and "my body is healthy and normal" and "my physical symptoms are part of a benign process to distract me from painful emotions." I've been doing this whenever I feel a pang of worry about my feet (where my pain currently is), and the anxiety dissipates right away.