How I healed from a myriad of symptoms

Dorado, thank you for your well explained post. I’ll just state one last thing that bothers me and then hopefully I’ll be able to let this all go. The neurologists etc. said they couldn’t find anything wrong with me, so I asked one of them if this meant it could be anxiety related etc.. She reiterated that she couldn’t find anything wrong. She skirted the question. I find neurologists to be noncommittal and this one in particular had NO bedside manner. So again, with my active imagination I figured she was leaving an opening for a possible problem. Reading this, I do sound a bit paranoid. I’m thinking of trying an antidepressant for awhile to see if this takes the edge off, at least initially.

Thanks for your input; both you, Dorado and JanAtheCPA have really been helpful.

 

You’re right, who knew the answer was so simple.

 

Yup, sounds about right! The neurologist at one of the university hospitals didn't want to straight up say that my symptoms were mind-body, either. I genuinely think he didn't want to hurt me, although I would've preferred more upfront honesty. He simply said my symptoms could be a sign of central sensitization, which I now know is TMS.

The first neurologist I saw - not from one of the world-class hospitals I went to - actually said my issue could indeed be alcoholic neuropathy. Now, keep in mind that I was in my mid-twenties and had a weekend where I drank too much on Friday night and then essentially went on a bar crawl on Saturday. There was no way in HELL I had alcoholic neuropathy from one weekend alone! The neurologist at the top-ranking hospital actually laughed when I told him, which greatly offended me at the time, but now I crack up when I think about it, too. He wanted me to get emotional help. My favorite neurologist from one of the university hospitals was ADAMANT that I did not have any form of alcoholic neuropathy and immediately knew it was all from emotional stress. He then referred me to a specific biofeedback psychologist to work on breathing exercises and meditation, but the psychologist also suspected alcoholic neuropathy. All I can say is, what the F?! Needless to say, my favorite neurologist was livid when I told him. Absolutely livid.

Don't let the noncommittal tone make you lose hope! I had some doctors and specialists straight up say I was screwed, and another who didn't really want to hurt my feelings even though he knew it was all emotional stress. Thank goodness I had the ability to go to the best doctors in the world who saw right through my situation.

 

Lucky you to have found an understanding neurologist. I was never so lucky. Being told you had alcoholic neuropathy must have been just awful. They really can jump to conclusions.

 

I have a quick question. Did either of you ever take an antidepressant and if so did it help at all?

 

I really like your idea of saying affirmations out loud. I will have to add saying ‘No’ to anxiety as well. What a horrible combination I have. Sometimes I feel bleak and depressed and other times I have an anxious feeling in my chest that I will experience on and off for 70 percent of the day. It’s as if I can’t control it no matter what I do. So, I like what you did when you were experiencing depression. Also, I dug out my copies of the Divided Mind and Claire Weekes’ books for a reread. Thank you JanAtheCPA.

 

I was put on Cymbalta by the top-rated hospital for nerve pain, anxiety and obsessive compulsive thinking, and major depressive disorder. I was on it for four months and then had to taper off very quickly as my body doesn’t tolerate Cymbalta, which genetic testing later confirmed. It wasn’t fun.

I will be honest - I do not associate with the diagnosis of major depressive disorder whatsoever. I do not have deterministically genetic, chemical, or permanent depression, and I don’t think that’s as common as people frequently believe it is. Once I understood the source of the depression (thoughts and beliefs that formed as a result of awful childhood experiences) and learned how to challenge and reframe it, the depression went away. This was successful because those thoughts and beliefs ultimately led to negative thinking patterns that had become deeply rooted in my daily life - that’s all my depression was. I can deal with anxious thoughts much better, too. The antidepressant wasn’t worth it for me. Other people may feel differently about their own situations.

This is why I have a very hard time with the way the world often views “mental illness” as a one-size-fits-all problem. I suspect there are many people like me who get hit with these “permanent” anxiety and depression diagnoses when the issue is habitual thinking patterns that formed early on in life. PTSD is a fantastic example of something that forms as a result of trauma and can be 100% reversed, but a lot of people don’t realize that. For some of us, it’s not a mental “illness,” but a reaction to life that becomes habitual.

So for me as an individual, medication wasn’t as effective as me retraining my brain. Maybe medication can serve as a helpful crutch and ease the feelings for someone as they do the emotional work (and that’s okay), but I was fully off medication by the time I understood what I needed to do. The medication didn’t help me at all in that area. Again, some people may feel differently about their own experiences. Some individuals may feel relief to have the helpful crutch, others may feel too “numbed” by medication to do the emotional work, etc.

 

I can understand your not taking Cymbalta as I took it for one day and the horrendous side effects weren’t worth it. I guess what happens for me is panic wells up in me from my leg symptoms and I need some kind of outlet. I suppose emotions can affect only one area if the body? My poor husband doesn’t know what to do with me. Lol. I usually exercise but it still doesn’t eradicate my symptoms. So reading how you and JanAthe CPA handle things is really positive and hopeful. Like you, I had a very nerve wracking childhood, so that can certainly be a present day stressor. Thanks again.

 

Yes, my childhood was filled with irresponsible adults (many of whom had issues with alcohol), witnessing a parent experience a pretty severe nervous breakdown due to highly traumatic events (which they readily admit is where my obsessive compulsive tendencies stemmed from), feeling socially awkward for being bisexual (neither gay enough or straight enough for my peers), being given amazing education and professional opportunities but also being far too young and untrained to handle it, etc. When I look back on it, the source of my depression and anxiety is a no-brainer!

 

Sorry to hear about your past. Mine has similarities- two alcoholic parents always threatening to split up, punitive mother and on and on. I was a nervous wreck as a child. When I think back I was at the doctors from age five for mysterious illnesses that always corrected themselves. This one isn’t as quick to leave which I guess instills fear in me. It’s the fear I have to let go of. It’s tough.

 

I’m sorry you’ve gone through a hard time. Please know that what happened is not your fault, and you can absolutely recover. You are not alone at all, and many of us are the best we’ve ever been. I’m pretty freaking good these days. Life will never be perfect for anyone, but I can handle it.

I used to feel very depressed, anxious, and angry. At the same time, I’m a very nice and loving person, and the angry outbursts left me feeling extremely confused, guilty, and out of control. I’ve been referred to as the “happiest person ever” and even won a company award (nominated by a senior executive) for my positive attitude, so I kept these feelings hidden VERY well. But the cracks started to feel more and more visible from the outside.

When I started to look back on my life, I realized these feelings had stemmed from the negative experiences. I was never taught how to handle or love life. That’s why I wanted to just die whenever I felt pain - I never knew how to enjoy being alive, so everything felt pointless (and I remember reading about a guy who had years of suicidal thoughts go away once he took the same approach as me with retraining). All I saw was chaos. Having this understanding of my outbursts helped me realize I’m not out of control - I was simply responding to life in the only way I knew how to respond. My guilt began to dissipate. From there, I was able to reframe my thoughts. I was also able to forgive and move on - I do not hold any resentment toward people who didn’t know how to guide me or essentially did me wrong.

 

Wow, so much sounds like me. I try not to hold onto resentment either. I might still towards one person and I’ll have to work on that.

I’ve always been considered to be a person that is very in control- cool, calm and collected. Not true- at times I feel like I’m going to explode. I can get very nasty and snippy with my husband and I know he doesn’t deserve that. I’m frustrated with the fact I still don’t feel well (leg crap) and anxiety, but am fully committed to resolving it.

I’m really happy for you Dorado. Live the life you want.

 

Hi there stranger

I know what you are going threw and i also tried many antidepressant looking for some relief ...but it was never there and if anything they made me sicker ....but that’s me . Donna
We just need total acceptance and not give a shit about the pain anymore ...listen to Dan Buglio he really gets it....unless you had severe childhood trauma, the answer is not there .. it’s our everyday thoughts and actions that keep fueling or TMS

 

Hi to you too. Thanks for the words of encouragement. Hope you’re doing ok.

 

Monte Huefle said the exact same thing.

 

I do want to note that it doesn’t always have to be severe childhood trauma - it can be as simple as having a parent who didn’t know how to communicate feelings and you taking that on, or a workaholic parent teaching you to be a perfectionist. Our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors can stem from what we observed growing up, and for me, it was helpful knowing where my patterned thinking came from so I could see that I wasn’t just born majorly depressed. I was being told I had no control over this label of major depressive disorder, and I needed to know why I was having these outbursts. For me, this knowledge empowered me and helped me move on while also not becoming resentful.

Now, it becomes problematic when someone isn’t able to move past their childhood and becomes stuck in a loop, journaling about it endlessly for years. That’s not good.

 

Yes, when I look at growing up I was in a household where we had to be stoic and not show sadness. Crying was not permissible. This sort of thing can’t be heathy.

 

@tgirl, and that’s exactly why it doesn’t have to stem from severe trauma. I thought there was no way my symptoms were psychosomatic because I had friends who were molested as children or raped in college, but didn’t have the issues I had. What gave me the right to be sad, anxious, or angry? It may sound like I went through a lot based on my posts, but that’s only because I looked back at my past. I didn’t understand how affected I was by it until later on in my life. Many people on these forums develop symptoms because they’re a perfectionist due to parents wanting them to get straight A’s as a child; other people are here because of much more traumatic events, like losing their own child or a spouse, etc.

I’m all about not getting hung up on the past, and I’ve spoken about that in my success story, but making these connections can help some of us move on. I actually still had some work to do after I posted my success story. My physical symptoms were gone, but emotionally I still felt like I had room to grow.