How I healed from a myriad of symptoms

Aye. And it’s not always from childhood these things root from (although factors stemming from that time can leave us vulnerable). My TMS comes from narcissistic in-laws who made my life hell for decades. I was a teenager when I met them so was a pretty soft and innocent soul. Looking back my main issue was poor boundaries. These are crucial to healing.

I highly recommend the work of Pete Walker who I have spoken of here before. His work on CPTSD (Complex PTSD) is life-changing because it focuses on the day-to-day, habitual traumas as opposed to a single traumatic incident. It’s well worth exploring as he explores and explains the way toxic family environments lead us to develop chronic defences that impact our personalities and nervous systems.

http://pete-walker.com/ (Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy)

Oftentimes we are not even aware of these (hence the repression). Ultimately as @JanAtheCPA and @Dorado point out, you have to address the emotional self. I was clueless and then in full on denial about the ‘kitchen sink’ nightmare I’d endured. This is why I’m so emphatic about self-care, it’s a powerful element of healing when the self has been crushed and discarded.

Plum x

 

Thanks, @plum! Yes, so very true - I edited my post shortly after that to include some traumas people often experience after childhood, like losing a spouse. Totally agreed with you! That information sounds amazing - I need to check it out! I will very likely share it with a few friends.

Sometimes the day-to-day experiences - in childhood and/or in adulthood, not always both - we have can affect us in ways we don’t understand. I didn’t want to get hung up on my childhood when I posted my success story, and the physical symptoms were gone, but I really needed to understand where my emotions were stemming from so I could be more emotionally stable in general. That didn’t start happening until this year.

 

Dorado you have got me thinking about how my past could relate to my present situation. I’m seeing a counsellor as well so maybe just maybe I will get to the bottom of this crap. I really have to.

 

One day at a time ...tgirl I been just getting on with living I put down all the Tms work know it time to move on with life ...we need to fill our life with love this is what will give us the freedom from Tms ..I check non on my feeling on a daily basis and move on ...down with all the journaling self talk Tms Therapist . All this work is a distraction in healing it self sometimes we need to let go of the edge of the pool to swim

 

Thanks plum, I’ll check it out. I can use all the help I can get.

 

When I first posted my success story, I controlled my daily emotions by focusing on the good in my life. But then something more intense would happen (as it always does in life) and my emotions would go right back to where they were. I don’t think we need to become obsessive over our negative experiences in life (again, from childhood and/or adulthood), but it does help to see that we aren’t simply “insane.” Rather, we are reacting to life, and seeing how those reactions may have become habitual. From there, I’ve learned how to break those patterns and challenge the negative thoughts.

 

Go gently. It’s easy to miss what is hiding in plain sight. I honestly didn’t want to face what had happened to me. It made me feel that I had been living a lie...and that is brutal. Sadly I couldn’t afford therapy but I think it would have helped me.

Pete’s work truly helped me in lieu. I also discovered some great channels on YouTube that urged me towards clarity.

@JanAtheCPA writes about how we should not dismiss the small or seemingly insignificant when we journal or reflect and this is so important because this totally relates to our feelings of safety, and this is the key to healing. I came to see that I hadn’t felt safe for decades. Not in myself, in my body, in my relationships, and where I lived. The only place I felt good was in my car. But I didn’t translate any of this into why I had TMS.

Over the Summer I was plunged back into the desperate heart of this and I saw how engrained, entrenched and habitual my people-pleasing, co-dependant, fawning (see Pete Walker for this) survival strategies had become. These I am still teasing out.

Healing truly happens in layers. It’s quite beautiful. ❤️

 

I’m on a long boring drive right now pondering all this great information. I guess I don’t always challenge my negative thoughts and boy some thoughts can be negative. I am trying to break this cycle, as you managed to achieve Dorado.

 

@plum, the way you framed healing in layers is beautiful and accurate. Love that. You always bring such an eloquent and insightful perspective to this forum.

 

Bless you Sweetheart ❤️

I adore the many and varied voices here, and your words do much to help me deeply comprehend the agonies my little brother endured as a smalltown boy coming out in the 80’s. In recent years he’s opened up a lot about this and I feel sick to my stomach when I hear how badly people treated him. Thank the gods for you and the immense generosity and authenticity of your posts.

 

Reflection is very powerful. Sometimes we try too hard to fathom it all out which can bring everything up too close, so we can’t see the wood for the trees. Mulling upon our intimate, daily self can be immensely fruitful. I find long drives and housework are well suited to this endeavour, and where that fails, go to music. Music speaks to the soul and of the soul, and can help make sense of our darker, negative self.

Sending you love xxx

 

Thank you Plum. You are so insightful. xo

 

I am so sorry to hear that about your brother. Thank you for being generous and authentic with your posts!

Sexual orientation is an example of something that affected me in ways I didn't understand because I knew some people who had it far worse (e.g., being kicked out of the house, sexual harassment, etc.). Kids started teasing me for being "queer" when I was about 11 (which was when my obsessive thoughts started to grow worse - I felt diseased), and my mom accused me of being gay when I was 15. By the time I was 17, she regularly called me slurs at the top of her lungs, said I was going to get diseases, asked me why I was doing this to myself and our family, etc. It was around this time that specific symptoms started to pop up. My sister was afraid I'd run away and begged my mom to stop. But things are very different today - my mom considers this to be her worst moment in life and is now over-the-top supportive. She's got the rainbow flags and picture filters on her social media pages. She still cries and apologizes to me, even though I reassure her over and over again that she was forgiven long ago. However, when I later had a couple of heterosexual hook ups, I received a VERY negative response from my gay and straight friends. They were actually pissed and took it so personally. If some of my snarky friends were reading this right now, I guarantee they'd say, "Haha, your gay ass is STILL not giving it up!" Ugh.

This is why it's important to remember that even if you think someone had it worse, or even if people have apologized to you and you truly forgive them, you might have some patterned thoughts that stemmed from those situations. And sometimes you're still trying to fit in or at odds with someone else's perception of you, even if everyone praises you for being so authentic.

The little things really do add up.

 

I’m so sorry to hear of all that you endured but am gladdened to know you have repaired your relationship with your mum. I don’t think many of us truly understand how challenging (and shaming) the coming out period can be. My brother recently left an abusive relationship where his partner drank heavily to drown the shame his father inflicted upon him during his adolescence. The last I heard this guy is considering therapy. I’m praying my brother doesn’t take him back, something his friends are also emphatic about.

The “too gay” thing is interesting. My niece is gay and we recently had a chat about this as it was an issue with some of her crowd. It’s crazy. I’m staggered at how complex the modern dating world is, irrespective of sexual orientation. We meet up monthly for long conversations over coffee and not long ago she told me how much our relationship means to her. To be a safe place for another is a great boon of healing.

You are quite right, it isn’t enough to lay down our arms, we need to examine those deep defensive patterns and the emotions that tell us we still feel endangered.

I’m peeling layers back from the brutal experiences I’ve had with my in laws. It’s taken me years to be able to say they are a bunch of *****, and kick them into touch (psychologically). My mother-in-law is in her 90’s now and while I would happily go no contact I have to respect her vulnerability and the fact that she is my husband’s mum. Hence I have cultivated an organic boundary and I ‘handle her’ as one would carefully approach a snake.

So yes, plenty of deep-rooted issues to resolve and this is ok. Mostly they are little things, emotional death by a thousand paper cuts, and maybe this explains the many and varied symptoms. Each a cri de coeur.

This is such a great thread.

Plum x

 

I agree Plum, this is a good thread. I’m learning a lot from you lovely people.

I think it has taken me years to realize the depths of my pain. And as someone has mentioned about themselves, my sadness and anger didn’t come from one or two horrific events, but came from years of smaller sad and untenable situations. I’ve been told I bury my pain and it’s probably expressing itself physically. I worry, since the pain is strange and unyielding, but I feel this worry is a contributing factor to furthering my anxiety and pain. I’ve always been a quick fix kind of person and I’ll tell you, my situation has been anything but that.

 

We are in the same boat

 

@Dorado
I would be very grateful if you could answer to my pm.

 

@Ruby_, I am so very sorry, but I’m unable to respond to private messages. However, I am VERY happy to address any questions in threads posted by members or in here! This will also benefit you as other voices can chime in, and as you can see, we have many members who possess incredible wisdom.

I should note that my keys to healing are fully detailed in this post, so if you’re looking for information on how I healed, this is the best answer I can give you and the type of information you can expect to receive from me with any questions!

 

Sweetheart,

The exact same experience is true for me and is probably true for most people here. We have buried the daily bruisings because in themselves they seem insignificant or petty but the culmination of this is TMS. It’s a poor relational pattern that has become ingrained, and it impacts not only our interpersonal relationships but most damningly, upon the relationship between our mind and our body.

This is why we need to gently look back at our past, to determine the reactive patterns set in motion, and then bringing that wisdom into our present, learn to nurture or reparent ourselves. In essence this boils down to intimate self-care. Not “me-time” and bubble baths, though such things are vital in their own way, but in terms of learning how to tend to ourselves emotionally. We need to learn how to soothe our own tears, calm our anger, rejoice in our joy. We have to allow ourselves to experience and express our emotions. We need to learn to trust them, and that it is safe to do so.

When we don’t feel safe and grounded in our body we are unable to feel never mind express our emotions. It is this very real, very tangible sense of safety that heals us.

I came to see this with great clarity over this last year which had been the most brutal, yet most powerfully healing layer of all. Now my devotion is to this deep, inner sense of safety and the peace, stillness and gratitude it gifts me with.

To this end I embrace healing disciplines. I practice EFT (or tapping) every single day on any issue that arises. I also spend ten minutes meditating (at a minimum) to entrain my body~mind. I swim and indulge in long jacuzzi sessions because my body adores it. I do Yin yoga because it reaches deep into my emotional self and leaves me feeling whole and beautifully serene. These practices are all in sharp contrast to the panic, fear and anxiety that drove me for years.

I had to (am having to) go into the narcissistic abuse I suffered, to look clearly at it and see the damage it has wrought, so that I may repair it. I’m not turning incidents and occasions over in my mind endlessly and I’m not journaling them to death. I’m standing at a remove, examining them and then noting what the healthy response should have been at the time. My self-esteem was decimated incrementally and I am rebuilding my sense of self-worth. A large part of this is validating my emotions and the sensations of my body.

I cannot emphasise enough how important this is. This is where Somatic Tracking and Cognitive Soothing come into play. Irrespective of the method(s) we choose and use to heal, we must feel our feelings but no longer be terrorised by them. We must learn to reign in our fearful minds and the wretched, merciless inner dialogue and replace it with kindness, again and again.

Worry is a contributing factor and is simply another word for anxiety. These states only serve to ratchet up the internal pressure and maintain the tension. Remember TMS isn’t the pain/anxiety/worry/weird sensations we feel but rather our preoccupation with them. It’s the tyranny of fearful thoughts that are the real TMS.

Sending you love,

Plum x

 

Dear @Dorado
Thank you for your reply.
I actually then wanted to ask in short, if you had panic attacks? Im currently having them during the evening when I lie in my bed, I feel then my heart racing with 120 bpm, then I freak more out because Im afraid that I will have a heart attack and then it goes to 160 bpm and I think Im dying.

I also read your keys to healing and found them very helpful but my problem is:
As Im telling myself during this attack that nothing will happen, its just panic and try to accept it, another half of me is still fearing the symptoms : fast heart beat, sweating, dizzyness, hot flashes/feelings, shakiness.. so I guess Im not really accepting because I still fear it?
My question would be:
how do I accept this symptoms( and they really feel so dangerous) like the racing heart.. without fearing them?

cause‘ my fear this dreaded fear comes so automatically and I cant control it.

I tried also lying with it and it really goes away after 40min till 1 hour.. but still I fear the next one coming..

Would be so glad to hear your reply @Dorado

Thank you so much,
Ruby