Hello friends. I feel like I could write an essay, and I hardly know where to start. I’ll try here. Bear with me. My childhood was either lonely, frightened or horrible. I am an only child. My parents were, and still are to some extent, suffering psychologically with problems such as neurosis, anger issues, abandonment, alcoholism. They wanted ‘the best’ for me and were bloody awful at it. My memory is completely shot but I’m told my early years were hard. Later, I suffered with a sense of abandonment, having been sent to a boarding school age 9 (a place now well known for abuse) only to enter the frying pan of daily and nightly bullying from peers and adults (monks). I escaped at 16 and immediately began to self-medicate. Obviously my first marriage failed, and eventually my body gave up and almost killed me (auto immune disease). I’ve remarried a wonderful woman, and have found safety. It’s our ten-year anniversary. I have spent the last ten (and the 20 before that) using alcohol and cannabis to distract from the pain. Having now given them up, by which I mean seen through them, I am certain where my path lies. I have to come back from this before I get too old. Age 47, my body is wracked with pain and fatigue. Don’t feel like you need to read the list but here’s the immediate obvious ones that come to mind: Crippling continuous bilateral heel/foot pain (10 years now, following crippling lower back pain) Chronic fatigue. Constantly drained from the moment I wake. Widespread muscle and limb weakness and fatigue Guillain Barre Syndrome (almost killed me. Tracheotomy. Organ failure. Learn to walk from scratch) Low level tinnitus/ invisible noise-pressure in head Inconsistent perceived sensations of hot cold ambient temperature Frequent peeing. Average 1litre/3 trips between final pee before bed and correct waking time Hypothyroidism Heartburn Heart area ache Difficulty concentrating/Mental fogginess Diarrhoea after alcohol Anus pain bleeding after defecating Anxiety & panic attacks and somatization disorders Tennis elbow Aching knees (minimal Arthritis, double arthroscopy) Randomly located spasms, tingling and pain spikes across the body Almost constant sensation of dehydration Intermittent but regular compulsive swallowing and pain around the Adam's apple Jaw misalignment, clicking I’m bright, caring, thoughtful, creative and also a bit of a nightmare. Buy one get one free. I clearly need to integrate/feel what I was never allowed to feel/ love my inner child etc etc. But how? There seem to be almost 50 years of ignored issues. Where to start? I’ve read loads. To name a few: Levine. Porges. I’ve done trauma seminars with Gabor Matte. Annie Grace’s dropping alcohol book led me to John Sarno, which led me to here, via ‘The Body Never Lies’ by Alice Miller. I have two main areas I could use advice in. 1) Am I right in thinking that I need a therapist/analytical psychologist or psychiatrist? If so, which one and how do I find one that isn’t just going to tell me to forgive my parents? Who do I talk to that will help me find one that is right for me? I’m in Hampshire/Surrey area of UK. 2) I’m trying to follow Sarno’s guidance in ‘Minbody Prescription’, but my concentration and my energy and motivation levels are so low it’s really hard. What would you suggest? Is the Curable app officially ‘good’? I’m happy to pay if it is. Should I focus on this Alan Gordon Programme (I haven’t read yet) or keep rereading Sarno? I’ve got a lot going for me but I’d really like to be a whole person, with acceptable, normal pain. Any help would be appreciated. I’ve travelled the whole world, started and run businesses, brought up 4 (relatively) happy kids, published stories and more, but right now it would probably help more if you explain things as you might to an adolescent teenage boy with ADHD. Thanks, if you got this far.