I'm in pain from head to toe + battling anxiety disorder

In ruins? I visited Ireland in 2005, the missus and I thought it was gorgeous! Had the best bangers & mash on the planet in Galway, walked the rhododendron patch in Howth, visited the cliffs of moher, etc. My father's side emigrated to the U.S. back in the late 1800's from County Mayo.

 

Spray cheese tastes pretty good especially on Wheat Thin crackers when you're camping out. You should be able to find it at most convenience stores or gas stations, it's an American staple for road trips. Is the GMC you're referring to the truck, like a pick-up or the 4x4 Jimmy SUV?

 

Been a while since my last visit. Too preoccupied with that damn thesis.
Tennis Tom: I meant a pick-up.

I'd like to tell you that I think the reason behind my symptoms lies in the tremendous fear about the future. You know the "how-am-i-going-to-provide-for-myself" kind of stuff. Right now I've comitted #1 crime when it comes to TMS healing: I kept googling symptoms ending up with gruesome diagnoses like stiff person syndrome of dystonia (since my neck is pretty stiff and painful). Also the stiffness seems to be speading down to both arms causing the feeling of a limited motion (I can stretch my arms though they feel really tight). I guess it must be all in my head. How else can you explain it? But it does create a sensation of not feeling comfortable in my own body, if you know what I mean.
And I've (once more) promised to myself not to google symptoms, though it's kinda strange that one day my neck and arms hurt and the next day they feel stiff, yet another day the sensation of weakness is prominent. It's a roller coaster ride, really.

Another thing: My supervisor informed me she wanted me to defend my thesis in June = moooreee pressure! Hell yeah! I'll be happy if I get out of this alive.

By the way... Do you think it's ok to cry a bit when you feel that you can no longer ignore the pain/muscle tightness? My gut tells me that if I don't let the tension out, I will go nuts. I am trying to live a relatively normal life, despite my symtoms but sometimes I just can't push through.
Best regards for everyone!

 

At my worst point I began bashing my fists into the table over and over...and even punched a wall. I'd recommend pillows if I'm being honest or a punching bag. Visualise whatever you punch as the pain and tell it you won't let if push you around any longer and to allow you to get on with your life!

 

Funny thing, I don't seem to have enough energy to express anger physically. I experience bouts of fatigue intermittently. However, I did cry today and guess what...the pain is gradually dissipating. I use visualization techniques everyday before going to sleep. I visualize myself as being healthy, full of energy, laughing and doing whatever the hell I want being pain free.

@Tennis Tom:
I love your response. It put a big grin on my face. I appreciate your insight. To tell you the truth, I'd like to smoke some weed but I am afraid that this, combined with my medications, could mess my brain up. Big time.
I love GMCs. Hummers are awesome, too.
How would I get into a pick-up? I'm 5.74 feet tall - that might help.

 

its so weird isn't it? when you achieve a breakthrough or catch the pain off guard so to speak.
Write down your little victories and read over them the next time you hit a rough patch. know you have triumphed before and will do so again

 

Bunneh, you have done yourself a big favor by letting your frustration out, crying or whatever else it takes to do so. And I need to reiterate 1 more time, DO NOT GOOGLE SYMPTOMS, you can have a sore finger and it'll make you think its going to fall off. If you are having a problem with this you need to keep telling yourself that not only is googling not going to solve your problem but it will make you feel worse as you'll always end up reading something that brings the old worries back or creates a fresh worry.

I'm a ways from the life I had before but I noticed I've been worrying less since I stopped googling, wish I had never started.

If your worries have to do with providing for yourself you can also make sure you do not set the bar too high - for instance, a GMC or Hummer would be nice but if it causes you a lot of financial strain then, well, I guess you could see where I am going with this. At one point I wanted to have 3-4 antique cars but I have since realized I could easily enjoy life with 2, or even 1. I have started to realize the stress that comes with many material things is not worth my health and peace of mind.

 

Thank you for your support.
I forgot to mention but I had my first session with a psychologist yesterday. Two things surprised me:
1) She seems to believe in the mind-body connection in creation of persistent physical pain, though she didn't say it directly. What she did mention was the fact that thoughts shape our reality (which reminded me of a book I once read - "The Secret" - I know most people think it's too new agey.). She brought up an example of pseudo pregnancy in women who obsessively think about getting pregnant. She also said something about minfulness,about being here and now.
2) She asked me when was the last time I did something I enjoyed. I couldn't recall many situations over the last 7 months. I mean, I did go out with friends but I was never present there. I was stunned when I realized how much harm it could have done to my psyche.

 

Hang in there girl. We get obsessed about the pain and then even worse, in my opinion, we get so fearful. I know I have. Will I be crippled and not able to walk....So many fearful thoughts. As a hypnotherapist I believe it's possible to begin to write a new story. Some guided meditation on healing and relaxing is helpful to me. I talk to my brain. Tell it to calm down, cut it out, don't need the distraction etc. You can heal. I believe we can heal. Much love.

 

"The more we focus, the more we intensify the pain." From an online energy healer. Concentrate on the positives. If only one wrist hurts, then focus on the improvement in the other one. You are in a very difficult position - a perfectionist in grad school. Having your unfinished thesis nominated is a tremendous amount of pressure - gratifying, but pressure, nevertheless.

When you try focusing on the parts that don't hurt, something else may pop up. Tell your body you aren't going to stand for it!

Look to Grokker online for yoga videos. You can choose 'gentle' or 'restorative'. If a pose comes up your body isn't ready for, then do deep breathing until the instructor moves on. That being said, you can do more than you think if you use your breathing. My yoga mantra, "Breathe, relax, accept." Not a bad one for life, either. Do the stretches to the best of your ability - remembering the instructor has years of practice and a limber body. Yoga shouldn't hurt. My instructor says stop at the edge of pain. Enough to challenge your body, but not hurt it. Of course, he doesn't understand that everything hurts to some degree, but I still love it to keep me as mobile as possible.

 

Thanks for help! To tell you the truth, yesterday I was pain-free but instead had many fearful thoughts and my anxiety went off the charts (I'm weaning off Xanax after 4 months). My mindset was really bad, and today as I woke up, I thought my entire body was on fire! Started breathing and reduced the pain. I find it actually funny that my body's response to negative thoughts is almost instant, while it takes so long to notice improvement from positive thinking. I've never tried yoga. Apparently, it's time to change that. Are the programs you recommended free? Never had enough time to meditate, apart from the autogenic training I do before going to bed. Best regards for everyone!

 

Keep in mind that "anxiety" is also TMS, an affetive (emotional) form of it, it's also a distraction. Yoga's good, it's the fundamentals of all movement, it's a positive distraction.

 

I agree that not putting pressure on myself to have as much as my neighbors helps me to relax and be content.
I just dropped satellite tv because I hardly watched anything but PBS public tv and I get that free now with a new
Winegard indoor antenna that gives me more PBS channels than I got with satellite, and the picture is sharper.
I get about 30 Chicago area and Indiana channels, all free. So let the neighbors spend $50 to $80 a month on
satellite or cable they hardly watch.

I have a small ranch house on a block with mansions, and drive a 2001 Saturn. Expenses are low.
So is my stress level.

I've read that people who are on Facebook a lot are depressed because they want what everyone else says they have.

 

Yes, the yoga videos on Grokker are currently free. You might try Siri Peterson's beginner series or Tonya Fitzpatrick's somatic exercises.

 

UPDATE on my slow recovery:
It's been almost two weeks since I weaned off Xanax. I did it almost cold turkey bacause I was reducing the dose by 0,25 mg every 3 days. I went through hell of unbearable withdrawal syndrome (burning muscle pain, brain fog, dizziness, tinnitus and mood swings, to name a few). The symptoms still wax and wane but I must admit I have more good days than bad ones.

I started doing stress relieving yoga 3 times a week (didn't know one may get severe cramps in shoulders and spine muscles, but they feel way better than dull muscle pain I was used to ).

Arms still feel a bit stiff but I manage it by telling my TMS to back off. I must sound hilarious yelling "don't you even dare!" while doing the dishes. The future is bright now, compared to the feeling of hopelessness that haunted me for the past two months or so.

Have a nice weekend, everyone!

 

Congratulations! That's wonderful to hear. Keep up with the exercising, it will keep you strong and balanced to deal with the emotional TMS stuff. Your "mood swings" are probably normal, it may mean you are feeling your emotions rather then stuffing them and creating TMS symptoms, adding to the "reservoir of rage."