Day 6 learning my mother had died

When I was 13 I woke up one morning with my dad beside my bed. "Dixie, I think your darling, darling mother has died," he said. I said, "May I see her?" I went to her room and checked her eyes. I knew that if they were not all the way closed, but were very slightly open, it meant she was dead. They were. No one hugged me that day or helped me. My dad was hysterical. I didn't go to school. I tried to do tasks. I cried in the bathroom. I didn't cry with anyone. No one comforted me or looked after me. I feel so much pain right now and I have been waking up very early and not going back to sleep. Everyone says accept accept accept but how about if someone helps me instead? My husband gets frustrated because so many people ARE helping me, him included. But it's just, accept, it will get better. How am I supposed to live in this level of pain and suffering? Why am I not sleeping? Oh, I just want to sleep. I took medication and it didn't work. I took another medication and it didn't work. Medication is not the answer. But I accept and I still don't sleep. Now other symptoms flare up and I know it is a flare-up, a setback. But oh Lord, give me sleep. I hate waking up to such despair. I can't control it. I can't control how or when or in what frame of mind or body I wake up. I feel so abandoned and so distressed. I feel unprotected. If the Lord loved me, he could give me sleep. Why did no one protect me when my mom died? She was my only protection...after that there was no one between me and my dad to prevent the abuse and to care for me. My mom would lie in bed with me and hold me when I was sad. My husband will do that now but why is it not enough. Why can't I feel safe. I want to believe I am healthy and safe but I feel broken and lost. Lord Jesus, why won't you help me? I know you do...I know you have been so faithful to me...please keep your promises and carry me out of this place. Oh, I want my mother so much. I feel so angry that she stopped protecting me. I feel so angry that no one protects me. I feel I cannot et down my guard because I have no safety.

 

You are right on time.

 

What do you mean, @Baseball65 ?

 

what is coming out of you is what came out of me when I got better. i know youre doing the SEP....The fact that you can hold this painful memory is going to send TMS packing. I know, becuase I had your same feelings about my Dad when he died..it's scribbled in block Letters on one of the pages of HBP... and I still get to this place every time I get better.

 

This is really encouraging. Thank you.
I guess we don't really have to solve the repressed feelings...just let them emerge/acknowledge them, right? I was just reading Dr. Sarno saying something like that. That you don't have to fully understand them, you just need to allow them. That's hard for me, as I feel like I should keep returning to the memory until it doesn't hurt anymore. But it's always gonna hurt, I guess? I don't know. But I don't want to act victimized anymore.

 

Yep. I have been pain-free for over a quarter century now with only the occasional relapse, but I am not SURE I have ever figured out anything! I just know that looking carefully, thinking about it really Hard when the pain comes (Pg 77 of healing back pain) and telling it to F off has worked....over and over and over.
I have had some minutes of despair...."Yeah, it worked all of those other times, but this time I am fucked"

But they were short lived and WRONG.

I sometimes miss my Father so much it aches. He died in 1971. When I am open to him and that feeling of loss, I am always on the path of recovery. He was the only person in my family that liked me, so he WAS my 'family'.
I always reflect on the story of King David losing his son in the Book of 2 Samuel..."I am going to him, but he isn't coming back to me". that is actually a happy thought for me and gives me something to look forward to, though I don't understand it.

 

Oh my gosh, @dlane2530 ! What a sad horrible story of the day your Mom died. You have PTSD from that loss. It’s not processed because no one helped you through it at the time. Now your body is crying for you. The first thing you did was check her EYES! (Coincidence?) And this terrible shock came when you woke up in the morning. (Don’t go to sleep or someone you love might die!) You are reliving the trauma over and over.

When I came home from school at age 14, my Dad was home from work. He told me my mom was hospitalized with MS. It was a rare kind of MS. I didn’t even know she was sick! He was hysterical and saying, “why is this happening to me?” No hug. No sympathy. Then, he disappeared for weeks and I took care of my two younger sisters. Stuffed it all these years. This round of TMS I have perfectly mimics MS. (Coincidence?)

You are on the right track. We are on the right track. @Baseball65 said it. This is where we need to focus. On this loss and how to heal it. Our TMS brains think we can’t handle it, but we can. (And by the way— I’ve never told my kids anything about what happened to me other than my mom had MS. I’ve hidden all my grief from them. Now it’s here in full force, in my body!)

loss, pain, perfectionism, fear… you name it. It’s a bloodbath. But we are here. We know what’s going on. We can face this. I always take solace in the fact that Sarno said anyone who DOES The WORK gets better. He didn’t say how long. But he said it would happen.

I wouldn’t quit one bit. You are exactly on target. Your mother’s eyes at morning time, losing her during the night without knowing it, and having no way to process the pain with loving support.

Hang tight. This can’t last.❤️ God bless!

Hugs!

 

Glad I'm not the only one that thinks the same things, LOL.

 

Good days are coming @dlane2530. Hang in there. ❤️ Sending you hugs. ❤️