Day 1 Life Without TMS

So the question on day 1 was essentially "What would life be without TMS?" I want to run. I want to run races. I ran track in high school, but I know I could do it, again. It would be me having enough energy to play with my boys. My oldest son is a pitcher, and I love to play catch with him. I will drive him to the fields as much as possible.

Life without TMS would be me not caring about what others think. I wouldn't either be stressed about life or distracted with pain nonstop.

I did week one for a few months, but I need to start over and do it right. I was able to get to a few big emotions about the 'takers' I've had my entire life,starting at the age of 3. So, this is my first day 1 strand. I know there are still emotions.

I am in a strange situation: We've recently discovered a friend has been embezzling money from a place we helped him develop. I yelled at him, demanding answers. It was exhilarating. It was a total out of body experience. I was shamed, and the leaders were called 'boys and girls.' I felt horrible. I never step out and call someone out on things, but I felt so guilty.

Something about that moment has stuck with me, and is tied to my dad. I believe it relates back to the first time my dad got mad at me for something I had no control over. I didn't win the spelling bee as a 4th grader like I did in 3rd grade. He didn't talk to me for 3 days. That was the first time I knew I wasn't good enough. I'm not good enough, and the reactions I get in return leave me wondering if it's worth it.

Pain has been several things from rib pain, back, hemis, neck, shoulders, itching, and RSI. My rsi is currently flared and I worry that it's something else. Listening to success stories helps a lot as well as talking to my husband about it.

 

When I do say something I feel pain because I "see" others are unhappy with me. I have such a fear of rejection.

When I don't say something I feel pain because I am so tired of trying to be perfect, trying not to say anything that will offend others.

You will learn to manage this. The SEP will give you the tools.

 

Hi, Lucylu. Your father was very mean the way he treated you for not winning the spelling bee. He left you will feelings of not being good enough
but that was very wrong of him. My father often put me down in front of friends when I was a young teenager and I never knew why. I think that made me strive hard to be successful and I believe I have become that. You need to think about and maybe write down the successes you have had in school, work, and life, and focus on those being self-image boosters. You also have to forgive your father (if not in person, at least mentally, or write him a letter and tear it up, but somehow forgive him. Forgiving relieves our pain.

 

Walt,
Thank you for your response and advice. It's interesting how those old memories stay with us and rear their heads later in life. I am working on forgiving all levels with my dad. It helps alot when I think of what he went through as a child and young adult. His father passed away unexpectedly when my dad was young. There were other things I found out a couple of years ago that tied many things together for me and allowed me to start to understand some of the things HE'S carried. You're right. I do need to remember my successes.

Thanks again!

 

Stella, thank you!
That rang true with me...you saying you "see" how you let others down but hurt when you don't say anything. Wow!

Thanks for the encouragement.

 

It has taken awhile for me too forgive particularly knowing that how I was treated in the past will again happen in the future.

I have forgiven my Mother. She had a terrible childhood. If she had known what she was doing to us, she would have done different.

 

It did take me awhile to forgive my Mother. I have been screwed up for so many years physically and depression too.

 

Hi again, Stella. I've come to realize that both my mother and father had unhappy and difficult lives for many reasons and this knowledge has made me believe they did the best they could for my older brother and sister and me. If we put ourselves in their shoes, we can forgive better. Life is not easy for most of us, and even billionaires have their problems, as do the children of the rich and famous. I try to live each day with as much hope and positive thinking as I can. Forgiving helps a lot. So does all the caring people in this TMS community.

Try not to think that the past is going to repeat itself. Live in the present and it will drive away that fear.