Day 3 My highway, keeping it short

First of all, sorry for my bad english. I am from Austria, so I'll do my best and keep it short

Ive always tried to be a straight, perfect and caring person. I am running my own business, came from a difficult childhood and for 15 years I never felt I could settle down with one of the girls I was dating or in a relationship. Then came "the perfect girl". I went through hell in the relationship since she was kind of bipolar. treated me like shit and the breakup... broke me (no pun intended). My whole worl crumbled, I never felt so insecure before. I was so depressed that I did not care if a car hit me or the airplane crashed. I couldnt sleep for like one year and at my lowest I reached out to a psychologyst since I only thought about how calm it would if I would be dead.
Since i always did a lot of sport, beeing semi professional at some point, my way to deal with it was excessive sport. At some point I herniated a disc L5/S1 and couldnt move. So I took a shitload of caffeine and ephedrine to get me through the day while still going to the gym, no pain meds, no sleep, no food, no rest. Thats when my pain started to manifest and after another year of neuropathic pain I underwent surgery. Thats when shit hit the fan and I couldnt move for 6 weeks, my legs where burning and my mind was all over the place, I couldnt read anything. Thats an important fact since i try to read every day for at least one hour since 12 years.
I took every pill they gave me and three docs said that they dont know what do to with me anymore, since there is no structural damage.

I could go into more depth but the important thing is that I think I can only get rid of my pain with changing my mind.
For the first time in my life im afraid to move, to surf, lift weights, ride my bike.
Afraid my business will crash since I cant work as I used to.
Afraid I cant find a girl like my last one.

So day 3:
I worked out last sunday and it was amazing. I was afraid to feel pain while lifting and haven't worked out since then because im tired (because of the pain meds Im taking at the moment) and don't wanna "screw thing up" when I move too much.
After reading about TMS I went for a long walk in the rain yesterday. I love walking, and it was just beautiful yesterday.