No Wonder I'm in Pain

I want to share the most helpful journal exercise I've done, because it wasn't exactly a prompt from this program (although the structured program does attempt to get you to go here gradually), but this happened to me, a bit more spontaneously.

I began to think back of when this pain started to happen, which was a little challenging given how many years I've been dealing with it. But as I tried to remember when my pain began, I wrote down everything in a bullet point list. And once I had the list, it was like being struck. I didn't even remember all of this, or even consciously consider how all of this affected me. The act of writing it down helped me admit to myself, "no wonder I'm in pain. How could I not be?"

Here's a generalized version of the list:

1. Strained relationship at work (familial)
2. Anxious to start a family before too old (I was already worried about being able to pick up my kids if I was too old of a dad - all before having kids!)
3. Struggled to get pregnant (month after month of disappointment. Even sex became un-fun)
4. IVF (shame, embarrassment around having to do IVF.)
5. Some personal ethical problems in my business
6. My business partner and best friend (for MANY years) begins to experience depressive episodes, leads to multiple failed attempts by me to bring him back to any sort of level of normalcy. He is basically gone in the business. Struggles with alcohol, has terrible relationships, I check him into rehab.
7. My daughter is born. Nearly dies in childbirth. (Thank god she's alive and healthy many years later.)
8. Having a child is amazing, but what a challenge!
9. My business category faces regulatory changes and challenges that affect our clients. This creates legal and regulatory stress that I cannot begin to describe and makes me wonder if the successful business I've built is even worth maintaining.
10. Best friend and business partner not getting better, we decide (after so many attempts to help) that we need to part ways. The business divorce is not a good one. And it really feels like a divorce. It's just so damn sad. I have regrets about my own behavior and choices. Some shame, and a LOT of feeling powerless.
11. More kids (covid babies). We let go of any help, we don't see family, business travel stops, I'm home with three kids.
12. I don't know what to do about business. I try several things, they all fail.I start other businesses and they fail.
13. I have a massive tax liability that I don't understand. I don't have the money to pay for it. I must have done something wrong or stupid. I have to tell my wife. I have to borrow from family. I'm ashamed.
14. I have to sell retirement investments to help cover the financial problems. I apply for financial aid where I can.
15. My wife struggles with keeping the kids healthy during covid. We have different opinions on this. Our relationship struggles. We generally have such a strong marriage but this is HARD and we have never had this difficult of a challenge together.
16. I barely sleep (three kids), I'm sick 6 months out of the year (three kids - lol) and my back hurts constantly. I can't pick up the kids (guilt and shame), I can't lift anything heavy, I can't workout like I want to, every time I try to "strengthen my core" I end up in pain. I feel de-masculinized. The doc tells me surgery is in my future. I'm in my early 40s but feel like I'm 100. My dad has disabling back/neck problems too and so I have a perfect vision into my future life: disabled, depressed...

There is more I'm leaving out here, but the point is that just writing this out removed all of my doubt about a TMS diagnosis. I realized that I don't have a back problem, I have a repressed emotional/stress/tension problem. And as soon as the doubt was removed, I have been lifting my kids, working out as I want. My attitude has improved, and I'm able to begin to work on loving kindness and compassion towards myself.

My business partner had these tough experiences and began to experience mental health issues. Thankfully my brain is strong, and I don't struggle through mental health (I think that would be tougher), but I have struggled with physical health issues. It all starts in our head, and I've come to realize that it's all about awareness. The step to moving forward and getting better is awareness. Journalling is a super power, sort of like enhanced meditation, and I wanted to share this in case it can help others.

Feel well!

 

Congratulations on all your insights! You are well on the road to recovery now. Yes, journaling can do wonders for many people. Thanks for sharing how it worked for you. It will inspire others.

 

Wow, @LAguy! Amazing discovery for you! I’m pretty sure no one would argue that you had plenty of things to bring on some TMS. Now, you can go through that list and unload all the rage you have about each. (I’m sorta kidding but not kidding!) If your anger never got released, it’s still in there. Tedious work. And miserable work. But healing!

This exercise reminds me of something Howard Schubiner has people do in his workbook, Unlearn Your Pain. He has you write down all your episodes of TMS and what was going on during each. This helps you find patterns that trigger TMS. For me, I discovered financial concerns were always a cause.

Thanks so much for sharing this!