Day 8 Not sure what to write here

I've pursued TMS in a lot of different ways. Starting the Structured Education Program, it's hard for me to say "how things are going" after a week because my pain tends to be very erratic and shifting in its presentation.

I do know that delving into my past and my emotions has been very difficult. My childhood was a mix of crying, fear, and being bullied, but also good friends, good times, and a close relationship with my parents. When I go into it I perceive the negative parts. I'm trying to remind myself that the goal isn't to fix or solve myself psychologically, but simply to become aware of what's going on with me in the past and in the present.

Something going on the last couple days has been perhaps revealing. I've encountered a man near my home multiple times who seems to have an angry grudge against me. On Sunday he burst out of a vehicle, yelling at me, approaching me aggressively, and generally acting like he wanted a fight (though stopping short of attacking or directly threatening me). As best I can tell, he's furious at me for some way that someone else treated him in public, who he thinks is me but isn't. (No, I wasn't able to get him to listen to me; yes, I filed a police report, though it seems likely not to have any effect.)

Since then I've been very nervous, afraid, and angry... and I've had less pain. It's almost like my mind decided, "OK, enough with this pain crap, there's a real life situation here."

 

Update: it's Day 13. I've found the journaling in the program confronting, but doable. And I've moved into a position I'm betting other people have been in, too: "not wanting to poke the bear."

I've been calmer overall. The mentally unstable guy hasn't reappeared for two weeks (I actually thought someone else was him). I started working with an accountability coach, who is helping me regularly (in a non-overwhelming way) do things each day that move my life forward, bit by bit. So when I sit down to do the SEP, I feel like I'm dredging up things I would feel better without! Of course avoidance wouldn't be a strategy, for obvious reasons. Perhaps it's good for me to do things that temporarily increase tension, to experience that this increase is actually safe.