Oldpain2go

Your unconscious brain wants to distract you--and it's working! Look for the emotions and thoughts that it's distracting you from. That's what all the different journaling programs are for.

 

This is really well said Freddy. I think a lot of us Tmsers suffer from low self worth, poor body image etc. I’ve always had a crummy relationship with exercise, and my exercise habits weren’t born from self compassion, of deserving to be healthy and feeling good. They were born from feeling ugly, from being called names, from thinking if I looked a certain way then people would respect me. So I exercised, got in shape, but the goalposts always extended, the carrot always got further away. There was never any praise for my progress, but there was condemnation when I would miss days.I even started doing martial arts (Brazilian jiu jitsu and Muay Thai) again not out of real joy, I actually kind of hated them, and they made me feel super worthless, and uncoordinated, and talentless.. I did them because all my life I felt powerless, and I didn’t want to be at the mercy of bullies, but I was an adult now and the only real bully was myself and my shitty internal monologue. I would walk around in my day to day life, and think welp “if that person starts shit with me I can beat them up” or “I dare my brothers to try the shit they tried with me when we were teens”. The only person starting something with me, was me.

all these thought patterns contributed to my TMS, and perhaps for better or worse my TMS has forced me to reflect on how I approach exercise and physical activities (I can’t do the same stuff I did a year ago, atleast not yet). I am in no way ‘cured’ from these toxic thought patterns, but I’ve At least begun the process of acknowledging that this facet of my life has been utterly dysfunctional. In my quest to increase my self worth by obsessing over exercise and its impact on my physical appearance I really hurt myself.

exercise is an objectively good thing, but when we start approaching it from a desire for control, and to compensate for our perceived inadequacies it can end up becoming the very thing perpetuating our TMS. Because even when pain starts and we force ourselves through it, there’s no self compassion. No praising our resilience. At our ability to overcome. All that’s there is the thought that if I can’t do this then I’m a loser, that I’ll go right back to being that ugly kid who my classmates called lanky, or weak or scrawny.

 

Great post, @Rabscuttle! Well said! So sorry you had to go through such hard things. Your soul is surely shining and beautiful. You are a wonderful person! It’s so nice to hear of the positive things you’re learning and changing through your TMS journey. This is the good stuff!

 

It's interesting because you seem to have the classic "fibro" (TMS) type symptoms i.e. pain on activity. I've been told that could be a sign that your mind is telling you to slow down and, perhaps, stop i.e. you've been doing too much and your symptoms are telling you to switch off. I've got the opposite, when I sit that is when the pain I experience is at its worst. If I have a good enough rest at night I could do yoga, weight lifting, jogging without any pain etc. I do wonder what my mind is telling me? I do notice that if I'm sitting in a car the pain is worse when the car is stationary. The faster the car moves the lower the perception of pain. I feel that the pain I'm experiencing is my mind telling me to flee (flight response). I feel less anxiety when moving although I do not understand where my mind wants me to flee from. I think it thinks I'm in danger where I am and wants me to escape. To escape this world (end my life), the country, the place I'm living in, my relationships? I do not know. Those are just my theories. I don't agree with Steven O i.e. if your brain is causing you pain to move then that is a signal to slow down somewhat and you must respect it. See it as a sign like a warning light on your car's dashboard. Don't fear it just acknowledge it and listen to it.

 

I truly want to keep at it. It is a huge part of who I am and I don't feel I have to but want to.

 

This is exactly right. It’s not punishment. It’s your body telling you something is wrong in your life.