Day 30 One month in - learning to laugh at myself

Hi everyone,
So I'm a month into the program, although I kind of took a week off, I had an amazingly and surprisingly low pain day about a week and half into the program and then the next day when the pain returned I think I just got angry at the whole situation again. Of course I never thought I was completely healed but all the same I felt angry at my body and my situation and my mind. So I guess you could say i 'fell off the wagon' for a little bit, but I climbed back on!! So though I'm a month in, I didn't journal etc. for about a week so it's more like day 20 something. Taking time off did help though, if anything it helped to reaffirm the notion that TMS is real and I have it, because starting the program again instantly helped reduce the pain, when nothing else was. So it's helped me to believe even more now.

Over the past week or so I have been getting up straight away in the morning and going to sit in the garden in the (occasional) sunshine, and then after breakfast I go for a walk, and on these walks, I do a little bit of a jog for a minute or so until I'm out of breath. At first it was quite painful but I pushed on through it told myself i had to get over this hurdle and once i was in a firm jog i felt pretty good, just the occasional tweeky feeling. A week into this routine and i can start to jog fairly well without too much 'start up pain', and the first time i felt that lump in my throat and the cold ache in my teeth i cried out with joy. it was the first time in a loooong time that i had felt that out of breath cold sting of the air in my colds, it took me back to when i was a child and i was running in a cross country race for my school.

Other improvements are that i find sitting much easier, when travelling in the car i dont have to brace myself everytime we go over a speed bump of round a round a bout. in terms of pain, most of my leg pain has gone, instead of the constant dull ache and throbbing travelling up and down my entire left leg, I just tend to experience lower back pain when i run or sit for too long, and then an irritating electric shock type pain in my ankle sometimes. But since all the running etc. the pain has improved not worsened, which proves to me that my pain is most certainly not structural because otherwise i would have woken up the next after running in huge amounts of pain...which i haven't and its been over a week now.
For my mind it's been easier, i feel less lonely when i give myself tasks for the day and break up my day with walks and different activities and then when my parents are not at work or my friends are free i try to hang out with them.

I've also made a lot of progress with this perfectionist outlook i have (or use to have!), when i slip up, do something stupid or embarrassing, I don't beat myself up about it, i tell myself i am a human and we all make mistakes, d stupid things, and i laugh it off. I remember the other day I was crouched down looking in the bottom of the fridge to get some tomatoes and I just kind of fell and toppled backwards but it kind of happened in slow motion, but for once i didn't think about the pain that would come from falling on my butt, i didn't think about bracing myself. i just laughed and found it funny; this slow motion fall. My dad was there and came running over and helped me up, all concerned about my back and i just told him i felt fine and then we laughed about it. the tomato tumble he called it haha. I felt normal again, it felt good to be clumsy and to laugh at myself. That makes it easier to talk to people as well, instead of having to plan what to say in my head, tp check if it sounds okay and hoping i dont trip on the words, i realise that even if i do, it's no big de3al. either they wont notice and even if they do, it's hardly anything to worry or cry over. I would rather put my own well being ahead of what people think of me..or what i think people think of me, anyway.

I feel better about myself, my mind and my body and i'm learning to take care of myself so much more and i can tell it is helping me feel more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin and my own mind.
i still have such a long way to go i know but i also know that i have come so far and if i can come this far, i can continue till the end and i know i will live a better life than i did before the pain struck me , those many months ago.

Once again a quick update has turned into a short novel, i hope someone, anyone can manage to get something useful out of all that.

Wishing you all well, over and out.

 

Congratulations on all your progress! You've come such a long way in such a short time. Think about your progress in terms of how much more joyful life is now that you've made up your mind to discard some old negative thought patterns, rather than by the signals your body is sending you. TMS healing is mostly about reclaiming our lives and our joy, rather than eliminating our symptoms. Of course, the symptoms decrease when we're focused on living, but even if they flare up from time to time it just doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. Keep laughing and doing all the great things you're doing. Keep us posted on how you're doing. We're all here to support one another.

 

Yay! Good for you. I'm so glad you are doing better.