Alan G. People-pleasing isn't really people-pleasing

I understand and agree that people-pleasing is really just anxiety avoidance, but, if as a world class people-pleaser myself, I start saying no to people, won't my anxiety and guilt increase and thereafter my TMS symptoms, since TMS is linked to anxiety and guilt? Won't that affect my internal state?

Thanks

 

Like anything else you have to practice saying "NO"--or "I can't answer that now, I'll get back to you later"--(when I have a chance to come up with a good excuse). As people pleasers TMS'ers probably don't ask others for help much at all so we haven't heard all the excuses people would tell us for NOT helping us. I think saying "no" is that setting boundaries thing. As T personalities become aware of their autonomic g00dist behavior and how it produces their sub-c pain, they can practice taking a breath when someone puts them on the spot and asks for a hand-out or a favor they don't really want to do. Practice saying NO first--you can always change your mind. Is that charitable behavior coming from the heart--or the TMS sub-c that feels put on the spot by social pressure?

 

Good stuff Tom. My problem is my TMS is coupled with social anxiety disorder, if I say no then I automatically think people will hate me. I guess practicing saying no and not avoiding or trying to escape from the the very painful feelings of subsequent guilt and anxiety, is a kind of in vivo desensitization that I am willing to cope with: I would rather feel very uncomfortable after a no response than live indefinitely with physical pain, its a fair trade off. I'm gonna try this!

Chris

 

Start with the small and the manageable and ease gently up the gears. We've all been where you are (admittedly to varying degrees) and we all know the excruciating twist of tension, anxiety and guilt that saying no creates. But it gets easier, I promise you that, and somewhere along the way you realise that you are being authentic and that others realise this too. You become a strong person and that is as rare as never in today's world. Have compassion for your weaknesses and work kindly on them so that they become emotional scar tissue, and as we know, scar tissue is the strongest tissue of all.

Plum x

 

Wow Plum. Another great response. I totally agree with you about seeking authenticity and that it's a rare quality, but when we see it in others, it's such an attractive one.

Chris, I don't know how your family situation was growing up, but given your difficulty saying no (I too have struggled with this, but I am so much better at it now), I wonder if you might want to consider a book that helped me a great deal called If You Had Controlling Parents. Here's the link from Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/If-You-Had-C...r=8-1&keywords=if+you+had+controlling+parents

The therapist I was seeing last year recommended it, and it was extremely helpful for me in identifying the ways in which control played a role in my life growing up, and the type of personality I developed (compliant, perfectionistic, etc) as a result of that control. If my therapist had not suggested it, I never would have gravitated to such a title because ... well, like a good TMSer, I was in denial about my parents' control having been really harmful to me. The book helped me connect with some anger that I didn't even know was there. It was really eye-opening and it empowered me further in committing to saying no to others when I need to say yes to me. I hope it helps you as well.

 

They probably won't hate you, people who want, want, want others to do or give them stuff, will likely not waste any of their valuable energy hating you--they'll just mark you off their list of potential people to con or turn into tools. Or, let them "hate" you and tell 'em to tell all their friends and associates to hate you too--your life will become a lot easier.

 

Thanks Everyone!

Honey Badger: I will definitely look into that book as I need to examine more the relationship I had with my parents as there were some issues. My father had a very bad temper and I'm sure this affected me. My mom while caring, was a very anxious person and I sensed and absorbed her anxiety as a child. I also had an older brother who taunted and bullied me, so I never really felt "safe" growing up, especially since he was 10 years older than me.

 

"So to answer your question, the way to become less of a people-pleaser is to increase your capacity to tolerate conflict or guilt. And how to do that is a post for another time."
Alan, did you address this in another post? If yes, would you mind directing me to where it is on this forum if you get the chance? Thank you!

 

I realise these posts are from 6years ago but thought I would ask a question.What happens when you went to Sunday School ,and taught there,
and were indoctrinated with the word’s ’Jesus first ourselves last and others in between’?If we don’t follow this aren’t we selfish?

 

No, we are not selfish.
You must separate what humans taught you about religion and what you truly believe. Read your Bible and discern for yourself what you think is the word of TRUTH and then search inside yourself for your own truth.
One of the greatest things I learned about religion is that humans love to use for their own personal good, for whatever reason. The person who taught you may have had their own issues and hang-ups with whatever they judged as "Selfish". We are also seeing a broader world view of a variety of religions in today's media and how people with power will use the ideas of religion (whatever they decide that religion is) to justify acts, opinion, decisions etc. with their own judgements.
Look into the fact that the idea of selfishness might simply have been a trigger in you for some sort of emotion: guilt, shame etc.
Then perhaps reflect on how perfectly you were made. When you were a small child did you put others first always, or did you need to see your own needs met? Did you cry when hungry? Attempt to snuggle up to someone or something when in need of comfort? Search for a kindness in someone's eyes? Note that you were so young, so very young and perhaps even an infant when doing these things that you were not able to be selfish-just have your needs met.
This is a huge area of personal safety for people. Children feel safe when they have food, shelter, warmth, love and compassion. It is not selfish, this is how we were created to feel and what we were created to receive.
Personally, I had to shift out of the idea that I was a selfish person for wanting, needing, desiring ANYTHING and begin to take stock of all I have given to others. I took stock of why I gave things - sometimes my giving was absolutely selfish. I wanted love, acceptance, etc. within my giving and so I was not genuine...but that's how I learned what 'giving' was. I look at all the times people have given to me selflessly, and recognize that I didn't appreciate all I was given. Now - I am not harshly judging myself, but learning from these past experiences and noticing when I give selflessly - and accepting myself in all situations. I now realize that God, or the universe or others don't judge me as a selfish person (and if they do, that is only their opinion!) and that I am completely forgiven for all past transgressions because they were never malicious.
It is not wrong to have your needs met. It is not wrong to ask to have your needs met. It's how you ask (not groveling, but also not barking orders at people in anger).
What is a trigger now can absolutely soften and still be something you notice (eg. guilty when you say 'no' and put yourself first) but your mind and your body can learn to manage the sensation of guilt (and any emotion) when you simply allow them to normalize and take away much of the stigma associated with the emotion.
If you believe in Creation, then you will note that not only were we created perfectly in His image, but that you were created with a breadth of emotions which are absolutely OK to feel. You are SUPPOSED to feel them all.
This was a huge area I needed to heal myself. I was coached not just in religion but with a parent who did not want me to feel my own stuff (only her stuff). It took a lot of work, and still is.

 

Thank you Cactusflower.
I was a people-pleaser and have since parted ways with religion because of the hypocrisy particularly with the Pentecostal Movement.I am at a stage now where I cannot physically be a helpmate and I have learnt to live with that.

 

Lojos
You can absolutely be a help mate, and you are!
By being here and asking questions that others will see, by telling your story that others relate to, you are helping. Not people pleasing but helping for no reason but to seek wellness and to be part of a supportive community.
My suggestion is to spend a little time reframing old ideas about yourself that no longer serve you and embrace the true you, not the one created to be presented to the world, but the inner totally unique person you are.
I did this in really fun excercises I used some days instead of journaling.
I thought up a list of interview questions I asked myself and wrote down two columns: the true answers and the old answers I used to think I needed to have.
If I could eat one thing all day from start to bed, what would it be? Brownies! Yum!! In the past I probably would have answered bananas.
This really helped me become much more accepting of who I am and my emotions.
I too experienced the wrath of the Pentecostal church. Although not brought up in it, I was presented with its ideas and values as a teenager and quickly divorced myself from it. Then I moved to the South for 20 years where it seeped into everything.