Day 19 Proud of "could"

Question To Ponder​

Since starting this program have you done anything that makes you proud? Where does this sense of achievement come from?

I guess I am proud that I am curious and open-minded enough to give a chance to a line of thought that is so unconventional, and I'm proud that I've stuck with this program so far. I'm also proud of thinking of (and adhering to) my new idea of saying "could" or "would like to" instead of "should". I think that's a very cool and empowering paradigm shift. Before recently, I said "should" in dozens of sentences throughout the day.

 

Very nice expression of feeling proud!!

And yes, I have stricken SHOULD from my vocabulary; it is a judgment word that can make people feel guilty if they don't do what they just said they should.

I also remember doing an exercise in a group where the person said "I should [ ]. . " and someone then asked "why" and this was repeated until the first person had no answer any longer. We all realized the word SHOULD is futile!

 

sbrodson & Lori: "Should" it seems to me is associated with the superego (internal parent). If you remove it from your vocabulary, you've instantly eliminated one half of the war between your internal parent and internal child that ratchets up the tension that drives TMS symptoms. Pretty useful semantic strategy! It forces you to make positive unqualified assertions about yourself and your world without so much as a hint of guilt.

 

"Should" used to be a staple word in my vocabulary. Between Lori and Byron Katie I realized just how much pain that one single word was giving me. I have come to loathe it. If it even enters my head I rephrase the thought that included it until I can find another one that is actually true. So I "should" get dinner started goes from being a burdensome, energy-sucking chore to "I want to make an enjoyable dinner" or "I don't feel like making dinner". Either way I find it generates much less internal guilt.

Another word I try not to use (unless it's use is accurate) is "Need". Where "should" implies responsibility for me, "need" implies pressure. I try now to only use the word "need" when I am speaking of things that are actual requirements for continued survival, food, water, etc. I find limiting the use of "need" relieves pressure, even when it's in the context of something like paying a bill. When "I need to pay the mortgage" becomes "I want to pay the mortgage because the consequences of not doing so are not something I want to face" some of the stress of the activity dissipates.

 

I took a class in college that really opened my eyes to the power of words. I vote for abandoning "should", and will make a strong effort to do so!