Day 1 Returning to try again

Hello, some years ago I read about TMS and read The Mindbody Prescription and also enjoyed reading the success stories on this forum. I particularly liked the videos posted by Forrest as I could identify with the problems he was facing. I'm a people pleaser, a hard worker and a perfectionist so sounds familiar!

As my symptoms were not too bad back then, and I struggled to accept that I truly had TMS, I let it take a backseat and struggled on. I think it can be a bit disheartening sometimes when you read stories of these incredible turnarounds where it feels like people simply read the first page of John Sarno's book and are cured! For me it was nothing like that, perhaps the rage is far too buried?

My symptoms have moved around, but they are fairly consistent now. I know that people with TMS can often be impressionable and sometimes research into illnesses can result in problems arising as you are almost giving yourself ideas on ways to suffer to distract yourself from your rage. I think I definitely struggle with this problem. There is a lot of self sabotage going on with my situation!

TEETH
This has happened for me from the very beginning. At first I started to notice tiny pains in my teeth because I was worried about not being able to play saxophone which I was doing for a living at the time. So it was an anxiety around not being able to play saxophone if a problem developed which then turned into an actual problem. (Ironically I went to the dentist and the work actually caused an issue with my other front tooth. I then saw another dentist who adjusted my bite which gave me TMJ problems which I'd also read about!)

Treatments: seen about five different dentists, no change

VOICE
When I started having teeth problems I began to sing more to compensate for not being able to play saxophone as much at my gigs as a wedding singer and musician. I remember thinking to myself how it would be okay because I still have my voice to fall back on if I can't play saxophone because of the teeth problems. I then got laryngitis after a particularly bad cold and sang with it over two bookings in one day. My voice has never been the same, and it tires easily. The voice is an emotional area of course and I'm sure that there has never been any permanent damage done by the laryngitis, as I had an ENT doctor check it out. The tension that I still struggle with to this day is a result of TMS, I am sure.

Treatments: six weeks of speech therapy, no change

ABDOMINAL PAIN
Ever since my appendix operation I have had pain after lifting things. The thing is, it didn't happen straight away after lifting something, it only happened sometime after the event when I'd had time to process that I'd lifted something heavy. So clearly something is going on in my mind to tell me that I was in danger and the fight or flight part of my brain decided to kick in and give me abdominal pain to keep me 'safe'. Interestingly, although I don't lift things that are particularly heavy at the moment, I struggle a lot less with this since my RSI has flared up.

RSI
So I scaled back the gigs and thought it's okay because I can fall back on my web design work! Thank goodness, I don't have to worry about my voice or my teeth any more because I can do computer work. Of course, that's when I started to get RSI problems which started in a very small way and gradually as the years went by it increased to the point where now I struggle to work in front of the computer for more than a few minutes at a time without spasming shoulder and a painful arm.

I then started to use my left hand vertical mouse with a standing desk and voice dictation. But even when using the computer with my left hand my right arm and shoulder still hurt when I use the computer! I can see now that this is great evidence for me to use as I accept the diagnosis.

I find now that when I write in handwriting I do get pain in my arm, but again it's delayed by several minutes as my mind processes the danger it perceives and decides to kick in with sending me pain signals to keep me 'safe'!

Treatments: osteopathy, physiotherapy, meditation, no change although meditation does help

TAILBONE PAIN
Later on I began to develop tailbone pain. Sitting at the computer for long periods has also resulted in tailbone pain which affects me going on trains, or going to the cinema or even going out for social occasions. I struggle to sit on the sofa, or sleep on my back.

Treatments: cortisone injection, no change

TMS
The thing that has really brought me back into trying to deal with TMS is the Pain Recovery Program - I'm so impressed by how clearly this explains my particular situation. Whilst I know that repressed emotions are a big part of my problem, I'm struggling to uncover exactly what it is that is my personal rage.

That said, I really think that the first part of the program explains how neural pathways play such a huge role in developing pain and this definitely applies to me.

When I think how small my RSI problem was, and how it gradually increased over the years, I really believe that I was learning how to feel pain when I was doing something that I did not want to do. The idea that I can now relearn that the things I am doing quite safe and secure is very encouraging and the program does a great job explaining that.

My symptoms have not lessened yet, and I struggle with RSI and tailbone pain on a daily basis, plus my voice is still tired a lot of the time. I am now learning with the help of this website to not react with fear towards the pain but instead accept it for what it is and try to encourage new neural pathways by practising these somatic tracking and cognitive soothing exercises.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been reading through each day and it's a fantastic resource, along with this website and its users.

 

When I recently quit my job to go back to school because I was having issues teaching after a concussion I mysteriously developed TERRIBLE mid back pain, that moved into the side of my neck, then to the upper right side and just yesterday the upper left side in addition to terrible anxiety for some reason. It has basically stopped me from my plans of going back to school because of all the pain not only when I would sit or stand to work on my computer but also randomly at night or in the morning resulting in bad sleep. I ended up disenrolling from my classes and I can't seem to get over the mental hurdle of sitting down every day to start my work and other things I need to do on my computer. It was so bad at one point I went to the ER and they said "muscle spasms" and then one ortho doc said "mild scoliosis" and then at my ortho follow up a different doc said "degenerative disc disease due to aging in cervical spine." I find myself pacing around part of the day just looking out the window thinking about what caused my pain, or wait for it, mystery stomach issues (reflux, IBS, cramping, bloating) or what is causing me to not be able to focus. Everything seemed to happen when I quit my job to do the school thing and work from home part time while studying. Ugh.....