Short (well, sort of) story of pain

It didn't seem abrupt at all. Actually, you mentioned a very important issue that might have triggered the TMS for me - aging and mortality. The symptoms actually began at the same time I started stressing out about my moving from "youth stage" to... whatever stage comes next. I was obsessing about it, frankly speaking. There's so many things and experiences I've missed on in my life (due to autism, being raised in dysfunctional family etc.) and now I'm slowly approaching 40? But I feel like 25. How do I make up for the lost time? How do I experience those things I should have done in my twenties when it's clearly too late? Am I really happy with where I am right now? Isn't this the last chance to turn my life around? Will I ever be truly happy?

 

First of all, thank you for your time and attention, JanAtheCPA. I'm very grateful. You've opened some new perspectives and leads for me.

That's my problem too. I still remember the times where life was good, painless and the suffering was at a very bearable level. Now I'm all about trying to get back to that state, which prevents me from accepting my current situation. If it used to be fine, how can I settle for anything less? I'm sure this reasoning is somehow faulty.

The kind of life you chose really appeals to me. Social interactions as something I get to do whenever I feel like it and not on an all-the-time basis. I find it that when I live with someone or simply spend time in their presence, I begin to feel responsible for their mood, feelings etc. Consequently, when someone I care about is suffering, I'm co-suffering and it adds to my own suffering making it very difficult to bear. It's easier when I'm on my own. That's probably one of the reasons I don't have kids - I imagine this would be an emotional overload. This is the weird autistic empathy - people think you don't care because it doesn't show, while actually you care too much and it overwhelms you. Also, I'm naturally drawn to women with similar issues (of course) so my partner is a constant sufferer too. There are days when we just snap at each other arguing about which of us is in more pain and in a more miserable state. On the plus side, we "get" each other. We can relate. But all in all I think we both have an enormous need for someone to take care of us and we both lack strength to take care of each other as we use too much energy focusing on our own pain. It's complicated, I guess.

 

Speaking of profound, JanAtheCPA, I think tonight something important and perhaps even game-changing happenned.

I was getting ready to bed and came across a discussion on the forum where somoeone describes my symptoms. Not just similar ones, it's exactly the same case! At first I was like "wow, I'm not alone in this" but a few seconds later I got to the part where they described being diagnosed by the doctors with something that wasn't even considered in my case (okay, it actually was considered, but dismissed quickly). And then it struck: "What if I actually have this structural problem and the doctors missed it?", "It might not be TMS after all", "I should schedule a visit and have myself tested again", "But what if it's too late after such a long time has passed?", "What if it's all about a missed diagonosis and I've been just distracting myself with the whole TMS theory?" And in that instant I felt the pain increasing. Thirty minutes later it was so unbearable, I knew I won't be able to sleep tonight. In just half an hour it got from 5-6/10 to 9/10. That got me panicking, the whole world started spinning and anxiety hit hard.
As I was calming myself down, the realization emerged:

1. I hadn't had such a strong pain attack for weeks.
2. I hadn't had a sleepless night for weeks.
3. I hadn't had this kind of anxiety attack for weeks.
4. I almost tangibly felt as if those doubting thoughts fed the anxiety. As if it had been looking for some loop in my thought process to kick in and it has just found one.
5. The anxiety is so closely tied to the pain that the anxiety itself almost feels like pain (I don't know if it makes sense). The pain without the anxiety component doesn't seem that scary.
6. You can't really tell how much in pain you are compared to some previous onsets as it seems like the memory doesn't store that very well. What I'm saying is, you may think you're in as much pain as you were before but when the provious pain returns, you realise it was definitely stronger than how you remebered it and it actually went down.

And as I lay there, in bed, with pain and anxiety, I couldn't help but smile because it seemed kinda pathetic - the brain's desperate attempts to build upon my doubt were so obvious. It wasn't even trying to conceal it. And sure enough, it was a rough night but I did get some sleep after all just to wake up with the kind of bellyache that you get when you're just about to perform on stage and you have this anxiety, where your body is telling you "let's get the heck out of here!".

So, for those struggling: after three weeks of delving into TMS, I can say it has an effect one me, no doubt about that. Up until tonight I thought it just helps you deal with the pain at a psychological level so that you could still do and enjoy things even with the pain lingering. Now I see that the work I've done so far actually made it hurt less. Not to some great extent but I would say it went down by about 20, maybe 25%. It's difficult to estimate as it also seems like the pain itself started panicking because it shifts from one place to another almost all the time. It's literally all over the place. Every morning it spins this wheel of misfortune and I never know what the tip will land on this time. One day I can have pain in my left spinal erectors that makes it hard to lean or bend my body. The next day it's gone and my left shoulder takes up the baton. On the third day , I have so much pain in my lower back that it's difficult to sit. Then, there's the all-star rectal pain (the one that started it all) that gets worse after passing stool, only sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes it starts on a defecation free day, just like that.

There's one thing I know for sure as I've proved it to myself empirically: doing things despite the pain makes it hurt less than giving up to pain and avoiding activities. It may not be obvious during the first days of trying this but in time it becomes clearer.

Also, yesterday I ran 7k and my time wasn't the worst so I can see myself slowly returning to the results I had before I gave up running due to doctors' advice.

Also also, I've just realised I started this thread on April 1. There's got be some kind of irony hidden here.

 

Tomorrow I have a scheduled laser warts removal and I'm beginning to stress out. I know I'm very much capable of making an imagined pain real. As soon as I think my condition can generate lasting pain, it does. And now I'm going to worry if this procedure will cause some permanent pain in the area.

As this removal isn't really urgent, I'm wondering if I should do it or just save it for after I regain my psychological balance. Or perhaps giving in to such fears is how I let the TMS win and I shouldn't let the fear discourage me?

 

Thank you for the advice. This makes total sense. I'll let the doctor performing the procedure resolve my doubts.

 

I've been following the TMS lead for a month now. Here's the recap:

- there was some initial success and the pain did seem to subside a little bit but it didn't progress from there and I feel like I'm stuck;
- the TMS approach and all the great advice I've read here helped me cope with the pain: I'm not focusing on it constantly anymore and I'm asking myself a lot of questions about my emotional state instead of my body condition;
- I stopped avoiding doing things and it paid off as I actually feel better getting things done than laying in bed and catastrophizing;
- I'm doing sports again and every training is actually a highlight of my day - those are the moments when the pain seems at it's lowest;
- I've been journalling but, interestingly, it doesn't really evoke any strong emotions even though I'm writing about my traumas and most painful moments I have experienced;
- I'm doing the Educational/Recovery program and I'm reading "Pain Free for Life" at the moment;
- I stopped doing physiotherapy (it wasn't helpful anyway) and everything else that involved visiting doctors etc.

All this said, the pain is still there and it keeps making my life complicated as it hits the most when I'm working. I feel this is lowering my productivity and consequently I'm earning less than I theoretically would without the pain (my job is a piecework so the more I do, the more I earn). Whenever I sit down to do my job, the pain sets in in a matter of minutes. Sometimes I'm working teary-eyed and use all my willpower to push through despite the pain.

I know what you're gonna say: "be patient". The thing is I really feel stuck. I almost physically feel a barrier that prevents me from making progress. Whatever I try, it seems to be working on a psychological level but doesn't translate into pain relief. I'm calmer, more mindful, more active and... still in pain.

So basically the difference is:
- before finding about TMS I was in pain that prevented me from living my life;
- after finding TMS: I'm living my life despite being in pain;
- the outcome I had hoped for: the pain goes away and I'm able to live AND enjoy my life.

 

You are doing so well!
It’s interesting you say that the pain almost feels physical - well of course it does! That is the distraction. You mention you are almost crying. Are you internally pushing, or forcing during that time? Can you say “I accept how hard this is for me mentally, to sit here now” (or some such thing). Even ask your body: why do you hurt now, in an inquisitive way?
Have you journaled about your job? Do you stop for a bit after writing and just sit with what you wrote? You might feel emotion or not. You can also ask “what do I feel in my body? - because emotion is tied to physical sensation. Sometimes we’re not used to letting ourself feel that - and sometimes some people don’t. It’s all ok, as long as you just accept that’s how you are.
Is there a way to make your job more enjoyable - in other words, sometimes a distraction from the pain is necessary. I too struggle to not constantly think physical. I use soft relaxing music in headphones, or free audio books (my library has them but there are also websites with them). I have another friend who listens to the radio and memorizes lyrics as her distraction.

 

I think most of the time I do accept it or rather everytime I feel like I do, the brain finds some way to throw me off-balance. It turns on some new pain (in my right knee lately, after I stretched my leg dynamically) or makes the pain I already know feel a bit different or hit stronger.

This seems like an interesting lead actually. I always thought I loved my work. It took me years to finally get the job I had always dreamed of. And honestly, my pain issues started soon after. It often feels like my brain's doing everything to discourage me from doing my job. Pain is one thing. But I'm also struggling hard with procrastination and distraction. While working, I have to constantly check my mail, social media, this forum, brew some tea, have a coffee, have a snack... Basically, I can't focus on doing what I though I loved for more than 5 minutes at a time! At the same time I have no problem focusing on other activities so it's not some general issue with my attention span.

My first guess would be this is because of my radically perfectionist nature. While working, I'm constantly stressed that I would make a mistake and someone would point it out, which will be embarassing to me. This approach may be sucking all the fun out of what I do. Needless to say, I set myself much higher standards than my co-workers and I would even risk saying, much higher than actually required for my position. My results are often praised and I'm being told I'm a great employee, which probably results in a mindset "They think so highly of me, I can't possibly let them down now!". I remember years ago, in another job, someone pointed a simple and pretty irrelevant mistake that I did - I immediatelly got paralyzed and couldn't utter a word out of embarassment. I guess I learned to manage this but then I got my dream work and perhaps the pressurre to excel was just to big. That's the only factor in my life I can pinpoint when thinking about the onset of my ailments. Another one was a high-stakes competition I participated in. The pain and anxiousness suddenly hit me out of nowhere when I was in the middle of a tournament game. The pain was so strong and sudden that it got me into some kind of shock. Of course, I've lost almost every single game and consequently dropped that hobby because of the traumatic nature of the whole experience.

 

To conclude, I believe my self-esteem is subconsciously directly related to my results in whatever I'm doing. In my mind my worth is defined by how useful and capable I am. That doesn't sound very healthy.

I never just do things. I need to do them the best way possible. I can't just go for a run, I need to give it my all to get the best time. I can't play a game for fun - I need to do everything possible to win, even when I'm playing against eight-year-olds. Talk about pressure, eh?

And now the best part: I took a break from working to write these two replies and the pain momentarily went down. I also didn't need any kind of distraction while writing these posts. Ha.

 

“My first guess would be this is because of my radically perfectionist nature. While working, I'm constantly stressed that I would make a mistake and someone would point it out, which will be embarassing to me. This approach may be sucking all the fun out of what I do. “
Excellent! Go down that path! Can you look back and see when this began to develop and why? Have you read up a bit on perfectionism? Today Dani Fagan a tms yoga coach posted that perfectionism is a protective mechanism that keeps us from feeling shame. When I’m your life might have shame (it could be other things) have had to be hidden and not felt? It may have 0 to do with your job but for some reason that same stress/feeling is evoked.
Yesterday I had a new knee pain. I had been standing with locked knees for an hour.. a friend continued to discuss what is for me, triggering stuff even after I asked him to stop.. as soon as I got that pain “Tms” - it does not matter why it hurts, this is just tms and my thoughts about why or when ended. It’s harder with some other of my sharp, fast pain but it’s worth it to keep working on the psychological re-framing.
“I believe my self-esteem is subconsciously directly related to my results in whatever I'm doing. In my mind my worth is defined by how useful and capable I am. ”
Awesome!
Can you find ways to “begin making mistakes” not in work but other areas of life and practice letting it go? Eg my phone autocorrects. I used to go back and edit these posts. I fear “looking stupid” - I stopped editing them out. My job requires editing, I used to make things sound perfect. Now I allow mistakes because I realized that sounds more real, more relateable, more endearing and more human.

 

I think I do feel shame. And I think I know where that comes from. I'd say this is connected to me being ACA and mo coping mechanism from childhood (in short: I was pretending everything was fine when it wasn't).

This sounds weirdly exciting. Like doing something taboo. I'd like to try that and see how it feels.

 

And I refuse to correct that typo I now see in my previous entry.

 

Awesome! Insite! Who were you trying to please? When do these feelings come up again in your life now?

excellent!

If you are on fb I suggest “liking” my tms journey or Dani Fagan and Phil de la Hay and/ or the SiRPA page - don’t join the groups ( it’s not needed, you already found your group!) but watch their daily insights. They post amazingly reflective things that are so helpful.