suicidal thoughts

To Sarah Jacoba: I have noticed that at times in my life that were very intolerable to me, I experienced extreme problems with bladder urgency. I think, subconsciously, it was a welcome distraction. I don't know where you are located but you may benefit greatly from a visit to a therapist in Northern NJ where Dr Sarno's people are located. The first visit is expensive but you have unlimited visits. I know quite a few people who want to make the trip but none of us has yet. I hear there are others in other states. This website has resources too. Some therapists claim to be knowledgeable about TMS but they don't address it in therapy. That's why I think using one of Sarno's protégés would be great. You're worth it!

 

thanks for all the compassion, and the replies.

Where I'm coming from is a sense of futility. I've read books, done my "homework". I haven't been idle this past year, but when I see myself coming up on a big annual concert in my musical life, during which UU made me struggle last year, and I've done all these things over the year, and I'm feeling the same way coming up on that concert again, I feel like there's no point in believing that certain strategies are going to work. I first experienced UU around 1997. It has been pretty intermittent but the last couple years, despite all I know about TMS, it's becoming more and more constant. It's pretty logical to say that if I could have figured out how to deal with it by now, I would have. because I've tried ALOT of things, at length. So that's why I get to thinking, very practically: my life as it is now is what I can logically expect it to be, into the future. if I am totally unhappy with how I feel, then a logical conclusion is: dont keep living. It's not horribly emotional judgment, it's practical.

with how stubborn this symptom is, it would be easy to conclude it's not TMS. but I've done all the doctor checks. And I had equally crippling TMJ, for ex., in the 90s. so Ockham's Razor suggests it IS TMS.

It's logical to conclude that nothing I've tried over the past 10 years is going to work, because it would have by now.

I DO know that I beat jaw pain by a) approaching it as TMS and b) chewing gum. without b) I dont think I would have beat it. I also used squares of gaffer tape to interrupt my symptoms of upper body soreness. My brain is wired that I just cant ignore these symptoms. I work myself into a feedback loop tizzy. I needed something that would drive that wedge between my symptoms and my mental reaction to my symptoms. without these physical interruptors I think I would be at the same point of suicidal thinking with those symptoms. but instead when they recur, I have an ace in the hole I can trust and rest on.

so that's why I keep coming back to the "physical interruptor" approach. it's something I havent tried for UU yet, because I havent found an interruptor that really works.

I really need help brainstorming what it might be. It may literally save my life.

I think the symptom of UU is especially hard to deal with because I HAVE to make a choice to react to it constantly, which is WHEN to go to the bathroom. Some days I just give myself all the pseudo relief I want...which is to go like every 30 minutes. some days I'm up for a fight and I do the ignore it for 90 minute intervals thing. other days I'm just not up for that mentally. but having to pick between these approaches forces me to stay engaged with the UU pain in a way that other symptoms cant force me to be engaged. I think that's why UU is the last refuge of my stubborn TMS. I cant disengage from it. because you gotta go to the bathroom. it's a real physiological need. all the other TMS symptoms are physiologically independent, like physiological fictions. This one piggybacked on my kidney stones for a long time, until my doctor disproved that with multiple scans and such. but now it's just piggybacked on the actual urine cycle of my body.

 

Doctor Sarno said that is impediment to "cure".

You know it is TMS, and trust the clinical success rate, plus the volume of success stories right here in this forum, then the fight goes on for however long it takes. Your whole life TMS tries to return in one form or another.

Drop the notion of a physical interruptor and focus on the wonderful, wonderful in your life. Maybe add another wonderful to believe in.

Good luck Sarah.

 

Chewing gum helped your jaw pain because you were showing your mind that you could use your jaw normally as much as you liked and the pain went away. If there had been a physical problem with your jaw, wouldn't all that chewing have made it sore? Is this a physical interrupter or actually a psychological effect? Maybe both?

Ultimately its ok to have the physical interruptors as long as you see the true cause as psychological. Try not to place all the emphasis on the physical interruptors so that you don't make that the one criteria for healing. Once you can bring in more of the psychological therapy you can make headway on this.

The first step would be on working on your emotional reactions to the UU. Practising indifference when it happens, which will seem impossible at first but is absolutely achievable. This will break its hold on you.

It is the emotion about the symptom that is the distraction not the symptom itself.

 

Suicide is selfish. The thought of suicide is selfish. TMS is selfishness of the unconscious mind. What a selfish prick the unconscious mind is to flail so gratuitously that our higher conscious mind must unconsciously, automatically assign pain to squelch acknowledgement of the base squalor simmering below.

Evolution, can the how be a chosen field? To focus by choice the attention on a chosen direction of becoming which then causes physical changes in the mind, new neural pathways? The military trains elite fighters to react against their automatic survival instincts so they will act according to chosen mission. If they can do it with their lives on the line, we must be willing to retrain our automatic unconscious emotions by sending firm instructions to the unconscious that I am choosing to be happy, and you (the unconscious mind) are going to help and serve, and be happy too.

Years ago, a person jumped to their death not far from where I was standing with friends. Others at the location where he died were almost hit by his fall. I was angry he put others at risk, then I felt sorry for his family who would find out what happened. And last I wondered why he jumped. He must have been miserable. Very sad.

Point is, this TMS is miserable, it's annoying as heck at times. But it can be overcome with a mental process. Keep innovating your mental process with keen observation of your mind and be kind to yourself psychologically, emotionally. Empathy starts at home.

 

Your post is laid out very logically, the problem is the sub-c is not logical. You need to concede that there are things that your logical conscious mind has no control over, like TMS, before you can control them--it's a conundrum. When you can laugh at it, it will fade. I had uu as a symptom and it faded after a few years when I recognized it for what it was. I get an occasional bout but recognize it for what it is, and at the worst look for a tree along the highway. I just finished a 1,000 mile road trip and only had to water one tree in the wilderness, it was like communing with nature.

 

well, hey I'm still here, 2 months later. that's something

 

[Deleted at BeWell's request]

 

With regards to chewing gum: I used to have really bad jaw pain and pain in my facial muscles. I partially attributed it to chewing gum and avoided chewing gum because it seemed to induce pain. Now that I understand the TMS diagnosis, I very rarely get pain in my facial muscles.

When I was 16 I had very serious problems with urinary frequency. I would sometimes pee 5-6 times an hour. It was so bad that I had an exploratory surgery. Urinary frequency was a serious issue in my life until a doctor attributed it to a psychological factor. After hearing his diagnosis, the urinary frequency went away. There was some pain that remained. I would feel a burning sensation in my urethra which, until May, 2016, I attributed to the exploratory surgery. After understanding the TMS diagnosis, I have come to realize that the burning sensation persisted because I was thinking about it as a structural problem. It has not been a problem for many months.

What amazes me about reading this forum is that so many of us seem to be going through the same symptoms. Every time I check this forum I see people with complaints not only about their backs but also about TMJ pain and urinary frequency. It is no wonder then that Sarno was able to figure out what is going on.

 

Have you gone through any type of psychotherapy, like with the TMS practitioners on this site? They can help uncover some of the stuff you might not know about. Sarno recommended psychotherapy in stubborn cases.

 

Dear Sarah

I do not have the same symptoms as you , but i do and always have been desperate to urinate when I'm nerves and in a situation where i can not leave .
In the theatre , on a buss , sat in others cars so i totally can see how tms could play out in the bladder .

As for the subject of suicide .
Ive been there often .
I have scars on my wrists that will never let me forget that .
I attempted to take my life twice due to being stuck in unbearable situation physically and mentally .
After those serious but failed attempts i did eventually find away forward .
I went on to have seven of the best years of my life and i was happy .
In the last three years again i have had some extreme tms issues terrible pain in my coxics that i didn't even sit down in half a year !!!!!!.
It was chronic and all the time , day and night for 2 and a half years , nothing helped .
As well as other tms problems i got deeply depressed and again extremely suicidal .
I use to walk around with a knife in my pocket so that i knew that i could give up at any point , or go and stand on big bridges to calm the feeling of being trapped in pain .
When i felt i could no longer be trusted i would hand myself over to the mental health hospital and be locked in .
The hospital in london where i live is hellish , but i did that because i knew that at some point in my life i would get to a place where id look back again and be glad i got through it .
Im only telling you this Sarah because i know how bad you have to feel to be suicidal and what its like to manage that .
Your not alone Sarah and there is always hope even if you can not feel it any where in you .

 

Hi Nelle,

That's a very compelling story, you've beaten TMS /depression before and you're doing it again. Have you looked at the list of TMS practitioners in the UK and Georgie Oldfield in London? There used to be a TMS meet-up group in London for support.

Best Wishes,
tt

 

I didnt know that , maybe i should look in to it .

 

Here's a list of TMS resources in the UK, some of the info is listed as "outdated" but others are still around. I haven't seen anything recently about the TMS meet-up groups in London--maybe they met-up and got cured , no longer needing to meet-up anymore:

http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/TMS_in_the_UK#UK_Events (TMS in the UK)

http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/TMS_in_the_UK (TMS in the UK)​